For one thing it is not common at all. I can not think of any friend or relative of mine, who is my age or younger, who married that way. I am 48 years old and only know big city life. (Istanbul and Ankara) But in my parents’ generation, and in towns, villages and smaller cities, it was more common. I am sure it still exists, but I think less than 20% of newlyweds meet through their parents. (Just my guess, I didn’t check statistics)

Even in cases where it is called “arranged” (in Turkish, “Görücü Usulü”) it is not the parents making all the decisions. Parents usually just introduce the youngsters to each other but if they (I mean one of them) does not have feelings for the other, they do not press. There are always other candidates.

In other words, like most things in life, arranged marriages also have gradations. Sometimes it is just an introduction, as if a common friend’s role is replaced by the parents. Sometimes, it is introduction plus some insistence, as it is a “good” family they are facing.

Nor is this meaningless. Considering most divorces in Turkey have origins in the quarrels between the two extended families rather than the husband and wife, it is a good idea to start from an advantageous position and make sure the two mother-in-laws like each other from the beginning. (They are the leading actors in the movie, in addition to being producer, director and screenwriter :)

But what about the cases where parents put terrible pressure on their daughters and almost physically push her into a marriage where she hates the groom-to-be?

Well, this is a nice starting point for a tragic movie that will almost certainly make you cry. (And also thank God you were not born in Turkey) This doesn’t make it a common occurrence. As in most other places, no, probably more than most other places, parents care about their children’s happiness in Turkey.

What is infinitely more common is the exact opposite situation, where the boy or girl desires very intensely to marry someone he/she is in love with, but his/her parents, almost always the mother, vetoes this decision. (Yes, it happens.)

OK, if you have been born and raised in a Western country, it probably still seems very “strange” to arrange marriages, to say the least. Let me give more details about the context.

To understand how it works, just try to imagine a system where dating is forbidden. Actually, above a certain age (15?) talking to anyone of the opposite sex is forbidden.

You may think “Well, this is patriarchy oppressing girls”. But believe me, to young men it seems like matriarchy oppressing boys. Because, while it is correct that a girl who disrespected boundaries would get a beating from her father and brothers in this system, a boy would get a much worse beating from his father, brothers and also the girl’s father and brothers. It is no joke, many a young men were actually killed in this way.

A consequence of this system is that, many people marry their cousins or their very close friends’ sisters or brothers. Because these are the houses they can visit and these are the people of opposite sex they can interact with, in a socially accepted way.

Now consider a girl who does not work and does not attend University. So she is literally staying home after she graduates High School. The boy, on the other hand, is working and maybe earning very good money. But he is staying with his parents, who decide everything about his life, including what percentage of his salary he should save for a future marriage. (Rent a separate place? Mothers’ veto!)

Let me repeat, they are not allowed to meet at all. There are no bars or cafes. (Meet in the street of a small town? Please read the part about fathers and brothers above)

Well now, what do you expect? There is no tinder but there is something much more effective. You guessed it: Mothers!

They are extremely social and know everything about everyone’s sons/daughters. (Which school? What job? Exactly what present and possible future positions in this job? How much money? Can they buy a house? Is there a drinking/gambling problem in anyone in the family tree? Do they respect their elders? Any hereditary diseases? Hey, come to think about it, we Turks invented eugenics!)

So they also know who and who will be a suitable match. Once the mothers sort of agree on the deal, they let the youngsters see each other. (Fathers are always the very last person in the house, no, the whole neighborhood, to learn about the deal.)

Well, while this system is not to my liking, I have to note one great advantage: With their wife/husband being the very first person of the opposite sex they meet and hold hands, these youngsters really love each other and bond intensely in many cases. Of course there are people who regret later and say “If only I had met other girls/boys.” But still, the rate of marital satisfaction is surprisingly high.

Note that, even after that stage, the deal may derail.

It is not easy to marry anywhere. But it is especially difficult in a traditional society where the girl’s mother have extensive, extraordinary and almost always material demands. Like house, car, clothes for everyone, a dream wedding, several kilograms of gold, etc. (Note that these are for newlyweds, not for the parents)

All the while, the boy’s mother is suffering all kinds of indignities in silence and biding her time. Because she knows that after the wedding, the roles will be reversed and she will have unlimited time for sweet revenge on the girl who will likely stay in the same house with her.

If this is not matriarchy, I don’t know what is :)

(Let me repeat that this way of marriage was common 1 or 2 generations ago, and today only found in close-knit rural communities in Turkey)