Imagine for a moment that I am needy. I need company. I need frequent reassurance. I want texts to be responded to at a certain cadence. I want to hear you say “I love you”.

I end up in a relationship with someone emotionally distant. He does not need to see me every day, is not in the habit of looking at his phone, and he already told me he loves me and thinks it’s smarmy to say it all the time.

I can focus on him. I can talk to him, tell him I need his attention, explain how what he is failing to do makes me feel.

Or I can focus on me. I can ask myself how this neediness is making me feel, so desperate and grasping. I can ask myself how it’s served me in the past. I can ask myself if this is the person I want to be. I can learn how to evolve out of needing, not for him, but for me.

In my personal experience, focusing on myself is the only thing that has ever improved my relationships.

Yes. It was exhausting and stressful. Was my ex…I had no knowledge of all the issues he had going on. His family never told me.

We dated for almost a year….didn't notice anything off kilter. Until we got married for a while….and I was pregnant with my second child.

The strange behavior, the drinking, the drugs …. Just popped up one day. Really. Schizophrenic. Something set him off. He wouldn't take his meds I tried. Went to 5 drs with him. He chose a different lifestyle.

I raised my girls alone from the time they were 5 and 2 yrs old. I gave up on ex. My girls needed a stability and love….not craziness.

Never remarrird….dated…too much drama. I was busy working, raising my girls and fostering and adopting shelter dogs.

Only child ….so i was used to needing my space.

Unfortunately, my ex missed out on so much of his girls lives…and same with our 5 grandkids.

He never worked….after the psychotic episodes and so I got not one cent of child support.

Yes…..I nearly lost myself….but I found my way back to me….and to my family.

To improve any relationship, you need to start working on the most important thing: the relationship with yourself. I learned this the hard way.

If you don’t know where you are with yourself, you’ll always be suspicious about others and you won’t even know it’s because you have something unsaid in your heart to yourself. You won’t know you’re lost. You’ll think it’s others’ fault that you don’t trust anybody.

You will lose the sight of the problems you have. You’ll always blame others for your failures and disappointments, because you won’t see there’s actually some unresolved problems you have with yourself which will lead you to find faults in others rather than in yourself.

So, especially when I’m displeased with someone, I turn to myself and ask: is it me I am angry at or the person? Then, I usually ask myself why I feel angry. For example, I reached out for help and my friend said that she couldn’t help me. I ask: am I angry because she couldn’t help me or because I couldn’t help myself? If it’s my friend, why? If it is myself, why? But always start with YOU.

- Abuse: Abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal or sexual. It is never okay for someone to hurt you, humiliate you, control you or force you to do something you don't want to do. Abuse is a sign of disrespect, insecurity and power imbalance. It can cause you to feel afraid, ashamed and isolated. You deserve to be treated with kindness, dignity and respect. If you are in an abusive relationship, please seek help from a trusted person or a professional.

- Cheating: Cheating is when someone breaks the trust and loyalty that you have agreed to in your relationship. It can be having an affair, flirting with someone else, hiding things from you or lying to you. Cheating can make you feel betrayed, angry and insecure. It can also damage your self-confidence and your ability to trust others. You deserve to be with someone who is honest, faithful and committed to you. If you are in a relationship where cheating has occurred, you need to decide if you want to stay or leave, and if you want to work on rebuilding the trust or not.

- Neglect: Neglect is when someone ignores your needs, feelings and opinions. It can be not spending time with you, not listening to you, not supporting you or not showing affection. Neglect can make you feel lonely, unimportant and unloved. It can also affect your mental health and your sense of self-worth. You deserve to be with someone who cares about you, pays attention to you, values you and shows interest in your life. If you are in a relationship where neglect is happening, you need to communicate your needs and expectations clearly, and see if the other person is willing to change or not.

The best way to avoid these things is to have healthy boundaries, communication and respect in your relationships.

The question should be, “How do I lose my identity in a relationship?” No one should ever lose their identity in a relationship. You should always be able to be yourself. You should never give up your friends or hobbies. Now the quickest way to lose your identity is when you allow your partner to dictate to you what you can and cannot do. When I met my husband I let him know in no uncertain terms that he will never tell me what I can or cannot do. I do not want any man up my ass 24/7. If he wants to do something with his friends, then go do it. He doesn’t need my permission. He’s an adult and I am not his mother. Just because I was his girlfriend that didn’t give me the right to rule him. The only rules I go by is 1.) treat me with dignity and respect 2.) don’t ever raise your hand to me. I will never accept abuse. 3.) don’t ever call me a derogatory name that you wouldn’t want to be called. 4.) don’t cheat on me 5.) don’t ever yell at me. We are adults, adults talk thing out, because when two people are yelling at each other that means no one is listening. 6.) don’t ever lie to me. I hate liars. I don’t mean the kind of lie that is trivial. 7.) don’t ever throw or break things because your angry. It took me to long to get the things I do have. Your not a child. So that pretty much sums it up. Oh, and if you are a female, never and I mean never give up a job for a man!

It's important for you to know who you are before you enter into a relationship. You must be able to stand alone. You must be able to recognize when you need self-comfort. Everyday you must assess where you feel a need that only you can fulfill. Go for a walk. Read a book. Get a massage. This self care should be a part of your life with or without a relationship. If you are running on all jets you will be better for your love.

That being said…if you are honestly in love you will naturally want to hold your partner up. His needs, should they ever come to this, will be more important than your own. And the exact same things should be expected by you. He should take care of himself. And he should care more about what's best for you than what he wants. Love is not given freely. Do not act like it can be pulled forward like a rabbit from a hat in a cheap magic act. No slight of hand here. Honesty, respect, trust and devotion are whats needed from both parties.

I’ve been asking myself this exact question lately.

I’m in the early stages of a new relationship, you see. The head spinning, all consuming, giddy yet terrified days of infatuation. I had forgotten how intense things can feel.

Chances of this one lasting? Statistically the chances of any relationship lasting forever, or even long term, are very low, and this one has mitigating factors that take it significantly below the average.

So eventually there will be a break up, and that’s going to suck pretty hard in some way, even if I don’t know what that will look like right now.

And given that I’m pretty obviously the more invested person in this particular pairing, chances are excellent that my heart is going to get smashed into a million tiny, iridescent pieces to be scattered in the wind.

I’m choosing to dive in headfirst anyway. It’s reckless and irresponsible and I’m almost positive the day will come when I curse myself for it.

But this is living.

I won’t make choices based on fear. I want to embrace the intensity and see where it takes me.

Bottom line? The little thrill I get every time I hear his text notification is worth it.

Good Question.

People often confuse between need or want when it comes to a relationship (Romantic Relationships). Most of the people think that they “need” someone in their life.

To “need” someone implies dependency. For example: he needs her because she take care of him, he needs her because she makes delicious food.

Similarly, she needs him because he is settled and earning good, she needs him because he is tall and fit and can protect her.

See, it's dependency. They are dependent on them. It may sound like love but I am sorry, it's not.

Now come to “want” someone. Have you ever asked to your partner why do you love me? Or why do you want to be with me? Of course you ask. And what you get in reply? I want to live with you because you make me smile, you make me happy, life is more fun and beautiful when I am with you.

For example: There is a girl who is the daughter of a millionaire. She has everything, she doesn't need anything, she can buy anything, anytime. But she is desparate for love, her parents don't have time for her. She wants someone now in her life, she wants someone who pamper her, she wants love.

So it should be a want.

Thanks.

Thanks for the a2a.

They future fake your life. You are ALL IN. You are making plans and building a future built around phony promises. You are saving money for the dream house you will have together, you are taking a job closer to where you will live in the —future. Everything you do is goal-oriented to your beautiful future with your soulmate.

They are pathological liars.

Suddenly, they are spending money left and right. They are rubbing your nose in the reality that they just bought themselves a luxury sports car with money that was supposed to be applied to your dream house.

You don’t know what to say or do. Finally you are so upset and incredulous that you ask them - what are they doing? They just smirk at you. They don’t answer you. They leave you hanging and if you are brave enough to “push it” you will get raged at. Your rational brain is fighting this. You cannot believe that your soulmate has pulled the floor out from under you. This is disrespect. This is outrageous. This means all your plans meant nothing to them.

You are having cognitive dissonance. Your mind cannot reconcile these two opposite plans. If you recognize what they have done and acknowledge it out loud; you have to accept that you no longer have a future with them. You are fighting this, but to acknowledge it is so painful - you are searching for rationalizations for what has happened. THIS IS A BIG MISTAKE.

If anyone fakes a future with you, you need to acknowledge it and dump them.

This is why you go NO CONTACT and get away from this disordered person. They love to wreck your plans and destroy your hopes and dreams.

You will find yourself buying a new swimsuit for a vacation … and suddenly they will say that you cannot go …. you have done something bad … and they cannot take you with them. They LOVE doing this. You can be packed to leave, you can have other people joining you - and they will embarrass you and not let you go at the last minute. They can fuck off - they are a bunch of fucking weirdos.

On the vacations you do go on, they will try to damage your clothing and anything they can get their hands on. Mine decided they would obliterate a $600 hanging luggage bag — they start throwing things around and they completely destroyed the support binding. When it was time to leave, there were tons of plastic shards that were the remnants of the support binding. It had to be geri-rigged to get home and then it was thrown in the trash. Completely destroyed.

Another suitcase of mine was strategically put close to the back of the SUV … and unfortunately, they forgot to completely close the back of the SUV. Driving down the expressway, you see your luggage that has flown out the back of the vehicle… and the psychopath is laughing their ass off.

Yes and no. I don’t personally know of any long-lasting close, personal relationship that hasn’t required some work. But some relationships need more work than others.

For some reason, we humans tend to be attracted to individuals who trigger, or in some way reflect or represent our personal psychological issues. It’s almost as if couples come together for some kind of karmic purpose to work out their unresolved shit.

Successful couples find a way to work through their shit together. They help each other break old patterns, resolve old traumas and fulfill or remediate old emotional deficits that are left over from their childhoods—or maybe even from some past lives, for all I know.

Anyway, dealing with all that psychological baggage seems to be the business of most close relationships. Romantic relationships are the closest and most intense in this way. Depending on how much baggage is brought to the table by both partners, a romantic relationship can involve a helluva lot of deep, often difficult work.

On the other hand, if two people are more or less happy, emotionally and psychologically healthy people who have mostly worked out their karmic baggage—their romantic relationship can be comparatively pretty easy and stress-free.

Likewise, if both partners are stable enough and wise enough, and have the interpersonal skills to deal with their problems in a healthy way—even heavy duty problems and baggage can be resolved happily and with a minimum of stress and trauma.

But, even the happiest, healthiest couples I know have had to do some work. It’s as if that is why we are drawn to the people we couple up with!

I know some happy marriages that ended amicably, just because both partners seemed to complete their karmic business together. They just seemed to finish what they came together to accomplish and were ready to move on.

On the other hand, I also know people who have had relationship after relationship with the same type of person. They seem to repeat the same painful pattern over and over again, without ever learning or resolving anything.

My wife and I are lucky. We both brought plenty of old, heavy baggage on our journey together—but for some reason, I was happy to carry hers and she was happy to carry mine.

Over time, we figured out how to help each other unpack all that baggage together. The journey has been lighter, easier and more fun ever since—but even at its worst (which was never that bad) we always enjoyed the trip and knew we were traveling with the right person.

So, I would say that your boyfriend is not totally wrong. No good relationship comes with zero effort—but it doesn’t have to be so much misery, strife, anger and effort, either. On some level, even amidst your toughest challenges should feel like you are helping each other along the right path together and traveling with the best person for you. Your bond should feel easy and right, deep down, even when you are both seriously upset.

Please understand that I am just a comic book artist and NOT a qualified relationship counselor—but here’s my advice:

1.) Ask you bf to read this whole Quora answer I’m writing here. Ask him what he thinks about it. If he won’t even bother to do that, he’s probably right. You aren’t meant to be together. Get yourself free.

On the other hand, if he agrees with me that anything good is worth working for, you’re in business. Next, you both need to—

2.) Learn how to fight fair, so that every issue is not a crisis of bad feelings!

If you want to be in this relationship for the long haul, and you want the happiest, most successful relationship you can possibly have—you need to learn ways to make the karmic work of your relationships easier and less stressful. Recognize it could take years to unpack all that psychological and emotional baggage. Do you really want it to be hard and miserable all the time?

There are real skills you can learn and tools you can use to make this karmic work more productive, with fewer unhealthy pattern repetitions. Take your responsibility seriously and do your due diligence as a couple. Talk to someone more qualified than me!

Pro tip for fighting fair:

Both of you should ALWAYS BE SKEPTICAL OF YOUR OWN PERCEPTIONS—especially when you are angry, upset or emotionally off-balance in any way!

Human brains have a strong tendency toward confirmation bias. That means that your brain will LIE TO YOU when you are angry! It will always alter your perception of reality to fit or justify your mood.

Things are rarely as they seem when you are angry or upset. Always give yourself a time-out to calm down, then re-examine your experience as rationally as you can.

Try to see things from the other person’s point of view as skeptically and scientifically as you examine your own perceptions. Beware of confirmation bias. Master critical thinking.

Good luck, you guys.

In my experiences, these things are toxic to a relationship, and will undermine and corrode any healthy relationship:

• Controlling your partner, especially when you're controlling them to deal with your own insecurities or jealousies (for instance, forbidding your girlfriend to have male friends because it makes you jealous). Relationship therapists and domestic abuse counsellors will tell you that feeling entitled to control your partner's behavior is the #1 sign of an abuser. Controlling relationships are unhealthy relationships.
• Lying to your partner. A lot of people say you should lie in order to avoid conflict or to reassure your partner. But think about what that does. You know how good things your partner says tend to bounce off, but bad things stick? Like if your partner says "you are beautiful," it's easy to dismiss and tell yourself they don't really mean it, but if your partner says you aren't beautiful, it sticks and you believe it? You know why good stuff doesn't stick? Because we expect "little white lies." We think it's normal for good things our partner says to be lies. Accepting that little lies are okay means we create a pattern where we do not believe good things out partner tells us because we expect them to be lies. That's messed up. Don't do it.
• Being conflict avoidant. It is normal for people to not like any conflict and to try to avoid it. But when you're with someone for a long time, conflicts will happen. If you just swallow them, they simmer and fester until they become resentments, and resentment is poisonous to a relationship. If you want a healthy, long-lasting relationship, invest in the tools to bring up things that bother you in a respectful, compassionate way, instead of just swallowing them. Yes, it's uncomfortable. Yes, it's hard to be kind and compassionate when you're talking about things that bother you. Consider it an investment in your long term happiness.
• That said, you don't have to get your way all the time. Don't be inflexible. Inflexibility makes relationships brittle and easy to break. Things change. Your partner will change. You will change. Things won't always shake out as you want them to. Be flexible enough to adapt to that.
• Never make assumptions, especially about your partner's motives, needs, desires, or objectives. Your partner is a person, just as complex as you are, not a need fulfillment machine or a supporting character. That's a surprisingly hard thing to learn. Speaking of assumptions,
• Never assume you are entitled to your partner's intimacy, time, affection, or body. All healthy relationships are voluntary. Even if you are married, your partner's intimacy, time, affection, and body are gifts they share, not property that belongs to you. Treat them as such.
• Do not judge. Make a safe space for your partner to be open with you about everything, even things that make you uncomfortable or that you don't want to hear. When you judge your partner, especially for their past or for things like sexual fantasies, you show them it's not safe to be honest with you. That undermines intimacy, destroys trust, and discourages honesty.

You can have the same interests and not do them together. I had a partner who was into diy projects like me but he was more into the mechanical side and I was into the more artsy crafts side, he’d start something and I’d work on it in my own time and space-for example. I too prefer to be all up in a partners business because I’d love them so much I’d want to be near them. It was draining and a little dysfunctional though. You need solitude and space and your own separate life to be healthy enough to make things work. Exercise alone, classes, walking running, etc. Shop alone. Go do things with friends. Take a class like art or something you like. You’ll have to force yourself, almost schedule alone time, before it becomes natural. We have to enjoy our solitude, freedom, space to quiet our minds, to recharge, to have independence without the one we love. Save money just for you, worry about you as a person individually. I was married for 27 years and though we had lots in common had our own lives. My next relationship was very clingy and controlling and he was a narcissist who didn’t let me lead my own life, and it fell apart, I trusted him too much and my life was ruined when we split, I was broke and destroyed because he was everything to me. You never know what will happen, you’ll say-not him! But shit happens to relationships all the time. Be you without him, it’s the healthiest way to have a relationship work!

Well, I think it’s important to work on yourself before jumping into a new relationship. I used to spend so much time going from long-term relationship to long-term relationship, without giving myself any chance to breathe in between, and I was scared of dealing with my issues on my own.

When I finally took some time to be single and work on myself, I became a drastically happier person. It also meant that I was ready for ‘the right one’ to come along, and I was able to build a healthy and lasting relationship.

It can be helpful to set yourself a time frame to be by yourself, but you also need to get socialize, meet people on XFUN, and don’t reject love, if it comes💕💕💕

As you age life gets busier! And though a person may want to blame everything on codependency sometimes it’s just growth. As you age your responsibilities increase and the time you have becomes limited. You have to pick and choose what you want to do with your time. You can be single and still find you have limited time to see other people, or watch a show, etc.

As for co-dependency, it comes from love tht we have for someone where we want to share all aspects of our life with them.

Unfortunately codependency also comes with undervaluing the ones we love the most. We often invest in friends and strangers putting our best while we treat our families the worst. We may spend all day with our families but when we see others we look the best, speak the kindest, forgive the most.

Sometimes we don’t understand when we are spending so much time with someone why isn’t everything smooth sailing? This is the reason why. We forget that they won’t be with us forever, we get so used to all they do that we stop appreciating and start expecting.

This is why some independence is important and healthy. You need to see friends on your own sometimes. You need to spend time alone at times so you can appreciate your family.

When you have nothing you appreciate small things in life. When you have everything you are never happy because you become blind.

By loving yourself and maintaining boundaries that no one ( and I mean NO ONE, including family ) is allowed to overstep.

Most of us know our weakness and the things we don’t like about ourselves. We fear that these will be deal breakers, especially if they have caused love to end in the past.

When we fall in love, we tend to ignore and sometimes consciously hide those and hope they just never come out.

Unless you have learned from past failures, and consciously changed things about yourself, these flaws will eventually become evident and it will seem like you were lying. If you have learned and won’t repeat the problem, there is no need to to discuss it.

On the other hand, we won’t find love if our first conversations are about our weaknesses and failure.

Early love is not love at all but lust, it’s all about advertising, marketing and sales. We are all used car salespeople when we are dating.

Open honesty and communication are required for love to develop and sustain itself.

We don’t become better when we first love, we just dress ourselves up and present a better image.

Love gives us the incentive to actually make ourselves better, so when love lasts we get a little better every day that we choose to love another soul that chooses to love our soul.

Now theres an excellent question, thanks for taking the time to air it here Sarah.

Relationships flourish around partnership which infers give and take as well as negotiation when a conflict of interests arise.

Negotiation is not based around one party getting what they want at the expense of the other. The truth is you both should bring out the best in each other.

Expectations that suggest you should change at the expense of your self identity or core amount to false/unrealistic expectations that in the end inevitably lead to both tension, conflict, isolation, resentment and breakdown.

Suppressing who we are in order to please others seldom results in anything worthwhile either for the circle attempting to transform itself into a square or the one suggesting or demanding that such a metamorphosis take place.

Be yourself as long as its a positive expression of who you are that doesn't take from or endanger the strength of your relationship as a whole.

Acceptance is a major element in being able to express love. Love doesn't demand changes based around what we want, its motive always revolves around whats best for the other.

All the best to you!

Absolutely. The worst thing you can do is sell out to make others like you. That’s how you end up with fair weather friends that use you and don’t have your back. What’s in your head will attract like minded people, so take a hard look at your belief system and standards. Decide if this is who you want in your life and raise your standards to attract a better quality of friend. Positive people are not attracted to negative thinking people. Ambitious people are not going to be attracted to users or coat tail riding, lazy people. Be the friend you want to attract and they will find you. Learn to enjoy your own company. You will be glad you did.

1. Don’t make her look stupid for loving you,
2. Detachment is a superpower,
3. Don’t obsess over what others have, but don’t have a bubble either. Men will size you up . Women will evaluate you . Compete !,
4. Safe isn’t enticing . Risky is attractive. Find the humour in your risks as you take them ,
5. Lead them with your actions. Reward them when they follow. Your actions hold more meaning than your words & intentions,
6. Watch your words with care . It can never be taken back ,
7. Don’t be socially inept. It’s better knowing what’s right than being right,
8. If you can’t change it , just drop it. Your mind has limited energy . Use them wisely to invest in your health, craft ,& relationships,
9. Don’t make it easier for others to pin you down & force you to follow their rules,
10. Ignore the noise & find ways to excel & enjoy your short life,
11. Just Chill.!!

There is no such thing as "being yourself" or "be yourself" because you are who you are, you are always yourself, this quote "who you are" is just a story you made to yourself.

People have always had different meanings and interpretations for what it means to be yourself, this should already raise some questions in the first place, there is no exact meaning or interpretation for "be yourself" that is universally agreed upon.

It has different meanings that range from: "be impulsive" (do what you always feel) which is not good, to "be honest" (generally yes, but always be honest not good), to whatever other metaphoric meanings and definitions people give to "be yourself".

When in fact there's no such thing as being yourself because you’re always yourself, when you are happy you can say that "you are yourself" because you feel good, you like it, but when you are sad you are also yourself, you can't be anything but yourself.

There is also the definition of "there’s no need to pretend that you like something you don't" which is close to the initial "be honest" definition. Be the default version that you can be with no effort. Because otherwise you're going to put yourself in a position where you can either keep acting forever, or risk losing that person because they thought the act was really you. I agree with that but even when you are pretending, you are still yourself, you just think that that's the right course of action.

All this "be yourself" advice raises a question: how are you supposed to be yourself? what would yourself behave like? which is a dumb question, yourself would behave exactly as you behave right now because you are yourself.

There's no such thing as "be yourself", you are the whole, with good and bad, you can't just label the things you like "this is myself" and the things you dislike "this is not myself”, but for some reason I am like this right now, so basically you are yourself.

Instead, you can offer specific advices like: admit when your feelings are hurt, because denying that you’re angry, sad, embarrassed, or disappointed, even when you’re emotionally wounded, keeps a relationship superficial or listen to yourself, accept when you're wrong, be open, etc.

You should never have to settle. You shouldn't have to accept the “bad” and say, well that's just the way it is.

In a loving and healthy relationship, you should feel like your spouse is willing to put forth the extra effort, and you should be willing to do the same for them.

You should be comfortable communicating this.

Example:

She is upset because she doesn't feel he listens to her. Not in the way where she feels heard. Whether she admits this to herself or not, this will end up causing her some resentment. There is something important to her she is not getting from her partner.

She could say, oh well. No relationship is perfect.

But you shouldn't have to accept this.

In a loving relationship, she tells her partner how she feels. He listens. He changes what he is doing, because her happiness is as important to him as his own.

Never feel like you have to settle.

I believe there are two sides to us. One side pushes us to "be ourselves", that is, basically, to listen to our impulses, which is really the easiest for us because we don't have that disagreeable feeling of having to control ourselves all the time to please or be accepted by others.

But we also have another side, which cares about what other people think and how they react, because we want to be accepted, we want to be taken into account and we want to be appreciated.

Sometimes, almost miraculously, others accept or even like us when we give in to our impulses. And that's what happens at the beginning of a relationship: we give in to our impulses and discover that it's these impulses that the other person loves in us. But this never lasts very long, because sooner or later our impulses run counter to the impulses of others. And yet we want to keep our love relationships, and if we take ourselves too far, we're bound to lose them.

There's a trick: we can be attentive to others without having to control ourselves. We do it because we care about them. We want what's good for them, and in that case, our impulses don't compete with the good we want for others, because that good starts to become part of our impulses. We just have to stop forcing ourselves, stop saying "I must" and replace it with "what do I want? I want the relationship to continue, but not just any old way. I want a relationship that takes me into account and also takes the other person into account, and I want to do my part to make that happen."