It is a complicated mix of emotions.
For the first few months after my husband died I was in a complete fog. Then I started to wake up and slowly reentered life again. I noticed that pretty much all of my friends were happily coupled and it was hard to hang out with them. Don't get me wrong they were supportive and wonderful but it was just hard to be the 5th wheel. And I think sometimes it was hard for them to hang out with me solo. Having me at a party alone made his absence more pronounced.
I realized I missed having a guy to hang out with but I knew I was nowhere near ready to start dating. So I met someone online through a strictly platonic meet up. We became friends fast. We liked the same things and hung out a lot. One time we were talking and drinking wine and one thing lead to another. It was really great. Maybe because we were good friends it just felt natural and right. I didn't have any feelings of guilt or sadness, I was just happy.
It was hard at first because I was terrified to tell my friends about it but I was also so happy. I was afraid everyone would judge me harshly because it had not been a year since my husband's death. I was particularly afraid my husband's close friends or family would be angry with me. I felt like people would think I didn't really love my husband if I moved on too quickly. And I do think this is a double standard widowers are not judged the same way if they move on soon.
When I finally brought him to a party and introduced him to people everyone was very nice. Later a girlfriend told me that when I first showed up at the party with him she assumed he was just a friend. Then as the evening wore on she realized we were there on a date and she was overcome with emotions. She said she knew in her rational mind I had every right to date and live my life but it upset her deeply to see me with someone else. (she was a close friend of my husband and knew him much longer than I did) She apologized and hoped her reaction had not bothered me. Honestly I had not noticed it at all. But this conversation made me realize that I had to be aware of others feelings too. All my friends were still grieving too. So while I wouldn't let their feelings influence my choice to date or not date, I did have to be thoughtful of how my choices impacted them. And this sometimes did impact my new relationship.
Fortunately my boyfriend is a really great guy and very secure. When we do things with my friends there are often stories about my husband shared. Most of my friends are people I met through my husband. Sometimes there is a party or event that I go to solo because it would be uncomfortable either for me or certain friends for him to be there. We talk about it and he does admit that sometimes he feels like he is being compared to my husband all the time. Mostly though we are just figuring out how to be with each other in this new relationship. Like any adults in mid life starting a relationship we both bring baggage from our previous relationships and are working on creating our own new matched set of baggage.
It feels wonderful to be in a happy relationship and in love again. I never really expected I would meet someone so soon and that it would work out so well. I'm not sure if we will be together forever (who ever knows that?) but for now its great. I know without a doubt he is the right person for me for this time in my life.
Friends have asked me if I feel guilty or weird being with someone else and I can honestly say I've never really felt any guilt. I know my husband would want me to be happy. I don't want to waste any time, if there is one thing I know now for sure it's that life is short and time is precious. And that does probably influence my new relationship. Having been through a major loss I'm just more chill now. I don't freak out over the little things like I used to.