The best parenting advice I ever got didn’t come from another parent. It wasn’t even about parenting. Nonetheless, I’ve used this advice every single day of my 10+ years of parenting, and it’s the most valuable tool in my toolkit.

When I was pregnant with my eldest son, I was reading through some old Reader’s Digest magazines, and came across one of those cute, funny stories used as place-fillers at the end of an article. It went something like this:

Our last pet had passed away, so we bought a new kitten. The first day we had her at home, she started sharpening her claws on the side of the couch—as kittens do—so my dad picked her up and put her outside. Fifteen years later, she still claws the side of the couch every time she wants to go out.

This story is my guiding beacon as a parent.

Every moment of every day, you are teaching your children something. With every single thing you say, do, or don’t do, you are teaching your children what they should say, do, and not do. The trick, as a parent, is not to teach your children the right things; the trick is to know what you’re teaching them.

If your children overhear you telling your friend how much you hate Susan’s new haircut, and then they hear you telling Susan you love her hair, you might think you’re teaching them the value of being kind to people, even if it involves a little white-lie.

But what you may actually be teaching your children is that:

1. It’s okay to talk about people behind their back.
2. It’s okay to insult people behind their back.
3. It’s okay to lie to people.

If you tell your child to clean up his/her room, and when he asks why, you yell: “Because I’m your mother and I said to do it!”, you might think you’re teaching them both the importance of keeping their living space tidy, and of respecting their elders.

But what you may actually be teaching your children is that:

1. It’s okay to yell at people if they don’t do what you say.
2. Being older, bigger, and stronger than someone gives you the right to treat them however you want.
3. When you’re bigger than someone, you can control their environment and there’s nothing they can do about it.

If you’re running late to get to an important event and you happen across a car that’s broken down, so you stop and help the driver, you might worry that you’re teaching your children that punctuality doesn’t matter. (You may also worry that you’re inadvertently teaching them a variety of swear words as you get on your way once more!)

But what you may actually be teaching your children is that:

1. The well-being of people is more important than any single event.
2. All people matter—even people you don’t personally know.
3. Helping people is the right thing to do.

Often we don’t know what we’re teaching our kids until after they’ve learned it, but this “advice”, such as it is, helps me be more mindful in the moment of the lessons I’m teaching. And, most importantly, it allows me to reflect back on when and how I taught the behaviour I’m seeing in my children.

If your children—especially small children—are behaving in ways you don’t like, it’s not because they’re not good at learning, or they’re not paying attention, or you need to discipline them more; it’s because you’re accidentally teaching them the wrong things.

Stop trying to change them. Start changing yourself.

Otherwise, in fifteen years, they’ll still be clawing the side of the couch when they want to go outside.