We weren't allowed to laugh or smile without permission and we weren't allowed to show sadness or anger.

My mom had narcissism, bipolar, depression, ocd, and probably alot more going on in her head as well. We had to do as she said, immediately, no hesitation and no resistance or rebellion. One of her favorite sayings was, “when I say jump, you ask how high". Another one was, “yours is not to question why, yours is just to do or die”.

Yeah, she needed total control of is at all times. We were not allowed to smile or laugh, unless she was taking pictures or otherwise showing us off. We all had these fake smiles in our perfectly poised childhood photos. if we didn't smile the right way on command, we would be punished. If she caught us smiling at eachother or heard us laughing in the other room, she would come in yelling at us, or occasionally hitting or punishing us, because, as she said it, “you have no reason to be laughing in here, you must be planning something against me" or “you're not smiling ’cause you're happy, you're smirking because you're planning on doing something you're not allowed to do”. We were so good at our “on display" smiles, that I believe she legitimately thought our real smiles were smirks.

We weren't allowed to cry, unless she was punishing us for something, because otherwise, we were “only crying to manipulate her" and needed to be punished.

Anger was not allowed in any situation, because it was seen as defiance. No matter what her orders were, we were to do them willingly.

Alot of the memories going through my head as I write this are from when my siblings and I were 4, 6 and 8 years old. We all turned out surprisingly well, or maybe we just fake it.