I'll give a few, for fun.

I once pissed in my bosses work boots, and set them outside to freeze. He tried throwing me under the bus about his own big-time fuckup. We had change out lockers that we would keep our work clothes in. He always kept his work boots outside his locker in front of it. So I pissed in them, and set them outside. When he got to work the next day, he was bitching because he could not find his work boots, and asked if anyone seen them. Someone said there was a pair outside. They were his, I put them there full of piss the night before. He really started bitching when he put his feet in them, and about one minute later they were thawing out, and they were wet. I don't believe he ever knew it was piss. He never said anything. Maybe he knew, and was too embarrassed.

I once went to sleep with my girlfriend at the time, at her family cottage, under the influence of alcoholic beverages. We woke up with graffiti on our faces in permanent marker. My face had a drawing of a penis going into my mouth, with a set of balls on my jaw, by my ear, on one cheek. And it said, “I'm shorty,”on the other cheek. My girlfriends face said, “I'm with shorty” on her forehead and both cheeks. A word on each spot. Oh yeah, I must tell you it was the night before Thanksgiving. I had to meet the rest of her family for the first time. This included her 88 year old grandma, and 90 year old grandpa…….with a penis on my face, and a set of nuts, to go along with it. Her grandpa took one look at me when introduced, and said, hey son come here. As I walked closer, and bent down to accommodate his conversation, he said, do you know you have a dick on your face? As I started laughing, my girlfriend said, GRANDPA, THAT'S NOT A DICK, it's supposed to be a turkey, you know, for thanksgiving!!! His reply was, that's the ugliest turkey I've ever seen, but either way, I was just making sure he knew, as not to have him embarrassed by grandma, when she see’s his face. She's not going to be so easy on him. Her grandma said, oh Shorty, that's a lovely turkey on your cheek. LMAO

Turns out, her cousin was the artist, and was over early that morning, and told grandma and grandpa of her shenanigans. They were that cool of a family, that even G and G played in on it. This was all revenge towards my girlfriend and I for pictures we took of her passed out 6 months prior. She wasn't there when we went to bed, or when we woke up. We had no idea it was her, or that G and G were in on it. So she got us good. That is still one of my favorite stories to tell, definitely a crowd pleaser.

And last but not least, I dated a girl for like 2 months one time, and she was jealous of my dog, my black lab. It was obvious, although she denied it, sadly it was obvious. So she just bought a house, and I help her move the first night she was ever going to stay there. Well, when we were done, we were going to go out to dinner. As no one knows my dog better than me, I was going to just leave him in my truck while we were gone. It was fall, and about 50 degrees, and she was worried that her neighbors would call the cops because we left my dog in my truck. I resisted the best I could, as I did not want him in a strange house, my truck was his second home. That was his safety spot, that's where he wanted to be, if I left home, he came with me 90% of the time. And on top of that she insisted he stay down in her basement, an unfinished basement I might add. She was having it no other way, she didn't want to start out being new in the neighborhood, looking like an animal abuser……..wtf? As I said it's fall, it's not summer. As I did not like the basement for his sake, I did like that better for the situation at hand, in her new house. So we go out to dinner for a couple hours, everything went good. I let my frustration over my dog disappear, and it ended up being a nice dinner, with fun and laughter. As we got back to her house, and we're going in through the garage, as soon as I opened the door to her house 2 inches, the smell of shit slapped us in the face. My worse fear, came true. Yep, he left a big FUCK YOU shit in her basement. Now, he had never did this somewhere else before when I left him, except at my own house. There was a handful of times during his life where if I had to leave him, he'd get pissed and give me a “fuck you for leaving me” shit in the same spot every time in the kitchen. Something in my gut told me that's what he was going to do this particular night. I knew it, I know my dog. Well this girl went through the roof. I'm talking, out of this world, out of her body experience,Poltergeist / Matrix shit going on with the anger she unleashed on myself and him. As I mentioned in other answers, I cannot pick up dog shit without it wreaking havoc on myself and anything around me. There will be puke being picked up right along with the dog shit if I try to do this, which I have tried many times. I once paid a stranger 60 or 80 dollars (I cant remember exactly) for 20 seconds of work, for picking up dog shit in my own house. He pulled up to the stop sign, and I walked up to his car window with the money in my hand and said, I don't know you, but do you want to make $60, all you have to do is park, come in my house, pick up this dog shit, and we will both be happy people. He did it. When he left we both were looking at each other smiling, thinking, SUCKER!!!!

Anyways, back to this particular shit show. I instantly said I'd be right back with cleaning supplies, and went down to the local Walmart spending

50 bucks on different cleaning supplies. When I got back, she had already had her supplies out, ignored my $50 worth of stuff out of spite, and just was bitching the whole time, to the point where, I envisioned myself taking one of the cleanup shit rags and splattering it in her face. So I just went upstairs, laid down on the couch, waited for her to get done downstairs and quit bitching . She finally came upstairs, only to keep on bitching, and bitching, and bitching. She made the comment two times that he should be shot for being such a bad dog! Who raises a dog that would do such a thing, in someone's brand new home? Well this hit a spot for me. And the reason why it did, was she knew how good of a dog he was, and how well-trained he was. I had weekly compliments, his whole life from people saying how well-trained, and loving he was. He never had to be on a leash, because he never chased other dogs, or people. He listened on one command. He was a great waterfowl dog, probably the best I'll ever own. So these words were not true, and very unnecessary. But she had zero empathy saying these things. At that moment I decided I was done with her. It would be the last night I saw her. I fell asleep on the couch, woke up at 5:30 a m, and left without saying goodbye. When I got home, I text messaged her saying this………

Well it's a done deal. Wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. You don't have to worry about him again, shitting in your house, or getting in between you and I, because he's gone.

Her reply: What are you talkin about?

Me: Well I killed him. I totally thought about what you said last night, and what a piece of shit he is, and that he should be shot, I couldn't agree more. What kind of boyfriend would I be, if I ignored my girlfriend's wishes? After all we are soul mates. Okay, hope you don't mind, I have to go dig his grave now, so I'm going to be busy for a while. I'll talk to you soon, I love you honey!!!

She than messaged me: Um, you better not be fucking serious. You are kidding, correct? I was just venting, letting off steam. I didn't really want you to kill him. Why would you take that seriously?

My reply: Of course, I'm being serious! What my woman wants, my woman gets. I don't fuck around, why, what are you saying? You saying you really didn't want me to kill him?

Her reply: Of course I didn't want you to kill him you fucking psycho!! Who just kills their dog like it's nothing, and then is proud of it? You need mental help!!!

My reply: (crickets chirping) I didn't reply at all.

Two days later, she replied: You really didn't kill him, did you?

My reply: Of course I didn't, you weirdo, I would take you out before him, every single day of the week! Take care now!

criqu