I’m not sure this counts as revenge, as such, but what the hell.

I moved into a flat in a town where I knew no-one, just for the hell of it. I worked from home, it seemed like a nice enough town.

I discovered after several months of stress-free living that I had not had any neighbours, which I learned by… well, by getting neighbours. Only on one side, I met the lad as he was moving in. He seemed nice, a bit wet, but nice enough.

Pretty soon after he moved in, so did his friends, who clearly took advantage of him being a wet fart of a personality. I’m not exaggerating when I say there must have been 25 kids sleeping there of all ages, from about 8 up to 18.

The dance music went on into the night, as did the shouting. On the one night it was quiet, it was because he was out; when his friends came back, they handbrake-turned into the car park with the loudest music I have ever heard from a car. They just didn’t want me to sleep, it seemed.

It went on. They started dealing drugs from the flat. Out of the window, from the first floor (second floor, US readers). They were not subtle. I was getting pretty annoyed to say the least, though they were always careful to be pleasant when they saw me in person.

One day, it was very sunny and warm out. They took a single mattress outside, and lay on it in the car park. I walked by on my way to the pub to get drunk enough to sleep through their nonsense. We exchanged pleasantries.

On my way back from the pub, many many beers later, I noted the mattress was still out, and I was desperate for a pee. I laid it back down and unloaded the result of at least 10 pints worth of beer (not a 10-pint pee, obv, but the last one at the end of a night on the lash). I soaked it. Absolutely soaked it.

Next day, it was another sunny one. They were outside lying on the mattress again. So I surreptitiously, from my back windows, took photographs, then posted them on my blog with the story of how I had pissed all over the mattress the previous night, and what utter anuses they had been.

My blog – which was all about life in the town, written under a pseudonym – was later found by some locals and went through the town like a dose of crabs. Plenty of people read about his piss-soaked mattress, complete with photographs. I’m told they were furious. Heh.