I have this issue at work. Only I am the employee who doesn’t attend the parties.

The parties are not mandatory. They are after hours and they are voluntary. However, once a year, there is a black tie gala and everyone is invited and HR tries to strong arm everyone into attending. Why? Because they need someone to sit at the front table and hand out name tags and greet the guests. So it isn’t actually a ‘party’ for staff - it is unpaid overtime. But unpaid overtime where we have to pay to park without being given reimbursement (some years this is $20, some years it is $50),we have to work until after 10 pm, and we have to wear expensive clothing (black tie means tuxedos for the men and dresses for the ladies - one of the places we’ve had this gala in the past had a dress code of ‘no slacks for women’ and I just don’t own that kind of clothing), so I would have to go out and purchase these clothes. When I was hired, I asked the dress code and no one said, “And once a year you need a formal gown.”

The last gala, staff in my position were being guilted into attending - it was a ‘community building’ experience, a chance to see each other outside the work environment, an opportunity to get together and relax. We weren’t being good ‘team players’ for not attending.

The HR director called me and asked why I wouldn’t be attending - I would be ‘so missed.’

1. I explained my commute - I leave home at 6:00 am to get to work by 8:30, and then have to leave at 5:00 pm to catch the train home - the last train leaves Union Station at 6:50 pm, and the gala starts at 8 pm; how was I to get home?
2. “Can’t you drive that day?” We had one car and my husband had to be at work at 10 pm, 40 miles away - if I drove, I’d have to leave at 8:30 to assure I got home in time to not make him late for work. That’s why I took this job - our schedules worked this way so we only had to have a single car.
3. “Bring him along!” Sure, and rent him a tuxedo for $150. And he’d have to use a day of vacation time - I can’t ask my husband to spend his vacation time standing around with people at my work. Plus it was a Friday night - almost impossible for him to take off because that is a night when he is the only supervisor, which means another supervisor has to work his shift, inconveniencing a co-worker so he can attend an event at my work that neither of us wants to attend - we’re not ‘gala types.’
4. I don’t own any formal gowns. “This is a good excuse to go shopping!” I don’t need an excuse to go shopping - I don’t have the money to spend on a gown to be worn once - my size fluctuates and it might not fit me next year. But I work this far from home because I need the money - this isn’t a hobby for me; I don’t have a lot of spare money for spending on work clothing (people tease me for always wearing the same 10 outfits - but I only own three pairs of pants and ten blouses because I don’t have money to update my wardrobe; I wear the same clothing summer to winter), let alone formal gowns. And I don’t have time to just go shopping - my day is 6 am to 8 pm, five days a week - I don’t want to spend my days off in a store looking for a dress I can afford that might fit me, only to wear it to this event. Then I have to pay to dry-clean the dress - more money down the tubes and more time wasted that I don’t need to waste, just to work unpaid overtime.
5. “It won’t be work - it’s a party for the faculty and staff!” No. No it is not. The last year, all of the photos showed faculty smiling and having fun and staff in the background sitting at the check in table - even the photos of the staff were of them either behind the table or standing near the entrance; there are none of staff mingling with the faculty and all the group shots are of faculty with not a single staff member in sight. Staff who were there said they sat at the table for two of the three hours of the event - waiting for someone to show up to relieve them only to find that person had already gone home or didn’t show up (HR had breathed down their necks until they said, “Okay” but they had no intention of showing up on a Friday night to work at the check in table for free).
6. “Will there be alcohol?” “Oh, yes! An open bar!” Then I will not attend - I don’t drink and don’t hang around people who do. I have no interest in seeing people who are mean to me during the day getting liquored up and being mean to me after hours. Three hours of open bar means three hours of letting inhibitions fall aside. I do not want to be around some of these people when they’re sober - I have even less desire to be around them after they’ve had a few too many drinks. One of the previous year’s attendees told me she would never go again - she got nothing to eat because she was at the check in table most of the night, and when she did get to the buffet, one of the tipsy faculty pretty much demanded she get him an Uber. Then they asked her to stay behind for a ‘little while’ to help clean up; she didn’t get out of there until 11 pm. Sure, I want to work at the check in table then have to call for and pay for an Uber and wait around with the faculty member while it shows up. What a fun Friday evening!

Or I can just go home and sleep - my usual Friday night way of winding down from a 65 hour week.

So let’s review:

I work 65 hours a week. The last train to home leaves before this ‘party’ begins. I will be up at 6 am and not get out of there until 10 pm (or later), by which time I will be exhausted, yet still have a 40 mile drive home ahead of me. Staff are expected to work at least (but usually more than) an hour of the three hour event. I have to pay for a dress. My husband has to take a day off of work. Another employee who has that night off will have to work for him. I have to rent him a tux. I’ll have to drive my car into DC. I’ll have to pay to park. There will be no food for me because I will be ‘not working’ at the reception desk while my husband, who has nothing in common with these people mills around with no one to talk to - I’m sure your spouse can’t hang around the reception desk while you’re busy ‘not’ working. And it is in poor taste (I am also an events manager and this is the cardinal rule of events) to eat at the check in table. Drinks will be flowing freely and people who talk down to me on a GOOD day at work (“Why don’t you just wash the dishes people leave in the conference room? That’s YOUR JOB.” and “I know it is after 5, and you’re on your way out the door [to catch a train], but I need these things copied for tomorrow’s meeting. I have to leave so just put them on my desk. And don’t say No because this is YOUR JOB.” - I’m a budget manager, so neither of these things are ‘my job’) during the week, will now be poured full with legal drugs and feel uninhibited to insult me after hours. And my husband will punch them when they do.

I think I’ll pass on the ‘super fun gala’ and just go home to bed. It’ll save me $100 on a dress, $150 on a tux, $50 on parking, not waste my husband’s vacation time, not get another employee out of his comfortable bed to work his shift, I’ll get home after just 13 hours rather than 17 hours, and none of the faculty will get punched in their drunken noses.

But thanks for the invite.