I can answer this. I had 3 children, oldest with cerebral palsy, middle child normal, youngest child with rare genetic syndrome that physically handicapped him later in life. I divorced their Dad due to alcoholism. I worked full time and have always worked. I paid a baby sitter for the oldest out of my own pocket to come in and sit with her after school because daycares wouldn’t service her. When I got home from work, I took over. My youngest was mentally normal and didn’t need as much when he was young. I qualified for zero assistance. I asked and applied. My youngest had to go out of state for treatment and it became impossible for anyone to care for my oldest child. My ex, her Dad did nothing to help. No visitation with her. He would take the youngest two. My family couldn’t help because they couldn’t lift her. Not to mention, my parents were older.

She grew to a normal sized smaller adult and weighed 106#, I weighed 120#. I was lifting her because she was non ambulatory, non verbal, paralyzed on the right side. She was unable to feed herself and wore diapers. After taking care of her for 16 years and doing it essentially alone, I had to have help. I plainly couldn’t do it any longer plus try to do what my other 2 needed.

I did finally get some assistance for at home through a state grant. Agency would send someone in to help. However, I ended up having items stolen, they would consistently call in sick and I wouldn’t be able to work. So that solution was not good. However, the help was only there while I worked. When I came home, it was my responsibility.

Through applying for assistance and working with the state Medicaid department as an employee, I had been told over and over that she would qualify for everything as soon as she was out of my house. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. But my youngest was going to have to have surgery out of state and I couldn’t care for her or take her with me. Zero help.

So I made the hardest decision I ever had to make and that was to place her in a group home. I placed her when she was 16 years old. She went to a fabulous group home. She had opportunities to live as a normal teen and do normal things. It was actually hard to catch her at home because when school started up, Friday nights were football games. They took her to movies, concerts, etc. She went to the beach with the group home. I still visited her. When she became sick with ovarian cancer 20 years later, the staff took turns and came to sit with her at the hospital even though I was there. She died 3 years later from cancer at age 35. But she had been institutionalized since age 16. It was the best thing I could have ever done. She loved coming home and I could go get her and bring her home for holidays. She didn’t spend the night because I had dropped her trying to transfer her from the chair to the bed to change a diaper. But, I was also able to visit as much as I wanted and we did.

No one should ever shame a parent if they have never walked in their shoes. It’s not a walk in the park and it’s not giving up your child or disposing of them. There is only so much one person can do. The burn out is very very real when doing it alone.

Thanks to everyone for the kind responses and understanding what this post is for, it’s giving an answer to try to help another parent. For anyone that chooses to slam my response and make it into something it isn’t, your post will be reported and you will be blocked. This response was given to help a parent. If you haven’t walked in our shoes, keep your negativity and ugly comments to yourself.

My niece was born with Ruebella (German measles) and was severely mentally and physically handicapped from birth. Within a year, her mother decided she had better things to do and left her husband (my brother) for the guy across the street.

For many years my brother struggled to care for his daughter as a single father. It eventually became an impossible situation. As much as he hated to do it, he had to let my niece become a ward of the state and she was placed in a group home.

It actually worked out great for both of them. My niece is in a great home where she is well cared for and my brother gets to visit with her as often as he wants. For many years she came home with him every other weekend.

My brother is now 75 and has a lot of health issues and cannot physically handle my niece as she is a relatively normal size woman, a little on the small side. She is almost 45 now.

She has been in a stable, safe, loving group home for a lot of years now and my brother has the comfort of knowing she will continue to be well taken care of for the rest of her life.

My brother hated to “give” up his daughter but sometimes it has to be done for the best interests of everyone.

I worked on a lawsuit where an 18 year old was in a truly horrific accident. She had immense brain damage. Her family tried to take care of her for a little while after she was released from the hospital. They loved their daughter dearly and would visit her in the hospital everyday including the six months she was in a coma. They found that they could not control her outbursts or violence. She had changed because of the accident. The parents made the difficult decision of putting her in a group home for individuals with brain damage. The young woman thrived at the group home. Her parents continued to visit her often. I don’t remember if it was daily or weekly.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for YOUR CHILD AND YOURSELF is to put your child in the right environment. It is awesome that you were able to take care of your son for 6 years. You deserve a lot of credit for that. You and your son deserve to have a healthy life where there isn’t always drama. If you keep taking care of him and have a heart attack due to stress, what is your son going to do without you. Now, he has a chance to go to a group home that specializes in autism and can thrive there. It may be a bumpy road for the first 6–12 months. If you stay involved in your son’s life, he will know you love him. Your level of involvement is up to you, you can go once a week, once a month or never.

You deserve some happiness as well. Don’t feel bad for trying to find a better life for yourself as well as your son. If you decide to find a group home for your son, do your homework. Check online reviews, check with the Better Business Bureau, check with your insurance company and the state medical review board for any complaints against the group home. Ask for references from other patients families. You can relieve a lot of your stress if you do your due diligence to find out the reliability and safety of the group home you choose.

I wish you a lot of luck in finding a group home for your son!

Edit #1. - I am so excited, over 600 upvotes. My highest ever! Thank you for all the upvotes!

Edit #2. - shut the front door. I have over 1500 upvotes. I am so thankful for everyone who responded with an upvote and thought my answer was good! I hope it helped someone who was struggling!

Edit #3 - getting close to 2,000 upvotes. I am truly humbled that anyone finds my post helpful or interesting. Thank you for all the upvotes!

There's a lot of good answers here, but the majority are from family members of disabled people and so I will offer another perspective.

If you end up doing the group home thing, make sure you keep your son in the loop the entire time. Bring him to potential homes and let him look around, let him see how a day works in a group home.

When I was young, my family started pressuring my mom to send me to a group home and that really upset and scared me because I didn't know what that meant. All I knew was that my mom had thought about “sending me away” even though I hadn't done anything wrong and it really shook my sense of security. I felt unwanted and like a burden which informed my entire worldview, opened me up to future abuses and is something I still struggle with to this day.

To expect 24/7 specialized care from parents is unrealistic and damaging. Changing your child's environment is sometimes the best available option, but remember that he's not a ball and chain, he's a fucking person with his own whole inner life and perspective and your next actions need to come from the desire for both of you to have a better life and stronger relationship despite living apart. He is a 10 year old boy and you are his family. You are his life right now. You're not taking a stray dog to the pound.

I can't say from a child's experience, but I used to work in one. I can tell you that the staff make all the difference. I had kids that loved when I worked and wished that I worked every day and on the opposite end they hated one staff member and wished she never worked. The best suggestion I can give you is do your research on the place. Our home had 24/7 cameras thay recorded everywhere but the bedrooms, and staff wasn't allowed to enter the bedroom unless it was an emergency. I felt like this was a wonderful relief for parents because they knew at any time they could say we want to see the footage. Not all group homes are horrible, but do your research. Also pay attention to how your son acts. You should know his mannerisms by now. If 6 months to a year down the road comes along and he seems to not be thriving, don't ignore that. Don't continue to sit and wait. If you truly care about him and want him to be in an area where you can still visit and he can be comfortable pay attention to him. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything works out for both you and your son.

When I was a teen, I ended up a Ward of the Court and was placed in a group home in San Francisco. There were 6 individual homes in the Richmond District, 3 for boys and three for girls. Generally there were 2 houseparents and 6 kids per house. We were grouped by age.

They tried to make it as much like a real home as they could. We had regular chores and regular activities. We got a weekly allowance. While I was there, I had voice lessons and guitar lessons. One of the houseparents helped me learn to sew. Another houseparent took some of us to the Stones concert at Altamont. We got good medical care and counseling. I even had a pet cat.

Although not all the houseparents were as good as others, some were nothing short of amazing and I had no doubt that I was loved.

So no, not all group homes are horrible.

I have worked for 3 agencies that provided care for developmentally disabled people. Two for adults (one was a group home, the other “independent” living), and a group home for children. The residents at the adult home all had both intellectual and psychiatric diagnoses, which was fun (read that as “challenging”). So I think I’m qualified to answer this, yeah?

The group homes were similar, though they weren’t the same agency. Each had 8 residents and 24/7 staffing. The residents in the adult home had chores, while in the children’s home it depended on age, but regardless of how it was done those homes were immaculate.

The staff, who had been trained to do so, made the meal plans (with assist from residents at the adult home, though I think some places use a dietician). Staff (and residents at the adult home) prepared meals and did or oversaw cleaning.

Each resident had an individualized program to teach them to be as independent as possible. There were also plans we put into action for when those with behavior problems lost it. The residents at the children’s home went to school and the people at the adult home went to work.

Both group homes were well-staffed with people who had to certify in first aid and CPR and, more importantly, cared about the residents. As I said, the homes were clean and well-maintained, and transportation was available for planned outings or if a resident had an appointment somewhere.

When you say you “want to move on”, do you mean you want to place him and walk away for good? I do hope not! Even though you are tired now, once you get rested up, you can still be involved with your son’s life. Because regardless of how well the home is managed, he will still need your involvement as an advocate.

Good luck!

I have had the privilege of being on three different perspectives in this situation. I have worked in home and in facility respite care and medical care as a cna. (20 years ago) I have worked in private run residential care as well as state run and a special needs orphanage run by the state.

I have three children two of which were on the spectrum. Back then it was called sensory integration dysfunction. My son was diagnosed at age 2 i was told I recognized the signs early ( again almost 20 years ago most children were diagnosed around 4) he was considered hyper stimulated my oldest daughter was diagnosed at age 1 half but she was under stimulated. My three children ages now are 21, 19, 17 and im 41. For perspective three toddlers two are on the spectrum but need polar opposite treatments and therapy and then my youngest at age three was diagnosed with chiari 1 malformation she had developed with 17mm of her cerebral cortex protruding down through the hole in the base of the skull where the spinal cord is located and had to undergo surgery to relieve the swelling and pressure. My point is I understand the side of being tired and ready to move forward with your life.
the fact that you are even asking this question screams your a great parent.
sometimes the only way forward is to accept that you are not the best solution in your child’s care. That goes for all situations and all parents and all caregivers to young or old

putting what is best for your loved one over what makes you feel better about yourself isn’t always the easiest solution.
my advice if you are at the point where you can no longer be his best solution it’s time to start investigating your options take your time speak with other visitors and most importantly when you find your sons new home be a consistent visitor. I say this because I have personally seen the residence in private and state run facilities equally who have visitors are always looked after and cared for than the clients who were never visited or who were wards of the state because they were taken away for there own welfare such as abuse or neglect. Not to mention that transitioning for him will be easier and you most likely will regain your former zeal as you integrate balance back into your own life.

I do want to just say I see U, you are not alone and you are loved.

most importantly you have god holding you up who loves you both. I wish you all the blessings you can have I wish you balance and peace and love.

No they're not always horrible, but you really have to do a lot of research before you put your child in a group home, because there are horrible ones out there. I'm a single mom of three boys, and my middle son has down syndrome. I've been a single mom since my youngest was five and my middle son was eight. Their dad used to see them every other weekend, but he stopped that as soon as they turned 18. This was devastating for my middle son and led to a lot of behavioral challenges, and those behaviors made it impossible to find a provider that was capable of providing support. So I understand what it means to not have any support. There have been times over the years that were extremely stressful and exhausting. There have been countless Good times though too, but I would be lying if I said that during some of those extremely stressful times that I didn't think about a group home. Some people thrive in a group home setting, but I don't think my son would be one of those people, so I committed years ago to never send him to a group home. When I'm too old to care for him, it's been decided that he will go live with his brother. I understand your stress, but what I don't understand was the comment you made, that you want to move on. Move on from what? From being a father, from being involved in your child's life? Even if you decide that a group home setting is what's best for your child, won't you still want to be involved in your child's life? Because your child will still want to be involved in your life. Even though my middle son is now 31 years old, he adores his father. Unfortunately for him he doesn't get to see his father very often, because his dad decided that he wanted to live his own life, and not be burdened with visits by his son. This has caused my son great emotional distress because he doesn't understand why he can't go see his dad. You have a difficult decision to make. Whatever you decide to do, please don't move on from being involved in your child's life. You can look at it as being a struggle, or you can look at it as being your life's greatest accomplishment. Whatever you decide, good luck to you and to your son

One of my church sisters faced a similar decision with one of her sons. Even though she wasn’t a single parent, the problems their son’s disorders caused were severe.

Aaron still lives in the group home they found for him as a child. They visit him regularly, take him to church, spend all holidays with him….but the 24/7 grind of caring for his needs is gone.

Since I’m in a tough situation with my grandkids, she has told me a few things:

1. Parenting Aaron was beyond her abilities. Since kids are not born with individualized instruction manuals and some require extensive training and care, parents of such kids get overwhelmed, frustrated and worn down.
2. Group homes have MANY trained, licensed adult providers; a parent can’t compete with that…
3. Group homes offer activities, therapy and intervention that is specific to the child’s needs. Parents rarely have access to everything needed.
4. And the most important thing….the relationship between her and her son is not strained like it was before he went into the group home. She looks forward to her visits and it has healed some of the problems between them.

Sure, there are down sides. A great deal of them can be avoided.

Researching a facility can turn up any complaints or violations, so there’s peace of mind in placing a child in their care. Making unannounced visits can also help since you’ll see the facility randomly….it keeps them honest. Any facility that won’t allow randomized visits should be crossed off your list of potentials. Making your child part of the choice from that point, once research is done, can help too….and especially if you keep up with visits. Your son won’t feel abandoned if you stay constant and always follow through on your promises to him.

I get the tiredness you mentioned….totally. And as a twice over single parent (I now have my 3 grandkids after my first “extreme parenting” rodeo) I’m sorry your support system isn’t available….I have a similar issue with lack of support, so I know how damaging it is.

I pray you find some peace and comfort….and that you aren’t feeling judged by people who have never had to contemplate playing the cards you’ve been dealt.

Let me just say that you have done something that most people could not do and will never understand. You have done a good thing.

Let me also say that caregiver stress can and does kill people.

https://www.apa.org/research/action/caregiving.aspx

Caregiving Strain and All-Cause Mortality: Evidence From the REGARDS Study

It sounds as though you are isolated and stressed to the point where you need help. Look into social work recommendations, check out the available caregiving assistance and respite care that is available to you. But I am assuming you already have done that and are still feeling alone and overwhelmed.

A “group home” placement does not mean that you are abandoning your child. Also there is no reason that you could not continue to play a very active role in your child’s life—while also being allowed to move on with your own.

Here is a blog article by a mother who made a similar decision.

Why I placed my disabled child in a group home

You love your child. However, if you destroy your life and health, you won’t be there to advocate for him. People might not understand that. But that is okay. It sounds to me like you have already made the decision in your mind, but your heart is looking for permission. I do not envy you your choice.

No it is not wrong or immoral to place your child if you cannot care for him, or if caring for him destroys you or makes you resent him. Your job is to find the very best place that you can find, and find a way to continue to be a big presence in his life.

My brother has a son with brain damage. He was out of control and a danger to the other children. They put him in a foster home, not exactly a group home but a family home with professional parents. Best thing ever, the foster parents taught him to talk, control his violence and learn to be polite. When he was with my brother to get a glass of water he would point at the sink and grunt. Foster parents taught him to say “may I please have a glass of water?” He went to school but couldn’t learn. Foster parents found he loved music. They let him buy a keyboard with his SSI money and kept it safe from the other children. If he had a bad day in school he lost the use of the keyboard, so no biting, peeing on or other problems if he wanted music. The school let him out of classes to listen to the band practice. At 18 he got brain surgery to control the violence and the state took custody of him. Now he is over 40 still in state custody working in a sheltered workshop. He is so much better off in institutions that know how to handle him. He is a big man, his dad is 77 with health issues he couldn’t still take care of him and his step mom died years ago.

I was in a group home for a few years. It was actually not that bad. You have to be careful which one you will decide to go with though. The one i was in had several delinquents that were sent there from court. Those guys kinda sucked. But everyone that was there for mental health reasons were awesome. The staff were wonderful. We went out every weekend somewhere and a lot of the times it was the gym, so it was a super healthy environment. And the teachers!! They had two teachers where i was at and they were wonderful! They put me into whatever online extra curriculum classes I wanted and were great people all in all. Just do some research and make sure to take lots of tours. See if you can talk to some of the staff or have a trial week. You got this!

I have two autistic kids son 11 and daughter 10. Daughter is severely autistic as she is also nonverbal. I left their father back In 2018 when they were both 4 and 3 years old. I could no longer take the fight everyday with their father and his drinking. Sometimes I’d come home from work in the middle of the day passed out drunk on the couch while she ran around with a knife side up on her hand and her brother chasing her to get it from her or to stop her from hurting herself.. there’s so much more but I saw it wasn’t healthy for my kids .. she’s now 10, I’m a si for mum and I dedicated my life to my kids. I learned to be very patient it’s my biggest attribute. Patient and love, do what you think it’s best for you and your kid. What’s best for me and my two autistic is to be with me, and I don’t have the heart to send them away and this is me.. if you could no longer take care of your kid do what you must.. we are all not built the same and we are all not the same,.. I had my reasons as to why I made sure they stay and they are with me. Their father do not help me in anything when it came to raising them, I’m also financially supporting them..

I don't have a disabled child, but I can answer your question from the perspective of a caregiver who has worked in 3 different group homes over the years, & currently manages one.

It sounds like you are really burned out, which is understandable, especially since you're doing it all by yourself. You shouldn't be in that situation, but not everyone has a support system.

Group homes are definitely not “always terrible.” In fact, many are really great. Having others take over the care of your son is probably the best choice you could make at this point, as long as it's done thoughtfully. & a good home will let you visit at any time, & take your son on outings or vacations etc. They should be accommodating to you & your family's wishes.

My advice;

1. Involve your son in the decision. Explain the changes to him in a positive way, for example; now that he's getting older, he's going to get to live in a separate house & make new friends, you still love him & you'll be visiting him frequently. Take him to visit the different group homes near you, & make the transition as gentle as possible. Visit him frequently.
2. Call the DHS office in your area, & ask them for the annual liscensing information on each group home. You'll want to know whether the home you're considering has failed licensing inspection, or was given a “Plan Of Corrections,” & what their Plan Of Corrections was. Basically this means that during the inspection the state noted some problems, which could be something as minor as a paper that wasn't signed, or it could be a major issue. Either way, it's public knowledge, & will tell you a lot about that home.
3. Interview the company that owns/runs the group home. Find out their staffing ratio, how long employees typically stay there, how long their residents have lived there, how they settle disputes, what their policies are regarding things that are important to you & your son. Talk to the caregivers directly & ask them what they like about working there. Observe & assess whether they seem relaxed & happy, or stressed.
4. Tour the home, does it look clean? Is it in good repair? Do the residents seem happy? Do they go on outings frequently?

Use your best judgement & take your time. Good luck! 😊

I knew a family, a professional man with 3 kids. One had a genetic disorder that only results in mild cognitive impairment but some difficult behavioral stuff. After she was 18 or 19, the fights and drama just became too much. They placed her in a group home especially for those with her disease and she’s doing great! They visit when they can but the stress level is way better.

Even more dramatic, I had a single mom as a patient. Her teen son had autism with behaviors. He weighed 220#, she weighted 120#. She just couldn’t protect him, or herself, when he became combative. After years she finally placed him in a group home. She and the other kids are safer, calmer and he’s in a place where they’re able to devote the time and muscle to keeping him safe.

I worked with severely autistic men (and other groups) It is inhumane for someone to take care of a person/child like that alone or even with a partner. As one parent told me: It is the day that never ends, all of our times (mom, dad, two adult siblings) is occupied by not only caring but organizing.
We, the pros that was there for our shifts, and then went home, was tiered. To do that 24/7… no, no one should need to do that.
And what is often the case is that relationship between child and parents become better, because it is not all one long work shift.
I don’t know how your child functions, but I come across cases where the autistic person only sleeps a couple of hours every second day or so. Parents that needed to keep their fridge and freezer locked because at nighttime someone had a small feast containing four raw frozen pork chops and half a kilo butter. And many, many, many other stories illustrating how difficult it is. Then, in the case he is violent, he will become bigger, stronger and harder to handle.

I hope you find a good home for son, you must be exhausted.
And I wish you the very best of luck.

My husband is .. Well, he is married, working a good job that supports our family, etc.

So the diagnosis he was given back in the 70s was ADHD, and mostly he was just a “handful.”

Emotionally dysregulated, sensory-seeking, that kind of thing..

His dad took off when he was 4. A couple years later, his mom just couldn't handle him anymore and put him in a group home..

When he talks about the two years he was there, he has almost entirely positive memories.

So even in the 70s, there were good group homes.

Find the right place, and your kid will have support and assistance at a level you can only dream of.

Actually a needs-specific group home might be a very good step for your son. He will be cared for by professionals who understand his needs and will encourage him to learn to live his best life. He will have the chance to make friends among others like himself. He will gain a bit of independence from you. In many societies it is usual for a child to go to a boarding school to finish his education. No one sees that as abandonment or as a sign of loss of love for the child. It is viewed as a positive step in the development of the child into adulthood. Just be sure to still remain involved in your son’s life and assure him that you have not abandoned him. (Your final comment about needing to “move on” is a bit disturbing.)

I was with you all the way to the end of the last sentence. Having an autistic child, even a ‘high functioning’ one is a huge hurdle which I cannot imagine having to have navigated alone. But ‘I want to move on’ is pretty selfish. I’m not saying a group home isn’t the right place for your child. It might be a wonderful place that he will love and in which he will thrive.

But you should never want to ‘move on’ from your child. You should always be in his life. He should be in your life. Living in a group home doesn’t mean you wash your hands of him. You go to his school plays, you have birthday parties for him and have him in your home for holidays. You should WANT to be in his life. My 4.5 yo autistic child tried to strangle his brother and opened the baby gate to push him downstairs (nothing but a keyed lock could keep him out and they don’t make those on baby gates). We considered a group home for him. So I get it. I’m going to chalk your choice of words up to your exhaustion. Please never abandon your child to the care of strangers. A group home can and should be a combined care between the staff there and you. Also you need to be in your sons life to be sure he is never mistreated, left behind or abused. If you aren’t in his life, you never know what might happen. You also need to make financial and medical descisions for him. Living in a group home doesn’t mean giving up all your parental rights.

I lived the first 18years of my life living in the same house with my autistic youngest brother. I know how physically and mentally exhausting it can be. What troubles me is the way you say I WANT TO MOVE ON…You have to keep in mind that your child didn't ask to be born with autism. I'm sure he gets frustrated too. I'm not judging you..I don't know your circumstances. Please don't take offense. Have you looked into perhaps contacting an organization who deals with autistic children? My parents did. The doctors there were extremely helpful in explaining specific details concerning autism that my parents weren't aware of. It made a significant difference. I ish you luck in your decision. I know you want whatever's best for your child.If there's any way I can help I'd be delighted to do so. God bless you both.

I know that is a hard role and that is a hard decision. I’m not sure I could manage your position, if I’m being honest. My daughter has severe mental health needs and is on the spectrum. She is higher masking so that role isn’t as difficult, but her depression and anxiety is sometimes draining especially with my own depression. One thing I did at home that might be helpful for you is a zen den. I created a small room with various lighting (can choose a color or sit in the dark), big bean bag, weighted blanket, coloring books and crayons/pencils, notebooks, soft yarn and other scensory items, fidget toys, bubble wrap, etc. It is a place anyone in the family can go with we need time out to calm down or relax. It has been so helpful. Another thing we do, which may not help your situation, but might help someone reading, is when we “need a minute” to scream, stomp our feet, cry, whine, whatever, it’s allowed. We get out our immediate frustrations for a minute or however long we need and we feel so much relief after we are done.

If after some thought, you decide to utilize a group home, don’t listen to anyone who gives you a hard time. If they are so pressed about it, they can bring their nosey butts to your house and volunteer to help you. If they aren’t willing to do that permanently, they can shut up and mind their business.

You can always tour various group homes and find one that is a good fit for your child. You can visit any time. You will still be an active part of their life. Don’t let the stigma keep you from getting the help you need. Your child can flourish in that environment, if it is the right place.

You can do it, dad. Don’t worry.

As someone who has worked in a group home of five residents all with physically and intellectual needs, I can say that not all such facilities are bad. Some are wonderful and the best option for some people with special needs.

However, you need to have an understanding of the system employed there, make your expectations known and find out if they can meet them or if you can find a acceptable alternative.

What are your hopes, dreams and expectations for your child. Speak to your son’s therapists and case manager

Then ask these questions - this is not a complete list, I just hope it triggers some questions of your own

How can the care provider meet those expectations.

What are the rules

What is the financial situation

What is the medication regime

What access to medical care is provided, what training do the staff have

How are the staff trained/upskilled/supervised

What are the rules around visiting (do you have to book a visitation or can you turn up unannounced at any time from 7am to 9pm or within other timeframes) for a “spot” check

Are the staff trained in special dietary needs

Are the staff trained to toilet clients, lift clients using lifters if needed, are they trained in meeting the needs of autistic children - particularly communication

What rules are in place for chemical/physical restraint

Check to see whether any complaints have been made against the facility or provider - what were the outcomes?

In my experience many people with a disability thrive in a group home as they have more access to other people, therapy, outings, different foods, experiences.

It is a difficult transition to make but it is often best for the child who will gain greater independence as they grow older and into adulthood; and for the parent/parents who have a chance to enjoy a little bit more of life.

Caring for a severely autistic child is challenging and as long as you love him and remain a regular and important part of his life, moving him to a group home may be the best option.

I hope that helps

My adult son went into group homes when he was about 23. He was treated horribly in most of them. He has autism and he is verbal (not a lot), blunt, and can come across as a bit harsh in his bluntness.

We live in California where there is a very big group home system run by the Regional Center. The group homes are owned by individual owners, and the owner may come across as a great person, but they are not the ones that are in the home with the clients. The people that work with the clients are often making not much money and very poorly trained, not educated to be working with the disabled. You won't find much support if you try to complain to the state agencies running the homes, because there is so much demand for placement that they don't like to rock the boat or cause Issues for any of their providers. They will even manipulate your child into signing an agreement, if they are over 18, that you don't have the right to discuss their case with anyone at the agency in charge. I was my son's only advocate, I was the only person who would tell about the mistreatment, and they would not let me address any of it, because of having him sign this paper that he didn't understand.

My son was treated so badly at times, and he was also housed in rooms with other disabled clients who at times would abuse him, or had really dysfunctional issues that irritated him very much with his autism.

I cannot describe how devastating this was. I spent years trying to convince him that a group home was a good place for him to go to get off the street, to get help and have a good life. Then when he got there, it was such a huge disappointment. He could have worked a regular job, with minor supervision, but they were too busy taking care of the more disabled people and refuse to help him facilitate this. He was expected to do the same things that the much more severely disabled people did all day, which bored him to death. He was not capable of living on his own because of some of the aspects of this autism, and they only have 2 types of placement - you're either capable of independent living or you are not. People like him are on a spectrum and between the 2, and they just don't really care to try to accommodate that, which really reduces the quality of living and their satisfaction with their own situation.

They would also send him out with the other clients at in a day program he was assigned to, to pick up recycling for money. He was the only person that could function well enough to really do much of this properly, and so even though he collected the bulk of the recycling, he had to share what he collected with everyone else. Then on the bus going there or back, he was being treated badly or irritated by the other clients and their weird behaviors, and he would get in trouble if he responded to any of it. People with autism are very irritated by certain things in their environment, and being around a lot of mentally disabled people can really trigger that even more.

I think one of the reasons they didn't like him in the homes, was that most of the mentally disabled were not able to really speak to the staff about things properly, or stand up for themselves, and many of them were on heavy medications to somewhat sedate them. He would tell on some of the workers when they were being abusive to the clients, yelling and screaming at them are using bad language. They really really did not like that.

I will tell you how I managed to keep him in my home when he was a child... although unfortunately, when he turned 18, he took his freedom and threw out all of the things that were helping him. He had had so many interventions when he was in his teens and as a child, I think he just wanted to go Bea it like everyone else and not have any medications or any type of help - he sort of cut off his own head, in that regard. Now he is regretting it, and is worse off than ever before.

My son’s behavior problems got really bad once he hit puberty. With any mental or neurological issue that can affect behavior/emotions, puberty puts everything in high gear. He became much more aggressive and much more difficult to manage. Eventually this caused him to land in the youth mental hospital. This is where finally, after the second stay there, a psychiatrist gave have a medication that was miraculous for improving his issues. This medication is called oxcarbazapine, also known as Trileptal. It is not a stimulant, it is not a sedative. It is a medication that was originally used for seizure disorders. It has been discovered that this type of medication can really help people with autism, because they do have some scattered brain waves that need organizing. We also put him on 5 mg of abilify, which helped some of the slight irritation that he felt being on the medication. It was a good combination.

The change was dramatic, he began to become verbal, and was able to express himself, instead of using behaviors that were inappropriate or violent to show how he felt. He began to have much more of a social life also, now that he could communicate with others so much more easily. Of course he still had an autistic brain and some autistic black & white thinking to deal with, it wasn't like it took away all his autism, but it took away some of the things that made it so much harder for him to function in life. He did not go back on the medications when he went into the group homes, but being on the medications for a couple years when younger, seemed to have helped him at least somewhat, to adjust his own behaviors. I still believe that he needs the medications, but in California, unless they are institutionalized or court ordered, you can't really get an adult to do anything they don't want to. He has always been oppositional and defiant toward me as his caretaker, which is one of his disorders, so it has been really difficult helping him with those things. He will be 28 this year, and he hangs around a lot of other adults, which has helped him a little bit to learn to be not quite so immature.

Anyways, each case is different, and before you put your child with strangers who really don't care about him, and who he is not familiar with and probably won't feel comfortable around, I would definitely try to find a behavior therapist that is willing to let you try psychiatry before you hand him over to the state programs. I don't believe there is anyone that even knows how much this medication helps autistic people with issues, and it might even help him to become verbal. Being verbal is a huge help, because it takes away a lot of the other coping mechanisms that they use that are so disruptive. They just want you to know how they feel, and they can do very inappropriate or disturbing things to get that across, if they can't use words.

I have an adult child who is 23 years old that was born at 23 weeks and was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and she has processing issues in addition to some health problems. I had thought about putting her in a group home when she was a teenager. However, I waited until she graduated from high school and the department of disability put her on four waivers and she ended up getting an apartment with two other like her.

I had visited some group homes, but they were mostly for mentally retarded individuals and it really wasn’t a space that would be good for her. Where I live they don’t have a lot of group homes so it’s very limited. Medicaid has a website you can look up by county the vacancies in each group home.

The department of disability and Social Security disability has helped her tremendously even with getting a job and job coaching and assistance with paying things and all the other life skills. Since her father has passed she also gets part of his SSDI.

I don’t think that it’s always horrible. There are many good ones but you have to look for them and visit them and ask the staff lots of questions. The staff at good group homes will be happy to answer your questions. If any staff member refuses to answer, you’ll probably want to consider that sort of avoidance to be a red flag. It might take a while to find the right group home for your son, but it’s worth waiting. And, while you’re waiting, you might want to try to find respite care for your son. You really need a break. Eight years of caring for a severely disabled child by yourself is a lot. You need to take care of you, too. Best wishes to you, and I hope that you find the help that you need for your son.

If you find the right home, such a placement can be the right thing for both you and your child.

My cousin Suzy was brain damaged after a high fever early in childhood (this was long ago when the dangers weren't as well understood). Emotionally, she never matured beyond about age 8. Her mother loved caring for her and thought of her as a companion, rather than a burden.

Suzy's parents never considered having her live anywhere but with them. That is, until Suzy turned 60 and they started to think about what would happen to her when they died (they were in their 80s).

They found a home that Suzy liked and she moved there. It was a home for adults with disabilities where they supported them to be as independent as possible.

Suzy thrived in her new environment. She loved her new job folding boxes at a nearby factory. She never wanted to miss even a single day of work, not even to visit her parents over the holidays. She made friends and experienced more independence living in the home than she ever did living with her parents.

Sadly, Suzy contracted pneumonia and passed away when she was 65. Some people asked her parents if they regretted putting Suzy in the home, since she probably wouldnt have gotten sick if she was still at home. They said no. They had only ever wanted what was best for their daughter and she was happier than they had ever seen her living there, with her job and her friends. If anything, they wished they'd made the decision sooner so she would have had more happy years.

Short answer, not they are not always horrible but you really have to do your research. I worked for the state social services for 30 years. There should be a state agency set up to provide parents with respite care. My team did come across parents who were in the same situation you are in, they were just exhausted. The state provided respite care for them, either through a person coming into the home or the child being temporarily placed into a group home or state facility. (Usually group homes now as state facilities are being closed in most states) Call your states social services and see what can be done. Best of luck to you and please get the help you deserve.

I feel for you, I don't have to do what you do all day and my hat is off to you for doing it.

I have one possible option though before you look into group homes. I used to live next door to a respite care home. They took developmentally challenged children and adults in for care for a week or two at a time to give their caregivers a break.

The home was awesome. The residents had a blast playing, had set schedules that seemed to suit them, and always smiled as they headed out or came home from their trips. The caregivers who worked there were pleasant, friendly, and extremely professional.

Our dogs loved that house. When the residents played ball in the backyard, they'd sit for hours because the residents always managed to hit the ball over the fence so the dogs would get to play. At least until we realised and took it off the dogs to throw it back over the fence.

So I'd suggest seeing if you can find somewhere for respite care as a first step. You may find that gives you the rest you need. If that works you can then figure out how you feel about a more permanent option. But the respite care gives you the break you need to find out how you feel about a more permanent option without commiting to it.

My aunt and uncle put their first child into a group home which was like a boarding school. The child was at home for holidays with the rest of the family. This continued until about the age of 15 when the home/school closed down.
It might be that organising proper, regular respite care might be the difference you need. Is it possible to have someone come each morning to be repsonsible for getting him ready for school and for him to attend afterschool care so you have more time each day to yourself?
Whether your son continues to live with you full time or not he will always be your son, it isn’t something you just move on from. Definitely reach out and find out what options are available in your area. I have friends who foster children both short and long term so it will be a case of finding the right people to talk with.