You try so hard to not be self centered you even see a therapist?

Oh, sweet summer child. You never had anyone to explain the realities of life, did you?

Hell with judgin harshly, hon. You are not being nearly self centered enough.

We were ‘lucky’. We were ‘lucky’ because when my nesting partner became disabled, we could call my parents, my mother having been disabled for nearly 20 years at that point, and ask for advice.

The first thing they told us? 9 out of 10 marriages end after one spouse becomes disabled or chronically ill.

There are harder things in this life than being married to someone who is chronically ill. But few things in the world today do as good a job of grinding you up until there is nothing left.

I wrote this a few years ago. It’s my distillation of what I’ve learned being in a relationship with a chronically ill person who needed me to be their caretaker as well as spouse:

Jess (Burde) Mahler's answer to How can mono / poly couples successfully deal with the issue of grudging consent, since one person is polyamorous and one is monogamous?

Yeah, I know, the question doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with disability. Trust me, it’s relevant.

Yeah. I can relate. God, can I related.

Listen to me.

You need to take care of yourself.

And I don’t mean just feeding yourself and getting enough sleep (that too, though! Please make sure you get enough sleep! And eat healthy. And hydrate!)

I mean your emotional needs, your social needs.

You need friends. YOu need nights out with drinks and laughter and entertainment. You need evenings curled up in a hot bath with a good book and relaxing music. You need time sitting out in the sun where you can just doze and forget everything for a while. You need hobbies or career goals or things you do for *you* because you deserve to have things that you enjoy and love and just fucking because.

There’s more I want to say, but I’m cutting myself short because I deserve a full night’s sleep too, and I’m going to make sure I get one, even after a day like today has been.

If I remember I’ll come back tomorrow or the next day.

But regardless.

You are not alone. There are lots of us going through the same thing you are. We understand.

Now start being selfish, damn it!