I used to live at the far end of a quiet cul-de-sac, where the neighbours were pretty good. I had a job, driving a mini bus, that involved me travelling to airports at random times of the day and night to collect/deliver holidaymakers.

One of the bungalows opposite me came up for sale and an oldish woman with 2 dogs moved in and almost immediately started complaining about my minibus being parked outside my house and blocking access to the end of the cul-de-sac, which seemed a little strange as my house WAS the last house, so I pretty much ignored her.

She then managed to get herself on the Parish Council, where she mentioned me a few times, sadly for her, I had several friends (including a work colleague) on the council, who kept me informed.

I was told the she had spoken to the local community plod (police officer) about my van and warned that I should expect a visit. Sadly, I missed his first visit, so he left a card for me, asking me to call him as the local Fire Service had complained about my mini bus impeding their access in the event of a fire. I rang my cousin, who was a fireman at the local station and asked him about it and he said to hang on while he spoke to the Chief Fire Officer (CFO). The CFO then came on the phone and told me that they had not made a complaint and also that he was “not happy” about the local plod saying that he had.

I called PC Plod and arranged for him to call the next afternoon. The following day he arrived and I asked him about the Fire Service complaint and he confirmed that they had made the complaint. I got my phone and rang the CFO, then handed the phone to PC Plod, telling him that someone wanted a word with him, he took the phone, gave his name and number and then went very quiet and somewhat pale as the CFO tore a strip off him and threatened to report him to his Inspector. I heard no more about that.

Because I had to be up and about at all hours, I went to bed early-ish when necessary. One night I was in bed when her “boyfriend” started mowing the lawn, at 10 pm. I got up, dressed and went to have words with him. He said that I made a noise early in the morning so he was going to mow the lawn. At this point, 2 of my neighbours, both with young children, came out and asked him what the f*ck he was playing at and telling him exactly what would happen to him if he started the lawnmower up again.

The final straw was that when she noticed that my bedroom curtains were shut, she would let her dogs out onto the drive, where they would just sit and bark. It drove me crazy, until one night (well after 10 pm) the dogs were in the drive barking and I couldn’t get to sleep,so I got dressed and went over and knocked on her door.

She answered the door and I asked her if she minded taking the dogs in as I was trying to sleep and there were neighbours with small children, in nearby houses. With a smug look on her face she said that it wasn’t her fault that they were barking. At this point, all my restraint fell away, I nodded and said that it was not really surprising that they barked under the circumstances. She asked me what I meant and I said that dogs were very sensitive to spirits and informed her that an elderly man and his son used to live there before her. I then told her that the father had died in bed in the front bedroom and the son had hung himself in the garage (both true). She went a bit pale and took the dogs inside. The following week a For Sale board went up and a couple of months later she moved out.

As I read this back, I feel slightly ashamed of myself, but I can only take so much.

Edit 06.08.19.

Last night, I remembered something else that she did. I had a conifer in my front garden that was close to the footpath and (admittedly) overhung it a bit. So she reported me to the council. A jobsworth from the council came to the house and said that “someone” had reported that my tree was overhanging and that it could be a danger to passersby. He looked at it and said that he would be back in a couple of days to ensure that it had been trimmed. I pointed out that mine was the last house in a cul-de-sac and therefore there were NO passersby, but he was adamant that it needed trimming. I asked him to wait a minute, went into the garage and came out with my chainsaw. I went to the tree and, starting at the bottom at the property line, I cut up as high as I could go, which was well above head height. He stood there gaping and I told him that there was no need to come back as it was no longer a danger to his imaginary passersby, adding that I was sure that if there were any further problems, that the old bat over the road would let him know.

A couple of days later a mate and I cut the tree down, which I’d always intended to do.