I rarely partake in passive-aggressive behavior as I prefer to be direct and not beat around the bush. But . . .

I once had this guy subletting a room at my place. I didn’t want him in my house, but my roommate assured me he was on the up and up after finding him on Craigslist and a 5 minute interview. This guy was a vagrant, a militant vegan, and had some of the poorest hygiene out of anyone I’ve ever met. Alas, he had cold hard cash in hand and we were in a tight spot regarding rent. Initially, he seemed like a cool guy. He was a good conversationalist, had really incredible stories (although he embellished-a lot), and seemed very friendly. About a week in, the problems started. My original roommate (B) was bi-polar, I could calm him down in the event of a session of mania but all bets were off if he had some drink in him. The new guy (A) did something to set my roommate off-B claimed to have found meth on the bathroom sink and immediately blamed A. The rule in the house was that any evidence of hard drugs were cause for immediate eviction-something we should’ve gotten in writing in retrospect. TL;DR, the police showed up-to my disapproval-to sort this out. We had no grounds to kick A out based on the circumstantial evidence, we had to formally evict A through court. B ended up leaving after a couple more arguments ensued and never came back.

So I was stuck with this strange guy in my house. He never showered-causing the whole house to reek of BO, he monopolized my TV and Netflix, and he made weird noises at night all the time. The next month, he was 2 weeks late with rent, but according to AZ law I still had to formally evict him-which I had neither the time or money to do. Law be damned, one night I had enough and told him it wasn’t working out and it would be in the best interest in both of us for him to find a new place at the end of the month. He freaked out and said not only did I have to evict him, he wasn’t going to pay his share of bills either. At this point, the passive aggressiveness in me started to come out. I started hiding my TV remotes because of the said monopolization and he was watching some extremely nauseating YouTube shows for hours on end of things nobody but him would be interested in. So he started watching it on his phone-still soaking up my WiFi. I changed the the name to “PAYYOURBILLSASSHOLE” and the password. He retaliated by punching holes in the wall and being more obnoxious with his weird noises. He even went so far as to accuse me of stealing $400 he set aside to move out and catch a Greyhound home.

Then, one day I came home from work to find he was gone and his key on a sticky note on the kitchen counter. Unfortunately my laptop, Wii, bass guitar, and Ruger .45 with ammo and cleaning kit-which were locked away in my room, went with him. Again I had deal with the police to report my weapon, and big surprise-they never found my belongings or him. Eventually I came to the justification that it was just stuff and I was more happy with him gone. He didn’t take my PS3 right next to the Wii, I ended up getting an infinitely better bass guitar through an endorsement (Brandin guitars are the best ever BTW), bought a better laptop, and replaced the firearm-but I’ll never, ever have to put up that cretin ever again and have never had a roommate since.