I have a couple from other people, if I remember any of my own I’ll add them in an edit.

The first was from my stepdad - he was a young-ish professional and had gone to do some contract work at a new company. He was managing a project and needed to get on board with the team. When he met one of them and introduced himself, his new colleague totally blanked him. When my stepdad inquired as to why this was, the man responded with the following gem:

“I’m sorry, I don't associate with people with beards.”

To which my stepdad replied:

“That’s quite alright, because I don’t associate with bigots.”

Later on my stepdad organised a meeting for the whole team as a way of introducing himself and finding out more about them. He discovered that the beard-hater’s surname was Smythe, which in the UK can sometimes be pronounced in two ways. During the meeting, he went through the list of people in attendance. When he got to Mr. Smythe, he lingered over the name for a moment and asked:

“So, Smythe… Is that pronounced ‘Smith’ as in ‘shit’ or ‘Smythe’ as in ‘shite’?”

Apparently that raised quite a few laughs!

The second was from a colleague that I worked in retail with. If you've ever worked in retail, you'll know that customers can sometimes be unbelievably rude and treat staff like they're sub-human. Well, this person was no exception.

A customer who was stood on the other side of the store whistled at my colleague to get his attention. He then proceeded to snap his fingers repeatedly and shout “Uh, hello?!” derisively while he continued to whistle at him.

It’s also worth mentioning that my colleague was working for a ‘store within a store’ and had absolutely no way of being able to sell or really assist with the product that the customer was standing next to.

Without missing a beat, my co-worker got down on all fours (he’s over six feet tall & heavily tattooed) and proceeded to crawl all the way across the store on his hands and knees until he got to the customer. When the customer asked what on earth he was doing, he simply said:

“Well, if you're going to treat me like a dog then I might as well act like one.”

Point well made, the customer was quite embarrassed.