I have a few small, funny stories
1: The Tattle-Tale
After ending things with a guy, he kept telling me he wanted to meet up and talk again, but I wasn’t feeling it, so I told him to give me a few days and then we could talk. He ignored that, and continued to send me hundreds of messages, and got increasingly more and more angry. Finally, annoyed, I blocked his number and all his social media accounts.
When I went into work the next day, my manager pulled me aside and showed me an email on her phone.
“This is that guy you’re dating, right?” She handed me her phone.
It started innocently enough, him asking if I was okay, saying I wouldn’t answer him and he was worried, asking when I worked so he could come in to talk since my phone was clearly broken, and then turning slightly more panicked, as he promised not to tell me whatever she said, but did I have another boyfriend? Was I seeing someone else? And, again, when did I work? Just so he could bring some of my stuff back, of course. They devolved into furious messages that basically said I was a shitty person for dumping him after his dad died (months earlier) and that I didn’t deserve to have a job and I should be fired immediately.
(he has since apologized, but how do you forgive someone trying to sabotage your career?)
2: The Forgiven (?)
Not a real ex, since we kept it very casual, but still worth mentioning.
I met this guy on Tinder, which should’ve tipped me off it wouldn’t work. He was about ten years older than me, and had a son, but told me his wife had died two years ago. He said he wasn’t looking for anything serious since he had to focus on his kid, but he still wanted to spend time with me.
I’m sure it’s clear where this is headed.
Things were going great—until his wife called me and asked why he had a bunch of pictures of me on his phone. I didn’t have a good answer for that, so I hung up, blocked them both and refused to involve myself in their issues. I felt for the woman, but I had no clue she was even alive and I didn’t want to be responsible for someone elses marriage.
A few weeks later, I was home from work when someone knocked on my door.
I was surprised to find him there, since he had stopped trying to call me just a few days after everything went down.
“What do you want?”
“I’m here to apologize,” he said. He seemed sincere, but he’d also seemed sincere when he told me his wife had died, so I clearly couldn’t trust my own instincts when it came to this man. “I feel really bad about what I did.”
I didn’t reply and kept the door wedged shut between us.
And then he launched into a fifteen minute spiel about how he had found God, he was born-again, and his past self had made mistakes that he didn’t condone, but it was okay if I still couldn’t forgive him, because he’d already talked to God and He had forgiven him.
Ooookay.
A few months later he texted me from a new number and told me his wife had left him and he wanted to sleep with me again. Mama aint raise no fool, so I sent his wife the message and sure enough—she was still his wife.
3: The Stone Cold Killer
This one is interesting, because I guess this is more weird than funny.
I dated the same guy from around 10–16. He was a few years older, weird as hell, and abusive during our relationship in a lot of ways.
Besides that, he was also just crazy. When we finally broke up, he started posting online all the sexual acts we had done together…that was weird for two reasons.
- he thought this made me look bad, but if he was doing those “weird” sex acts with me, I wasn’t the only weird one. And, no one likes a dude that posts about his ex’s kinks.
- like I said before, he was a few years older when we were sleeping together. He was 19 when I was 15, so he was basically admitting to banging an underage girl.
I ended up calling his grandma and telling her what he was doing. I can still remember the way she screamed his name across the house while we were still on the phone. I heard him yell something indiscernible, and into the phone, she said, super sweet, “It’s okay, honey, I’ll deal with it.” Right before the call ended, I heard her shout: “I’m going to kick your scrawny ass.”
4: The Moocher
This is a short one. I dated a guy in the Air Force who, when we first started seeing each other, told me a lot of guys get married just so they can move off base, even if they don’t like the girl that much. He still lived on base, and would have to for a few more years. A month later, he asked me to marry him. I said no, dumped him, and he proceeded to continue to periodically message me for a few weeks and ask if maybe I was looking for a husband yet?
Not yet, dude.