I hijacked my roommate’s internet connection.

Back when I was in college there wasn’t really any broadband. We used 56.6k dial up connections to access the internet. Now my roommate Cruchkov would monopolize that damned connection for hours on end. We only had the one phone for four of us and we would pick it up any time of the day or night and hear bleeep blop beeboo beeboo. All the time. It got to the point where we couldn’t even order a pizza. “Hey Dave you want pepperoni?” “Sure Corey” “Okay I’ll ca… bleeep blop beeboo beeboo.” “DAMNIT CHRUCHKOV”. We would bang on his door but he would either not hear us or pretend not to hear us.

So I hatched a plan.

I waited until he left for work one day. Then, armed with some s%^t I bought at Radio Shack back when they sold stuff that wasn’t cell phones, I walked into his room. I unscrewed his phone jack and connected a 5v relay to the line. COM/NO went to the phone, the coil went to the other two (unused) wires. Then I buried the whole thing back in the wall and made it look good as new. I hid a 9v battery inside the kitchen phone and connected it to the ringer switch and my secret wires.

Chruchkov comes home that evening, slams the door. Thirty seconds later it’s bleeep blop beeboo beeboo. “Hey Dave, you want pizza?” “But Chruchkov is on the…” “I got this, man.” I flip my switch, his phone turns off. But only his phone. The sound of him kicking and cursing at his computer remains one of the most passive aggressively satisfying moments of my life.