This is very likely not the most passive-aggressive thing I've done but one of the most satisfying:

When I moved to Australia my first job was teaching for a term in a pretty rough and dysfunctional school. (By dysfunctional I mean the principal was absolutely hopeless and some teachers had been there years, having formed tight little cliques. They were barely going through the motions of teaching, knowing they were too hopeless to get a job elsewhere but they had permancy there so the principal couldn't get rid of them and no-one would take their job even if he wanted to)

On the 2nd day there I saw a coffee pod machine in the staffroom. Not a Nespresso machine, just one of the really cheap rip-offs. I mean really cheap: at the time they were $49.99 in the supermarket. By comparison, the cheapest Nespresso machine was $400.

I remarked about the machine to one of the other teachers, telling him how in my previous school we had them (Nespresso machines though) and I commented how easy & convenient these machines are. He agreed and so I asked him about what pods are used. He told me the type of pods I needed to buy, which supermarket sold them and which brand & strength he prefers and recommends.

That evening after work I go buy myself a stack of pods and over the following weeks I treat myself to a daily coffee, courtesy of the marvellous $49.99 pod machine. I would leave my boxes of coffee pods in a drawer under the machine and I noticed quite often someone had helped themselves to one. I don't say anything: they only cost 40c or so. It's not worth getting all uptight and upset over someone's 'stealing' 40c worth of coffee from me.

6 weeks later, after having used the machine daily (usually twice daily) without anyone saying a word to me, I approach the machine for my daily caffeine fix and find a note stuck on it:

"This machine is for the EXCLUSIVE use of FULLY paid up members of the Coffee Club ONLY" ('exclusive', 'fully' and ‘only’ all uppercased, bolded and underlined)

Not only am I confronted by this mystifying note but my pods are missing! (Umm…coffee pods that is, not my actual pods in case you're wondering).

I head back to my office perplexed to find my pods sitting on my desk. My head of department (HOD) comes in and gravely informs me that my constant use of the machine has really upset 3 of the other teachers. Apparently the three had all chipped in to buy the machine for their own private use and had all been so very upset I had been using it without permission these past few weeks. But they hadn't wanted to tell me because they didn't want to make any sort of drama or fuss. The poor dears.

Here's the weird bit.

The three ‘members of the coffee club’:

#1 was the PE teacher and he was an ultra aggressive asshole who swore like a drunken sailor at everyone, including the students. The idea that he felt too shy to tell me not to use the machine was bizarre, to say the least.

#2 was the bloke whose desk was right next to mine in the office and, I thought at least, that we got on very well. Often, when I was getting myself a coffee, I would offer to make one for him (using my own pods - again I mean coffee pods. Get your minds out of the gutter) and more often than not he would happily agree and thank me. Again: bizarre that, after 6 weeks of convival work relationship and me often getting a coffee for him, he felt compelled to write a note to me to tell me to stop doing so.

#3 is even more bizarre: he was the teacher I first talked to about the machine and who told me where to buy the pods from! Don't get me wrong: had #3 right at the start told me it was a private machine and they didn't want anyone using it, I would've been fine with that. But he told me where to buy the pods from and which ones I should buy. Surely thats an invitation to use the machine?! WTF. Can anyone explain this?

It gets worse: my HOD tells me that the coffee club triumvirate have magnanimously decided to let me join their exclusive club for a very reasonable $30.

Two points to consider here: the machine, as I wrote above, retails brand new for $50 and I was only teaching there until the end of term, less than 2 weeks away.

I also wish to point out that each of those teachers were earning $100,000 /year: together they were getting $300,000/year. Yet they forbade anyone from using their precious $50 machine and expected me to pay them $30 - almost the cost of a brand new machine - just for the privilege of using it for 8 more working days. smh.

I apologised to HOD for my ignorance and rudeness, and respectively declined their kind offer of joining their merry little club.

There I was, less than 2 weeks before the end of term, with a box of coffee pods I was now no longer able to use. I first thought of creating a scene by getting up to speak at the end of term meeting the following Thursday and profusely apologising for my crass use of their beloved machine, going on at length about how I really did not realise how precious and important this machine was to them before offering them the unused pods, along with a few more boxes as way of further apology and maybe a snide remark of knowing which ones they liked based on which ones had gone missing from the boxes I had bought. Pretty passive-aggressive but I'm not outgoing or chutzpah enough to pull such a stunt off.

My next thought was to join their club, pay the money, then abuse the shit out of the machine until it broke. But that seemed like too much hard work and I figured they might cotton on to what I was doing and hide the machine.

So I was stuck as to what to do.

Then I thought of the most marvellous passive-aggressive action!

On the last day of term, during the lunch break I went to the supermarket and bought an identical coffee machine along with several boxes of coffee pods. I came back to school and in the classtime after lunch (luckily I had a free lesson), installed it in the staffroom next to the triumvirate machine with the following message above it:

“This machine is for the EXCLUSIVE use of anyone who is NOT A MEMBER of any existing Coffee Club.” (relevant words bolded, capitalised and underlined).

I put all the pods into a large bowl next to my machine and put a note above the bowl which read:

“Free for anyone who is NOT A MEMBER of any existing Coffee Club.”

I then made myself a coffee and went back to the office. The member of the triumvirate who sat next to me looked at me quizzically briefly but didn't say a word. One of the best cups of coffee I've had.