“why are you never there for me?”

mind you at this point. he was living at my house I was feeding him and putting him through school. this lovely comment came 4 days after my service dog died. I was actually for once focusing on me and trying to live through the pain. when I refuse to go to go watch a surf competition with him. truth be told I only wanted to stay in bed and grieve. I knew if we headed to the beach everybody would ask why my dog wasnt with me. but he did his little narc tantrum and I gave him. after suffering for a good 3 hours by trying to answer people about my lack of service dog without falling apart, I finely found refuge at my friend spot on the beach and hid away. only to have him rant at me in the evening that I didnt care about him why was I not actively watching the surfers and why did i not care about what he like and the reason he wasnt part of competition was because of me. apparently I learn that night that never let him practice. so now he wasnt good enough.

I remember listening to all this and trying to reassure him that no I loved him and I was trying to be there for him and that I was sorry. fuck the number of time I said I was sorry make me sick.

I think the second would be him making me apologize for looking at his phone and finding out he was cheating on me. he some how manage to make me beg for forgiveness even though I had just found out HE WAS CHEATING on me. It make me sad to think of the emotional state I was in. that I couldnt even think of standing up to myself and saying fuck you get out of my house.

I think the third would be of him forcing food in my mouth while I was sleeping and super sick and telling me ‘’you have to eat because I cooked it’’ I have to say at that point I was too sick to realize I would suffer the consequences of not eating the food. my fever was so high I couldnt even chew so I just spid it out and fell back asleep he tried a couple time. then wouldnt speak to me for 2 days.

the list could go on and on.