To Whom it May Concern!

Dear friends, family and peers,

This post is meant to briefly outline who I (really) am, the changes I am making and how I aim to move forward in my life.

It should also be taken, by those who read it (specifically introverts), and used as motivation to write something similar; something that can be shared as an explanation for ‘why you’ve changed so much’ or, rather, ‘why you are no longer the sweet, quiet person you used to be; the one who shut up and just did as they were told’.

It’s not that I’ve changed or that I’ve just been purposefully deceptive this whole time; lying about who I am. As will become clear, I have simply been neglecting my own personal identity in favour of being well-received by everyone else for FAR too long.

I would constantly decide against ‘this’ or ‘that’, thinking about everyone but myself.

I would constantly keep my opinions, beliefs and desires hidden, lest same encouraged abusive remarks from those who encountered them.

I would constantly refrain from posting on social media, convinced that I had nothing worthwhile to share, nothing intelligent to say or nothing that anyone would give two fucks about.

Even right now, writing this, is a source of anxiety for me… as fear, shame and doubt whisper into my ear, telling me to stop, turn back and not embarrass myself.

But what do I want? What would make me happy? Why could I never just say ‘fuck it’ and do it!? Why could I not just get it done?

I have come to the realisation that I have been sustaining a toxic existence, which is not fair to anyone; to either you or myself.

From this moment forward, I strive to be as upfront and honest as possible, even if same results in conflict, confrontation or humiliation. This is better than the alternative, and living with the constant internal torment of the ‘should’ve’s, could’ve’s and would’ve’s’.

I think I’d much rather regret the things I did than all the things I didn’t do… and I’ve already racked up a shit-load of regrets regarding situations in which I wanted to do something, but then completely overthought myself out of doing it; caring more about all the potential people I would be pissing off in the process, instead of what would be best for me.

It’s about time I started doing those things, for me, and dealing as best I can with any unintended consequences of my actions. I hope that, by being as authentic and vulnerable as possible, others may follow in my footsteps and realise that doing that which scares us is not as bad as we make it out to be in our heads.

It is in the above spirit that I have written this post. It is about time you knew some crucial aspects regarding my identity, which is subject to change as I am presented with new information as well as grow and mature further.

I have thought long and hard about myself, about what I want and where I am going… so it would take something quite drastic to topple or completely alter my current beliefs, opinions, thoughts, attitudes, feelings, values, preferences and interests.

As always, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time (as is your prerogative, too).

I will also do my best to update this post from time to time, so as to accurately reflect any changes.

Alternatively, I will simply link to other pieces I write in the future, which will serve the same purpose.

I honestly don’t care anymore! Perfect or no, I’m just going to hit ‘send’. Regardless of whether someone might take offence or think poorly of me, I’m just going to say it anyway. It’s time I stopped overthinking shit.

Easier said than done, I suppose.

Also, I’m aware that saying “I don’t give a fuck” seems to scream that I actually still do care. However, this is the first step, and hopefully it inspires others like me to do the same.

Hopefully this post inspires you to take action in your own life, regarding something you’ve wanted to say or do; hopefully, if you’ve been living for other people, you can start living for yourself… even if it means you lose friends or upset people in the process.

I really don’t give a fuck anymore - at least not in the same way I previously did. I care about people - I really do - especially those victimised via a combination of general complaisance and succumbing to the demands of toxic relationships.

I sincerely want to help others overcome the many obstacles I, too, have faced.

However:

• Some relationships are damaged beyond repair;
• Some differences are irreconcilable;
• Some environments are dangerously toxic; and
• Some people are not worth our time & sanity.

I wish to invest in those who commit to investing in themselves.

I wish to surround myself with those who are supportive, inspirational and share similar values, ethics and beliefs.

It’s not about consigning ourselves to an echo chamber and deliberately engaging in confirmation bias.

I don’t mind having conversations with those with whom I thoroughly disagree, or those with whom I am utterly incompatible, but I do have limits and boundaries with regards the company I am willing to endure.

I believe it is important to be firm and unwavering with ourselves on what we are willing to tolerate - especially to protect our mental health - and should certainly not force ourselves to keep and/or foster relationships or spend time dealing with people who are annoying, frustrating, bring out the worst in us and/or drain our energy every time we’re around them.

We each ought to work on ourselves, become self-aware enough to know what we need and then find our tribe (an environment within which everyone involved is able to learn and grow).

Things change, shit happens, people come & go and life moves on.

…

P.S. I will not be watching my language! My language is English. If this offends your delicate sensibilities, then please… kindly fuck off. Thanks :)

P.P.S. I have written a more, um, ‘passionate’ version of this post on my blog.

It All Comes Down to This!

The way I see myself right now:

• I am an introvert, not your doormat - I am not the best at verbal communication, so I try to express myself in writing as effectively as possible. I still struggle to articulate myself, but it’s way better for me than having to suffer the pressure of in-person discussions. It is because of this that I no longer tolerate being bullied into a position simply because the other person thinks quicker on their feet than I. I will now remove myself from these situations and kindly request that, if what we were talking about was important enough, we continue the discussion via email. [P.S. If you are interested in personal development and self-help, please consider joining The Public Server as we unpack and debunk the status quo dogma responsible for our self-esteem issues, doubt, guilt and shame (amongst others).]
• I am gay (LGBTQ) and an ally to the rest of the community - the status quo is heteronormative. I believe that, although most of civilised society is now supportive of LGBTQ+, the world is still stuck in this mentality of assuming people are cisgender and heterosexual; that everyone is straight until proven gay. This seems, in and of itself, to be harmless, yet far too many people (especially adolescents) are made to feel ashamed of themselves for not ‘being normal’ or for not conforming to the status quo. I believe more responsibility should be placed on parents and educators to foster a safe environment; one in which openness and honesty is encouraged amongst children in their care... not to single them out and discriminate against them, but to show them that authenticity will be met positively. In other words, parents and teachers ought to bring up topics around LGBTQ more often; to indicate to those still in the closet, that they will be loved and supported by their loved ones, no matter what, when they decide to come out. Greater vigilance and disciplinary measures should also be implemented, to ensure that those who bully others on the basis of race, gender, sexual orientation, identity, ability, etc. understand that such behaviour will not be tolerated and those at fault will be punished as a result. We should not pretend that these problems don’t exist, and shy away from difficult conversations, because something as simple as being vocal about this topic could end up saving someone’s life.
• I am atheist and a sceptic - I cannot stress this enough, but I honestly do not care if god and religion provides people solace in life. If it takes antiquated dogma based on faulty reasoning, supported by a disgraceful lack of evidence, to get someone through the day… then I feel very, very sorry for them. Additionally, if one’s ‘faith’ was kept to themselves, it might not be an issue necessitating a vocal community of atheists. However, because joining one of many widely-accepted cults, and sucking the cock of one of many mysterious entities living in the clouds, is the status quo - infecting almost every facet of civilised society, even to this day (something I find truly pathetic in the twenty-first century) - it is imperative that we do whatever it takes to eradicate this toxic, dangerous, morally bankrupt, irrational, unreasonable and antiquated mindset that most people are desperate to hold onto. The time to believe something is when it has been sufficiently demonstrated. Not only has the supernatural nonsense of religion - particularly that of Christianity, Islam & Judaism - been categorically obliterated in the presence of scientific enquiry, its claims are so ludicrously improbable, they borderline on the impossible. The burden of proof rests on the party making an assertion; so, until such time as theists have discharged their burden, we ought to live our lives as though what they believe is complete and utter bullshit (spoiler: because it is!). Just like theists most likely dismiss the existence of unicorns, pixies or the Giant Spaghetti Monster (as rightly they should, sans proof), atheists are perfectly justified in treating religious dogma & the god-concept with the derision, incredulity and disrespect it deserves.
• I am vegan… for the fucking animals - veganism is NOT a diet or anything else unrelated to the animal rights movement. Carnism & speciesism may be the status quo, but there is absolutely no excuse sufficient to justify the use, subjugation, exploitation, commodification, rape, mutilation, torture, genetic manipulation, murder etc. of sentient beings. Specifically, those of society who believe it is acceptable/justifiable to eat animals (or animal-derived products), wear their skin, use them for labour, experiment on them and force them to entertain us are not only not vegan, they are actively anti-vegan. I have no space in my life for anti-vegans, and limited room for non-vegans who don’t take the animal holocaust seriously enough to urgently change their purchasing behaviour. I have written extensively about veganism already, so I shan't elaborate more on same here.
• I am liberal, but not anti-capitalist/anti-democracy - with regards my political stance. However, I completely disagree with political extremism. Being ‘far-left’ or ‘far-right’ is absolutely ridiculous, in my honest opinion. I prefer to assess each individual political and social issue on its own merits and reach conclusions based on reason, rationality and a factual understanding of reality. Generally, I don’t like discussing politics, but I may express an opinion regarding certain political/economic issues. I, nevertheless, do believe that there are major problems within capitalism as it is currently structured (particularly related to corporate power dynamics - designed to discriminate against and disadvantage employees in relation to their employers - greed, corruption and the prevalence of toxic workplace cultures in society). We have become too tolerant of traditional employment, despite the fact that it is highly exploitative and far too many people are being taken advantage of because of it. Left with no other option, the vast majority of employees literally become slaves to the wage. I know this makes me sound like an anarchist or marxist (if I understand these concepts correctly), but I truly believe we can achieve fairness within a capitalistic or mixed-economic system. That being said, if this is not possible, then we ought to work towards dismantling capitalism in favour of a more fair system; one where citizens still have the freedom to pursue wealth (if they so desire) without being exploited/exploitative in the process. In conclusion, then, the major problems we need to address are: unfair labour practices, corruption, corporate greed and oppressive/toxic workplace power dynamics (which seem to be baked into traditional employment).

I Do Not Live in an Echo Chamber!

But some things are so obviously true, consistent with reality, based in sound logic, reasoned into conclusively and supported by such an overwhelming quantity of reliable evidence… that, to deny these things or waste our time looking for - or consider, with any degree of seriousness - alternative assertions, opposing viewpoints, unfalsifiable claims or mere anecdotes supported by little (if any) good evidence, is to be intellectually dishonest.

There are some things which I have spent such a considerable portion of my time considering, researching, analysing, reflecting on, collecting evidence for, subjecting to significant scrutiny and honestly attempting to discredit, that I now consider them to be verified, factual and true.

I now only spend my time on these subjects in an effort to educate others about them, or to determine whether any important developments have been made. If, on this journey of mine, I come across questions or material that I have never considered before (especially when same has the potential to sway my opinion or change my mind), I will make sure to do my due diligence and investigate these things further.

The above notwithstanding, I am always looking, listening and learning. Because, if you’re not growing, you’re dying.

However, please direct your attention to the list below, regarding just a few facts about reality which are conclusively undeniable, in respect of which I hold unwavering conviction and, the likelihood of them being false of such low probability, that we may safely consider same an impossibility:

1. There is No God (And Religion is a Fucking Joke)!

To briefly expand on what I have already stated above, there is no denying that ‘he who alleges must prove’. As it is in law, so it should be in life. Since theists are the one’s making the positive claim (i.e., that ‘God does, indeed, exist’), it is the theist who bears the burden of proof in this regard.

Thought about another way, we would never expect someone to believe - on your word alone - that there is an invisible universe-farting unicorn living in your garage (which, conveniently, only true-believers are able to see), let alone be required to prove that your extraordinary, supernatural claim is a false one! No, it is your responsibility to convince others of this ‘fact’ through the presentation of good evidence and sound reasoning.

If I visit and you tell me that you have a puppy sleeping in a room upstairs, there is nothing extraordinary or supernatural about this claim, so I should have no reason to doubt that what you tell me is true. I may request to see the dog, thus proving their existence, but this claim really has a negligible impact on my life. If I discover that you had lied about the dog, I would simply adjust the weight I place on your word in the future and/or consider you to be a dishonest person moving forward.

However, unicorns and gods are not only extraordinary and supernatural in nature, their existence would have a profound effect on me (and society as a whole). Extraordinary & supernatural claims are not to be taken lightly. Theists are correct in emphasising the importance of the existence of god/s, but their intellectual disconnect is exposed as soon as they conflate the significance of their claims with the truth thereof.

So, if you expect me to believe in your (very specific) god, worship it, live my life in accordance with its edicts and convince others of its veracity, then faith alone is, unfortunately, not good enough.

I would not be so presumptuous to claim, with unwavering conviction, that no gods exist… but the likelihood of your god being the one and only true god - never mind existing in the first place - is of such a low probability that we ought to live our lives as though there is no such god, until same is conclusively demonstrated. I mean, from a scientific and logical perspective, the chances of the Abrahamic God being true (as he exists in scripture and/or the minds of the majority of those who follow him) is so close to zero that it is at least equally probable that Zeus, Odin or any number of other gods believed throughout history is also the one and only true god.

If the absurdities, contradictions and inconsistencies that you’d have to accept in order to maintain faith in your very specific god escapes you, perhaps you need to dedicate a lot more of your time to investigating the topic at hand.

2. If You Aren’t Vegan, Then You Subscribe to Animal Abuse, And I Want Nothing to Do With You!

In order to be ‘civil’, I have been forced to keep quiet while you feast on the tortured flesh of someone whose life was taken far too soon, against their will and after (let’s be honest now) having endured a truly horrific existence.

I am forced to bite my tongue while you continue to purchase products of cruelty without a second thought (and not just regarding what you eat either, by the way).

No more!

Taste-pleasure doesn’t justify a holocaust, and a plant-based eating plan is ALWAYS healthier than eating animals (or the crap that comes out of their bodies).

Your trivial desires mean fuck-all when a victim is involved.

Your culture, religion & traditions are irrelevant and can burn in hell for all I care.

Eating animals is NOT a ‘personal choice’, your excuses are pathetic and, if you are not vegan, you’re an animal-abusing piece of shit!

3. There Is NO Honour in Remaining Silent if OUR Interests Will Be Impaired As A Result!

I have spent a great many years thinking that there is honour in remaining silent against the needs, wants, wishes, whims, desires, preferences and interests of those around me - believing that it is ‘wrong’ or ‘disrespectful’ to speak out or stand up for oneself - afraid of the conflict, confrontation or humiliation I would invite by having the audacity to express an opinion.

I realise now (much later than I would’ve preferred) that many of the major relationships I have entered into and invested in over the years have been built upon the shoddy foundations of my insecurities, guilt and fear of rejection… culminating in being gaslighted, often left emotionally/psychologically traumatised and sometimes even physically abused.

I don’t desire your pity, nor do I find the above particularly relevant outside of providing background and context. This has been my fault - my burden to bear - as I have allowed others to treat me as their personal doormat, while my needs, interests, preferences and desires got tossed aside as trivial and ‘stupid’.

This is me standing up for myself for once in my goddamn life and letting you all know that I am over living life on other people’s terms.

I will no longer cower in the corner before the perceived best interests of those around me at my personal expense.

I am done dealing with the toxic bullshit that attempts to make me feel like crap for not walking on eggshells around people in the exact manner they’d prefer.

4. Treating Decent People Like Pieces of Shit (Especially to Get What You Want) Makes You an Absolute Fucking Cunt!

Particularly when you gaslight kind-hearted people into believing they’re stupid, selfish or evil (when they’re clearly not) just so you can take further advantage of them and, sometimes literally, make them go insane from all your toxic bullshit.

This is true, no matter the relationship type - family member, friend, peer, colleague, employee/er, partner, spouse, parent, child, sibling, acquaintance or stranger etc; this world is difficult enough without someone going out of their way to make another person’s life even more miserable.

We should all do whatever is in our power to treat others with kindness, compassion, decency, respect and dignity. Obviously, there will be those times where our emotional tank is empty and we can’t be the ray of sunshine we aspire to be, but the most important thing is to become more self-aware and present, thus allowing us the opportunity to reflect, consider our actions and take something away from every interaction we may have.

We should also all become more assertive around those likely to take advantage of us. Again, this requires training our self-awareness to recognise when we are being manipulated and/or exploited. Sometimes we are too close to a problem, can become overwhelmed as a result and struggle to think of a clear way out of our personal predicament. In these cases, perhaps explain the situation to somebody very close to you in order to obtain a rational, unbiased perspective and brainstorm solutions.

I have found that the most common relationships, where such power imbalances exist, are between significant others and within the workplace (especially between employees & employers).

I will cover this particular topic more extensively in a future post but, for now, I would just like to say that, as far back as I can remember, I have found myself in abusive (physically and psychologically), manipulative and otherwise unbelievably toxic relationships… so I know what it’s like to be broken by those who should’ve been doing the exact opposite.

I appreciate the part I played in putting myself in these situations in the first place; allowing for such events to unfold and failing to remove myself from further abuse… but none of this should detract from the fact that I was intentionally and significantly hurt by the actions of multiple people close to me throughout my life (both personally and professionally).

It’s a tough topic because, having thought long and hard about this - and, although I tried my absolute best to be a good person myself - I cannot imagine having hurt anybody in a way even remotely similar to how I have been hurt by others, even though I most probably have… and, to those I have hurt without realising, I am truly and sincerely sorry.

This realisation has brought to my attention the harsh reality that those who did me wrong most probably don’t even know what they did, or that they even did anything bad to me (or anyone else) at all. The ironic thing is, the truly horrible people out there are the least likely to give a shit enough to consider whether they hurt those who are, or who once were, close to them.

Moreover, I am uncomfortably aware that there are many people in the world who have had it far tougher than I could even begin to imagine, and I am also so immensely grateful for the life I have lived thus far (despite my many regrets).

We should be cautious not to trivialise the pain and suffering people may be experiencing, downplay or dismiss bullying, ignore cries for help or blame victims for the trauma they have endured (and continue to relive over and over again in their heads).

I understand that this all requires engaging in a balancing act (of sorts) and that there are people out there who will seek attention, play the victim card and blame others for everything that is wrong in their lives. However, I believe that through the application of reason, rationality, a level head, presence of mind, assertiveness, sympathy, empathy and scepticism, we can both protect ourselves as well as ensure that no unnecessary harm comes to others (insofar as we can practicably and possibly help it).

At the end of the day, nothing and nobody is worth sacrificing our self-esteem, sanity and happiness.

And, finally, if you get pleasure out of another’s pain, don’t see anything wrong with hurting people to get what you want, blame victims of your abuse for the wrath you inflict upon them and feel justified in your acts of cruelty against those you consider unworthy of your time or presence, then…

• I have no respect for those who have no respect for others;
• I do not tolerate intolerance (e.g., unfair discrimination and irrational prejudice); and
• I believe violence begets violence (i.e., we must fight back against abusive systems & people).

To anyone who thinks that they can get away with being an evil piece of shit, may you fuck with the wrong person and have a taste of the medicine you so smugly dispense upon the world.

I’m not advocating for revenge, but rather that nobody should be expected to embrace unfair treatment, that shit people ought to be met with censure and it is in our best interests to reject, ignore and avoid (where practical and possible) any and all toxic people & environments.

Conclusion

I have lived life as the ‘nice guy’ for far too long.

In fact, living any portion of your life as the ‘nice guy’ is far too long.

Nice guys, as they say, finish last… not because they are good people, or because it takes being a complete asshole to achieve anything of significance in this world, but because the ‘nice guy’ is always putting everybody else first.

Nice guys aren’t necessarily good people but, because so much of their self-worth is tied to their public perception, everything they do is predicated on pleasing others and being well-received by everyone (even people they have never met).

The ‘nice guy’ version of me would never have published this post; replaying every possible negative scenario around and around in his head, and thinking about every possible personality that could take issue with what has been said herein.

God forbid anyone could hold a negative opinion about me, judge me, ridicule me, hate me or wish to cancel me.

The nature of reality is such that, no matter what we do, where we go or how hard we try, nothing will ever be perfect and not everyone will like who we are, what we do and say or how we live our lives.

There will alway be something wrong and someone with a bone to pick.

And being nice won’t remedy this malady, it’ll just make you absolutely fucking miserable as you attempt, in desperate futility, to buy love from those who were never going to respect you, regardless of what you did.

And to those people I say… may these words burn as you digest them, knowing full well that your opinion no longer holds authority over my life.

You don’t have to like what I have to say, but you also don’t have to be part of my life either.

Do with this what you will 😉

Thanks for reading.