Probably the biggest relationship hack anyone should learn is, when your partner is verbally lashing out at you, hit the pause button on your own emotions, and understand it’s because they are in pain, or feeling misunderstood, or not in control, or vulnerable.

Now, we might, or might not, be the cause of their anger/upset/disappointment. But for most people, the first thing we will do when our partner starts grumbling or shouting at us, is get defensive - whether that is shout back, go quiet, be sarcastic, go passive-aggressive - whatever our primary defensive mechanism is.

When we get into defensive mode, the tension shifts up to the next level. They do not feel they are being listened to, so will increase their signs of anger.

Remember, anger always feels righteous!

When we are angry, we feel it is our right to be angry, and the consequences of our anger is the fault of whoever made us angry.

When both sides feel this way, it spirals out of control, continually getting worse until both sides lose.

The real trick - and I’m not saying it’s easy, but it can be learned and gets easier with practice - is to hit the pause button on your emotions.

For a moment, stop thinking it’s about you, and why they are wrong.

Breathe.

Let them have their say.

Let them feel they have been heard.

Now help them.

If your partner came to you feeling hurt, upset, misunderstood or angry with anyone else, or any other situation, you would immediately leap to their defense and help in whatever way you could.

You need to do the same thing now. Understand why they are feeling as they do and help them.

That might mean apologising or making amends if it turns out you are the one who is in the wrong. Or it might mean understanding why their anger is misplaced - in which case if you have let them have their say, you’ll be clearer how that has happened, and can now help them to get a better perspective.

For many people, when their partner is upset, they will give them a hug, sit with them and talk with them.

9 times out of 10, if you do the same thing when that upset is aimed at you, then you diffuse the situation and stop it spiralling out of control - thereby giving you space to talk about it.

All wars end in negotiation. And are usually started because at least one side didn’t feel listened to.

It’s no different in your relationship.

Note: Physically and psychologically abusive relationships are unacceptable and require more than just a random Quora answer to sort out. Get proper help for that.

Written in response to “What are some relationship hacks that actually are worth learning?”