When it comes to preparing to date, you can boil it all down to: (1) be honest, (2) be realistic, (3) work on yourself first.

But when it comes to being in relationships, one thing in particular leapt out at me — something that became essential to our app design in creating Launch.

Create space for structured discussions.

It’s a very, very simple adjustment that pays outstanding dividends.

The basic logic behind it is as follows:

1. In every relationship, some seed-like problems need surfacing.
2. In every relationship, some messy problems need clarifying.
3. In every relationship, some unpleasant problems need addressing.

With the average couple, this all takes the form of unspoken tensions that silently grow in strength. Because the issues are messy and uncomfortable, both parties often tacitly agree to wait to discuss them until they make themselves more urgent or obvious — at which point they’re likely to stir strong emotions that make resolution costly if not improbable.

So how do the best couples stop the crazy cycle?

They commit to the habit of answering basic questions together as a means of surfacing and clarifying budding problems.

When I say basic, I really mean basic. If you consult any of the best relationship gurus (not dime-a-dozen dating coaches, but PhDs and long-term counsellors), most sing the praises of pretty fundamental questions.

• When’s the last time your partner made you feel loved?
• When’s the last time your partner made you feel unloved?
• What sorts of behaviors make you feel isolated or unwanted?
• What sorts of behaviors make you feel invited to open up?
• Why did you choose to be with your partner?
• What is your partner’s idea of “sufficient space”?
• Which financial principles are most important to your partner?

These questions can surface negative grievances organically. That itself is fine. That kind of confrontation and calibration is extraordinarily healthy. But we often shrink back from it because we’ve gone so long without it. The process makes us feel like we’re going back to school again (or perhaps we know that the relationship is unhealthy and we’re not prepared to admit it).

Unsurprisingly, couples that don’t go through these kinds of discussions on their own often end up in couple’s therapy to do exactly that — after having poisoned their relationship with neglect and avoidable wounds. While the therapy may still be enormously beneficial, it’s essentially a self-imposed tax for not having those conversation a better way at a better time.

From all the research I did, it was hard to find examples of this going poorly. In the worst cases, couples realized they were too far apart and not terribly interested in closing the gap. While those breakups are hardly pleasant, sooner is almost always better than later.

In Summary

To my reading of the data, if you really love your partner and want to make it work with them, the simplest and most effective thing you can do is get yourself a list of these questions and then carve out time once every week or two to discuss them in the most positive tone you can.

PS - This isn’t to deprecate the value of couple’s (or individual) therapy. The correlation of both with overall health is incredibly high. The problem to be avoided is only turning to therapy once the problems have already festered into emergency mode.