I have missed out on many opportunities in life, not only due to modesty but also due to fear or shame. As a youth, I avoided activities where swimming could be involved, as I didn’t want anyone to know I couldn’t swim (took lessons as a teen and finally learned to swim as an adult). I felt embarrassed that I was slow to learn to ride a bicycle. I avoided participating in organized sports, as I have always been clumsy/uncoordinated and didn’t perform very well. I avoided parties where dancing could occur, as I felt very self-conscious and like the most awkward teen ever, and I didn’t want to look silly to my peers — I didn’t attend my high school prom, for which I had a willing date, for that reason. For two years in high-school, I refused to wear my eyeglasses because I didn’t want to be a “four-eyes” and a nerd — my grades suffered badly until I decided glasses were better than being considered a dunce. I haven’t attended most of my high school reunions because I don’t want to be embarrassed by seeing how successful my classmates became while I was just a lowly social worker.

As an adult, I have avoided get-togethers where there are a lot of people I don’t know. I fear having nothing interesting to say and looking foolish or stupid. Also, I have a soft and higher-pitched, more nasal voice than most men and I know that people cannot hear me well — I don’t like having to speak louder when I figure they won’t find what I have to say interesting. I don’t know, or don’t care, about manly topics such as cars and car repairs, fishing, hunting, guns . . and I don’t have good stories of sexual conquests to brag about. Since I was a child, I much preferred to be around women and hear their stories; my mother would prompt me to “Go on in with the men and talk to them”, and I would, but most men’s conversations were boring by comparison and I just tuned it out.

When I was working, I missed many opportunities to advance in my career because I didn’t want to speak up and “sell myself” or “toot my own horn”. I thought that my qualities should be evident and that if I were good enough then others would recognize my worthiness and prompt me to apply for higher positions, but that rarely happened. Instead, I often felt overlooked and disrespected — that my contributions were deemed inadequate compared to those of others. I saw many others climbing the ladder into higher positions. I thought they were so phony and back-stabbing and I comforted myself for “at least not being like them”.

As an older man, I still don’t fit in many places. When I’m with younger people, I feel like they think I’m not relevant to their discussions and have nothing of value to add. With older people like myself, I hear them talk a lot about the past, and I guess I do as well, but that just doesn’t hold a lot of interest for me. I mostly prefer to be by myself and with my thoughts, though I envy those who talk easily with people and can hold their attention. I feel lost in a crowd, with my little voice and less interesting things to say. I have always preferred to talk one-on-one with someone instead of in a group.

I sometimes still think of all the things I have missed because I hesitated to speak up or to join others in activities. I try to accept invitations to get together with people as much as I can. But, I think it helps now that I am older and it is more acceptable that I am limited socially. Old folks just kind of fade into the background.