When I was in my twenties I was rather socially awkward and unstylish and some people thought I was a lesbian. I used to get a certain amount of hostile treatment from both strangers and acquaintances and it was not a lot of fun. Once I had the satisfaction of getting back at some folks who were being obnoxious. My mom and I were sitting in the audience at a small local theater production waiting for the show to begin. There was a young couple, a man and a woman, sitting in front of us and during the wait I noticed them glancing back at us. They would smirk and giggle with each other and glance back at us again. I overheard some comment that let me know they thought my mom and I were a lesbian couple. What crock! I was pretty annoyed.

I noticed that the young woman was rather chubby. Her backside was protruding out the side of her folding chair in my direction like an oversized, polyester-clad muskmelon. So I casually crossed my legs at the knee and started to wag my foot back and forth as if feeling nervous. After the fourth or fifth kick I managed to bonk her lightly in the rear with my toe. She jumped in her seat and looked around at me in indignation. Oh, I’m sorry! I said politely.

She looked back at her date and they just melted into giggles, all lovey-dovey and cuddly with each other. So funny, the clumsy lesbian. They were really having a fantastic time. I waited. A minute later, I started up again. This time I really gave her a fanny a good whack with the point of my shoe. She glanced back at me with a shocked look. Oh, sorry, I said politely, again. She turned back to giggle with her partner, trying to recapture all that warm, fuzzy feeling. As if I were soooo horrified and embarrassed by what I had done, I called out in a loud whisper: Mom! I just kicked that lady in the butt AGAIN!! The man gave me a worried glance then turned back and just sat there, stock still in his seat, staring straight ahead of him no matter what she said. He got it.