I had recently kicked thieving, disrespectful, ungrateful people out of my house after stupidly letting them stay with me instead of the streets as they damn well deserved. After I got them out I knew they were still bumming round the neighbourhood so naturally I locked my place up as best as I could. I started 2 notice that my tobacco packets seemed to run out a quicker than usual and be found in places I knew I hadn't left it. Then it comes to my attention that 1 of these losrs is next door often. This “big man" was convinced that at barely 16 he was smarter about the ways of the world than I in mid 30's

Anywaye I decide to set aside a tobacco pack with about 1/4 left in a very specific place i took pics on my phone of exactly how it was positioned. Less than a day later it had less tobacco and was not matching my pics I had not left the house at all in the 24 hour period. Which meant my house was being broken into while I slept. My next “forgotten" pack had a little something extra 4 The Big Man.

I would systematically SATURATE it with fly spray, allow to dry, repeat around 3 times Then add some finely chopped hair from my cat and myself (including pubic). The very next day, out in the shed the staunch crew of 15–19yr olds were settling into yet another session of smoking weed, “this is the best buds I've ever seen” and pissing contest. As I was in my backyard, unseen by this worldly pack I heard enough of their conversation to know they were enthusiastically grinding up $100 worth of weed with tobacco they took “from that retard next door"

When they started 2 pass the bong around i, for the first time ever pissed myself laughing literally! The swearing, coughing, vomiting cretins running from the shed with tears streaming down their faces, while cursing and threatening me was a truly hilariously gratifying scene I'll never forget. Jeez I wish I'd recorded it.