I was living in a beautiful cottage home on the side of a mountain in Southern California. They call it Rim Of The World. Pristine gorgeous. A view better than airplanes, many of which I was above! This very view in fact.

I had a friend who was really down on his luck. He had helped me out a few times in the past with handyman stuff - but now was flat on his back. His wife had left him, he had no job, basically he had the clothes on his back and little more. I had just gotten a job on the other coast and I needed someone to watch the place while I had it up for sale - so I made a deal with him. I said you live in the house, keep it clean, make it available when the realtor has somebody for a showing - and you can live in it for free - and I will give you a couple of grand when I sell it. OK good deal! So I pack up and I move to Virginia.

One day I got a call from the listing agent and she says to me - Robert I can’t show your home anymore because of the condition. I said what are you talking about!?? What “condition”? She tells me the house is completely filthy there are diapers everywhere there’s dog feces everywhere, plus a menacing dog - it cant be shown.

Now dear reader you have to understand I’m a meticulous person - this house was spotless - it was a showcase, it was a jewel! This friend that I was helping out was single, he had no dog, he had no baby. I don’t know what’s going on so I get in touch with him and I tell him of the realtors concern and he says to me “so what are you gonna do about it!?” I said what!?? What are you talking about - what do you mean what am I gonna do about it!? He says I know California law if you don’t stop harassing me I’ll get an injunction against you. You should stop harassing me and hung up on me. I tried to reach him a few more times and he kept saying you’re harassing me - stop bothering me - I know California law you don’t. At this point I’m thinking about the movie Pacific Heights. You may remember in that movie based on a true story, a similar situation in California existed where the renters were dismantling the place and the owner could do nothing about it and he ended up losing the house to them. What is it they say - possession is 9/10ths of the law!!?

He was in posession - and I was becoming possessed.

I try and I try to beg him to be reasonable - to remember our agreement - to remember our friendship… nothing matters he’s in possession of the house I can just go fuck myself.

Mistaking kindness for weakness is the single stupidest mistake anyone can make with me.

I call up my friend who’s a contractor up the street and I tell him the situation and I said please go down there, when he’s not there, seal the front door shut with three penny nails all around so that no human being alive can open the door. He does. This creep that’s living in the house starts entering the house from downstairs through the basement. I said OK please go back and since it’s winter in the mountains (at 6200ft - snow ski level) take out the expensive key components of the heating system so he will freeze. He does.

No matter - he’s still in the house with no heating! What am I going to do - I’m freaking out - I have no idea how to get rid of this creep and all the while he’s threatening he’s going to take my house - which I knew happened to Michael Keaton!

Im at work in DC and get a call from my previous neighbor who lives below my place on the mountain. He says breathlessly, Robert I’m watching your house burn - the fire engines are on their way! Sure enough I hear the fire engines in the background!! Well you can imagine I was at work and my heart is now is pounding out of my neck and theres nothing I can do. Was this twisted maniac burning me out!!??

They put it out. The roof of the house is completely burned away. Open to the sky. What wasnt burned to cinder was water destroyed. Everything was completely soaking wet and because it was winter in the mountains it was also frozen solid. I thought well OK at least he’ll move out now! No - he doesn’t move out, he is still living in the frozen solid house - no gas - no water - no roof - but he still living in the house - and the insurance company couldn’t do an estimate because he wouldn’t let them in (through the now fire axed opened “door”).

He will not vacate. He's like a flesh eating fucking bacteria in my brain.

Keep in mind he’s in California and I’m in DC. So I call the County office of Building Safety and explain the deal. Creep, threats, living with no roof, no gas, no electric - frozen. They say - how can we help? I say - please condemn my house as unfit for human habitation. I believe it’s a danger and hazard to the community. They promise if what I say is true - it will be posted.

They do. A big orange sticker - with a seal across the axed door. No Entry - Danger - Unfit for Human Habitation.

He stays.

So I call a guy I know who wears a badge and he says - if your place is posted, I will watch him move out within 30 minutes and tell him if he returns he’s getting arrested.

The rat bastard left and filed bankruptcy so I couldn't come after him. I got an estimate to rebuild from my three penny nail friend, and he got the contract from the insurance company.

The very first person who saw the rebuilt home bought it at full price.

It burned because shit for brains ran an extension cord from the main house - outside through the snow and into the detached garage to a second refrigerator (probably contained a severed head). The cord shorted and lit the all wood garage and house on fire.

Oh - and in that garage was the one thing that maniac treasured…. an original mint condition Shelby Cobra car. 998 were ever assembled from 1961 until 1968. The first made sold for 13 MILLION dollars.

I called him and asked if he wanted me to add it to my insurance claim - but before he could answer I said - ”You dont know California law - I dont have to.” And I hung up.

Toast

Cah-ching!