This is a two part story. They twist together in a surprising way.

As a teen I worked at a fast food restaurant. I received quite a lot of harassment from fellow employees and the management and one day decided I’d had it. There was a freezer that was insanely cold. I’d guess -20 or -40. I snuck in and urinated on the wall. The pee froze and made an interesting yellow stalactite.

I returned to work quite proud of myself for exacting revenge. An hour later all employees were called to the freezer and shown the mess. The lead manager asked if anyone knew what had happened. One employee guessed that a can of pineapple topping had exploded. Another thought that it was grease from the frier. I was delighted when one of the chief antagonists decided to solve the mystery once over. He strode in, snapped off a piece of the pee-icicle and ate it. “Yeah, it’s grease from the frier. I can tell cause it’s pretty salty.”. Picture me, with a poker face watching this unfold, all while laughing inside.

A few years later, I had somewhat reconciled with the pee-eater (I have not told him to this day what happened) and we joined as roommates at junior college. This time, he decided to skip out on our lease halfway through the year, leaving me with twice the rent payment. Argh!

So, after he announced his departure, I found toothpaste. Previously that year, I was diagnosed with a hemmorhoid and had a special cream I had to use. TMI. Anyway, I could not think of a greater revenge than to insert the applicator tip for my cream into his toothpaste and squeeze in a generous amount.

The next morning he asked, “Dude, have you ever heard of toothpaste spoiling? Mine went rancid”. I explained that “Yeah, I guess it’s like anything else. I figure it can spoil”. Again, I had my poker face on, while secretly delighted knowing that my enemy had eaten my urine and my ass cream. Good times.