I have attended a couple of weddings that were memorable because they were so unpleasant for guests. Not what you want to be remembered by!

Here is a red-hot tip for any grooms and brides-to-be who are reading: HAVE ENOUGH FOOD. People are willing to forgive a whole lot - no music, no dancing, no alcohol, bad cake, nowhere to sit, a very long gap between the ceremony and reception, drunken speeches, etc. but they’re really going to get riled up if there simply isn’t enough food.

My worst experience of all was a “long gap” situation, where my date and I sat around in our fancy clothes for 4+ hours following the church ceremony that had wound up at about 1:00 PM. We were hungry but didn’t want to spoil our appetites for the dinner we knew was - eventually - coming.

This was in the days before cell phones so we left for the reception site good and early, finally making our way through a complicated set of directions to a plain building set in a state park. The barracks-like interior had not been decorated in any way and contained long plastic tables and metal folding chairs. No music played, not even a boombox, and people sat around chatting quietly. No alcohol, either; in fact, I don’t remember if there was anything to drink except water.

Okay, so the ambiance was non-existent. but what about the food? Well, there WAS food… in a manner of speaking. After making everyone wait all afternoon for the reception, they saw fit to serve us cheese and crackers and veggies and dip. Period. This wasn’t just the appetizers, there was literally nothing else coming. At 6:00 PM.

The paltry “spread” was quickly demolished (I think I scored a couple bites from each platter) and the guests went back to staring at each other across the plastic tables. In addition to the no music/no dancing edict, there were no typical wedding reception activities, such as bouquet-throwing, garter removing, speeches, etc. My date was mortified and apologized for the “family reunion except with a LOT less food” about 50 times. I didn’t know a soul there except him so I did my best to engage.

Eventually a wedding cake was brought out and this is the REALLY funny part: it was absolutely colossal. Like, 8 tiers high with plastic bridges going on either side to even more tiers. I was immediately perplexed because there were only about 70 people on hand and this was easily enough cake to feed 270. Was this Marie Antoinette’s descendant here, thinking, “Let them eat cake” and hardly anything else?

Imagine my vast amusement when only the top three tiers of this monstrosity were lifted off and cut, revealing that the rest of the thing was nothing more than round plastic forms covered in icing. I kid you not: I was told the bride had wanted THIS cake and nothing else, so this was the illusion the bakery employed to make her happy.

The evening also featured the bride vanishing for a few minutes and then reappearing dressed in sweatpants with her hair down, ready to mingle some more. So much for any kind of “going away” festivities. By this point I had long since despaired of any kind of traditional reception so I truly wasn’t shocked.

My date and I made our escape at our earliest convenience and took our growling stomachs straight to the nearest fast food joint, where we wolfed down hamburgers and laughed ourselves silly over the ridiculousness of the entire affair.

Moral of the story: whatever kind of food you serve at your reception, make sure there’s enough of it. If your budget doesn’t allow anything other than finger food or light appetizers (or just cake and punch) that’s FINE, but be sure your party is not at a time when people will expect a full meal!