What is my favorite ways to deal with spam calls?

There are several favorites, depending on how I’m feeling or how busy I happen to be at the moment. I have my important numbers on special ring tones, so I don’t have to identify the calling number. Important phone calls always get a “New Contact” so I know instantly who they are.

1. I have my “auto” respond texts with various responses from “I’m driving, please leave a message” to “Please send money, lots and lots of money” … If I click one of those, and hear an immediate “ding” in a response text, I know it was a robot.
2. If there’s no caller ID I recognize, my next favorite answer is : “Crime Scene” … “Hello, who is calling?” then “Who were you calling for… “ … then “what is your business with Mr. _______?” If they answer instead of hanging up, then you reveal “… sir this is Officer XXX XXX investigating this crime scene. Mr. ______ has been murdered, we now have this number, and your call is important. We’ve already hooked into your call center, so it’s no use hanging up. If you do hang up it implicates you as an accessory to this murder. . . “ and so forth.
3. If there’s no caller ID I recognize, my next favorite answer is : “The LGBT Hotline” … and enter a discussion counseling them about their sex change, and how they shouldn’t have to feel bad about being a deviant when it’s merely a mutation of DNA. They usually strike out at me for being so insensitive … and the perfect retort is “Hey, we hear that hundreds of times a day, you don’t have to be embarrassed … and besides, you CALLED this hotline!”
4. If there’s no caller ID I recognize, my next favorite answer is : “The BAD CONNECTION” . . . you’re shouting as if driving in a convertible … “Hey man, I can’t quite hear you … did you pick up the beer? Don’t forget the girls, man! We’ll be at the beach in a few minutes, where are you? Did you get the beer? Hey man I can’t quite hear you” (Use your best Cheech and Chong voice)
5. If there’s no caller ID I recognize, my next favorite answer is : “Little Girls for Sale” … answer “New York Escort Services, where little girls are our specialty!” (Can also use “Miami”) Then you counsel the caller that they shouldn’t be embarrassed because they’re a pedophile — pedophilia is perfectly natural! IF they play along … which some will do, then get their address and charge card so you can send some girls over . . . or, once again, if they become belligerent, again you can use the “Hey, YOU called ME on this hotline for a little girl!” But usually the immediately hang up as soon as you deliver the “little girls are our specialty!” line, or the line, “Oh, maybe you would rather prefer one of our delicious little boys!”
6. If there’s no caller ID I recognize, my favorite answer is : “The Gambling Hotline … “ and enter a discussion about curing the caller’s compulsive gambling habit, and try to get their charge card to put bets on tomorrow’s races.
7. IF the caller is a Google Business Listing telemarketer, I expose their stupidity for not doing their homework — how can they make a living when they’re so stupid . . . I retired and sold the business almost five years ago. The Google callers are the worst. I get one of those at least once a week. Sometimes I’ll get two, one right after the other — from different numbers. They almost always speak broken English, or have a heavy foreign accent. Those people are NOT working for Google. Trust me. I did the “Little Girls” routine on the Google listing once, but near the end of successfully getting it done, the guy hung up! Wouldn’t that be a hit to get “Little Girls Hotline” into Google!
8. IF the caller is a loan shark with “Qualified Credit” for my business, I lead them on then scorn them for offering ma a lousy quarter-million! “… you called me on the deck of my $40-million yacht… what a f**king asshole for insulting me with a f**king lousy, bush-league, quarter-mil???” They hang up.
9. “Hold On” … for expediency sometimes I’ll just say, hey this is important, I want to talk to you, but there’s someone at my door … just hang on.

I’ve found since retirement, it’s actually a lot of fun role-playing. Each time I get a little better at it — but it does take some time, and can be embarrassing if there are other people hearing your side of the conversation! I should start recording them and uploading them to YouTube!

Most of these I learned on YouTube. You can search for “Annoying Telemarketers” there are hundreds of great ones!

But above all, get listed with the FTC Do Not Call Registry and DO report if you get a clear business name. You have to get the business name or it does no good.

Remember that in most cases of Robo calls, they skirt around legal issues by offering you an opportunity to have your number removed. So if you listen to the end of the call, you might just get : “Press ONE to speak with a representative, or press TWO to have your number removed from this number’s calling list.” But that’s how they skirt around the law. “This number’s calling list” will never be used again. They can freely change numbers and call you again.

If you want to experiment with the above ploys, press 1 and wait for them to pick up to go into your routine.

Also remember that today’s telemarketing software can ring your phone and go directly into voice mail, without tripping the ring tone. Also, there are a billion numbers, so don’t bother blocking on your phone — they now have software that can call you from anywhere, or even an “invented” number due to caller ID spoofing … so the number you see is actually not the number they called you from. So, they’ll call you from your home town code, or even YOUR OWN NUMBER!!! All of this should be illegal and some of it is. In today’s society, however, people have no remorse in doing anything for a dime — and they will.

We’re all worn out by telemarketers, but hey, if you got to live with it, you may as well have a little fun with it. Please let me know YOUR favorites! I’m always open to new ideas — particularly if they really work!

Thanks for reading

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