Gwyneth Paltrow used to be one of my main celebrity crushes.
Yeah, she used to be.
And after you read this, you’ll be reminded of why you broke up with that seemingly normal but eventually crazy hot boy or girl you dated in high school.
Ugh, Pepper Freakin’ Potts.
Red hair, striking eyes, lithe form, and sexy voice.
As a kid watching Iron Man and The Avengers movies, I was always immediately biologically enthralled by Gwyneth Paltrow when she would show up on the screen.
All my friends were all about some Scarlett Johansson and rightfully so but I was always enamored with ol’ Ms. Paltrow.
In passing in the last few years of my life, I heard some blurb about vaginal eggs and how they were complete and utter bullshit.
“Who the hell could believe holding something with your vagina like a penguin could do anything helpful!?” I said in disbelief.
If this seems completely unrelated to the beginning of my answer, be assured that unfortunately, it is not.
What I missed is that Goop, the company that touted the power of these so-called “mystical eggs” was owned by no other than you guessed it, Gwyneth Paltrow.
Paltrow didn’t just peddle these worthless, yet extremely aesthetically pleasing eggs but a whole myriad of pseudoscientific products that do a whole lot of nothing other than giving people a sweet, sweet dose of Placebo.
Why is the company named Goop, you ask?
The reason is as inspiring as it is philosophical.
Paltrow heard from someone that all successful internet companies have double o’s in their names.
Google. Facebook. Amazon. eBay— oh wait.
So, she picked the name Goop, stating that it was something that could mean nothing and could mean anything.
No GP, it means slime and makes me think of the Pokemon Muk for some reason.
Which isn’t far away from what Goop is; a toxic pile of… something.
Now, a lot of the stuff isn’t harmful per se but it is unreasonably overpriced and many times the products on the site tout claims that are unfounded or unbelievably spiritual.
The eggs? They could lead to bacterial vaginosis or toxic shock syndrome when left in for too long.
… Yeah, no Goop was directly inspired by Muk.
What other products do they sell, you ask? …God, I wish I was making this stuff up.
Yeah, this is easily the bluntest candle label I’ve seen in my entire life.
It could’ve been “The Erotic Scent of GP” or “Gwyneth’s Alluring Flower” but no.
How much for this candle? $75 American Smackaroonies.
And just in case Edward from Twilight and Jared Leto’s Morbius start knocking at your door aroused by the scent of Gwyneth Paltrow’s… flower… they actually made a product for this exact situation.
And this isn’t just your run of the mill Vampire Repellent Protection Mist, no no no, this is PSYCHIC VAMPIRE Repellent Protection Mist.
So, just in case Yuri Geller becomes a vampire and comes knocking at your door hungry for blood and sex with GP, you will be well protected.
You can’t make this shit up.
I can’t see Gwyneth Paltrow the same anymore.
Believing in astrology and the power of stones is one thing…
But I draw the line at vaginal eggs, (narcissistically crafted) vaginally scented candles, and fucking vampire repellent.
You are still fine GP but damn, I never would have suspected one of my biggest crushes to be some sort of amalgam of a snake oil salesperson and a witch doctor.
EDIT: Apparently Psychic Vampires are in a league of their own.
I’ll post a link to the description here so you can read all about them.
Either way, whether they suck blood or suck positive vibes, GP’s spray isn’t gonna help.