What is a personal story of how you overcame challenges or fears in the senior dating world, and what did you learn from the experience?

Question

Lydia Smith · Answer

My husband was 20 years older than me. He was a very kind and caring man. We had a great life. He worked at the same job for 37 years. We had a nice home, nice vehicles, and 3 beautiful children. We traveled twice a year, a stress breaker for both of us and some great alone time!! We were married 44 years. My husband passed in 2012. I miss him everyday! The benefits of marrying someone older are he was an adult, all “grown up “, had a steady job, and took good care of us. He was reliable. He helped me with our children. (These days a lot of people have a nanny.) He paid the bills on time and didn't mind grocery shopping. That's the benefits of marrying an older man. 😉

Anonymous · Answer

Like I have said in many other answers, I have only ever dated guys my own exact age, since I first started dating back in junior high school. Age symmetry has always been a fundamental, core part of my attraction to guys. My husband and I have been married nearly nineteen years and we are just a few months apart in age.

However. When I was younger, just turning 18, I decided that I needed a real-life experience with dating an older man, so that I would either change my mind, or else understand my preferences better. So I met this great guy, Stephen. A wealthy former model, thirty six years old, so about double my age. Incredibly handsome, athletic, brilliant. We effortlessly conversed in Italian, English, and French together, talked about literature, politics, history, travel. He was smart, and serious, and our lovemaking was energetic and powerful. We broke two beds, and that is usually a good sign.

But you start to notice some things that make you uncomfortable. He never introduces you to his friends. They are all in their 30s and 40s, established with homes, and usually kids who are about your age. He doesn’t want to go out to any of the insane punk clubs that you like, or listen to any of the underground music you like. He has no interest in meeting anyone in your family, or any of your friends. Your relationship is a private bubble.

And that isn’t how I ever envisioned my relationships. We parted company, amicably as friends, after about six months. He remains a friend to this day, although he has retired to his villa in Italy. In a recent email, he confessed to having taken a series of pictures of me nude as I slept all those years ago. I’m 53 years old now, and might like to see those.

Vana Ava · Answer

I haven’t had to face any of these relationship fears, and I’m grateful that I haven’t.

But my biggest fears are:

Being cheated on. Loyalty and honesty are the biggest things in a relationship. If you agree to a monogamous relationship, I expect you to remain sexually and emotionally faithful to me. No flirting with anyone else, no responding to someone else’s advances, and obviously no sleeping with anyone else.

Someone marrying me only as a second option because they couldn’t marry the person they really wanted to. This would be mental hell for anyone. I really couldn’t imagine how it feels to be the spouse of someone that couldn’t get “the one that got away” back. Every time I see them, I would see “the one that got away” in their eyes. Every time we laugh, I would know that they would rather be with someone else. No matter what I’d do, I would never be enough for them, and I couldn’t truly make them happy, because I’m not who they’d really want. I would be either a silver medal, a bronze medal, or a participation ribbon.

Having a “one that got away.” It wouldn’t only be the heartbreak that would follow that scares me, it would be how it would affect potential future relationships. It would be hurting a future partner that scares me. I don’t want anyone to feel like I “settled” for them. I’d never want to be unfair to my partner, or make someone settle for only half my heart.

Being a forever fiancee. Some people are fine with staying engaged forever, and that’s good for them. But I want to be married one day.

Thankfully, the person I’m with now isn’t like that. He’s not hung up on any exes, he’s faithful, and I’ve already laid out what I want in my future, and he did not disagree or say he wanted something else.

Alan Carlson · Answer

Question: Is senior dating doable?

Answer: You bet your sweet bippy it is! (If you are old enough to remember that line from “Laugh In”, you are probably a senior or on the verge of being one.)

I had to start Senior Dating when my wife of many years died. At first it was nearly as difficult in my 60’s as it had been in my teens and twenties. But life is not as intense at every moment when you are 65 as it is when you’re 20 or so. So, there was nervousness, but I could get past it. And when I had a date that was obviously “Let’s not go there again!”, I could call it a “learning moment” and move on.

The toughest part was that while I was obviously a Senior (Check my photo), I had some trouble at first seeing women my own age as desirable. In the Middle Ages or even later, I could have just gone after younger women. While that’s not impossible now, it has lots more drawbacks than it used to. I don’t recommend it.

Eventually I met a woman (Online) who was my age and seemed to be interesting. So we had coffee. And went kayaking. And I fell in love, big time. And realized that women my age could be attractive. Very attractive. “Turn your cell phone off, we’re busy this weekend” attractive.

Practical advice:

Be patient and pay attention to the process, as you stumble into this new version of what you used to do.

Be clear with yourself on what your standards are, and then stick to them. Don’t settle for just OK. (You may find you’re tweaking your standards as you learn more about yourself. That’s OK. You can adjust them to fit an ongoing better understanding of yourself, provided you don’t lower them out of fear.)

Try online dating. Really. “Our Time” is aimed at seniors. I’m sure there are other good sites. Online dating vastly speeds up the first, time consuming, stage of meeting people. (While keeping you at a safe distance.) Once you’ve got some viable options, you still need to do real dates and sit face-to-face with someone for the first time. I crashed and burned on about six actual dates before I met Ms Right. Your mileage may vary.

One more thing. If sex is at the heart of your question, you can have it both ways. If you and your libido are still good buddies, you can find members of the opposite sex who are glad to hear that. And if you want a quiet, friendly, intimate-but-not-sexual relationship, you can find that, too. You will, of course, have to be upfront about which way you want to go at some point.

Good luck!

Patrick Young · Answer

Only once. I was 32 and dated a single mom who was 41.

Challenges: She was a single mom so finding time together was very tough. Whatever spare moments she may have had were prioritized for her kids. (I’m not complaining, that is how it should be.)

Benefits: The sex was fantastic. She was at that age where her hormones were getting goofy and she was horny all the time. And being older, she knew things. Communication was far easier. Most of the younger women I’ve dated never would speak directly or say what they wanted. They drop hints and if I didn’t pick up the hints, it was my fault somehow. Being a single mom, she learned how to speak directly and succinctly. She said what she meant and she meant what she said. It was a pleasure.

There were two things that ended it. One was that her youngest child wanted her to get back with her dad. I threatened that and she always disliked me. If you want a long term relationship with a single mom, all the kids have to accept you. The other was the age difference. She said “At first, it was really sexy to be with a younger man. But over time, I just felt old. I found myself constantly putting on creams and using fillers because I felt I was competing with women 10 years younger than me. I didn’t have money to buy the latest fashions. I was wearing my old clothes and I always felt like a frump.”

Madhurima Pathak · Answer

When our partner is bad. He is not more responsible for liabilities than what I do. he is not cultured. He is a loose character. When he left me I happened so many fears in my relationship.

Sumner Callahan · Answer

There are a number of sites that specialize in older people. I joined 1 or 2 when I was new to the online scene and met a couple guys there. I call them “old lady sites,” because the guys on there were too conservative (and generally too old) for me. On one hand they wanted to go on dates to get better acquainted before having sex; on the other, they wanted to know if I could “host” (have sex at my place). For the coup de grace, the sites wanted too much money.

I finally put most of my “dating” effort into SilverDaddies ($50 per year, and a gathering place for older men and the young men who admire them), and CraigsList personals, which at the time were a cauldron of all sorts of sexuality (now defunct). I’ve since added Growlr and Grindr (which I jointly call Gr***r). Growlr is good for sending “Shouts,” or Eblasts, which are an inexpensive way to reach out to like-minded guys in your area. There are lots of younger guys out there willing to fuck old men.

The biggest risks in using Gr***r (much less so with SilverDaddies, whose byword seems to be “quality over quantity”) are guys who make appointments and don’t show up, or guys who cruise by and decide you don’t even rate a hello, a major buzz kill if you drive to a remote site. I’ve had 2 occasions, out of hundreds over the last 3 years, of guys stealing petty cash — $100 or less (one of them fucked me 3 times in novel positions, so I suppose I got my money’s worth). One guy took $150 to buy Xstasy and coke and never came back — tuition money for me in the school of the street! (Never advertise that you’re interested in drugs, even 420 and poppers, as you tend to attract a bad element.)

I don’t believe in long back-and-forths by Email, but you need some conversation to get a bead on your correspondents. If ANYTHING strikes you as off, or weird, or inconsistent, either terminate the conversation or go for a meeting at Dunkin’ Donuts.

Anonymous · Answer

You can get over your fear of dating by thinking of it as a way to getting to know a person better. And by not seeing a date or two as a predefinition or label that you are suddenly together.

Dating should be fun. It should be relaxing and it should be free of requirements and expectations. If you let go of those things then I bet you that dating won’t be so daunting or scary.

You can also get over the fear of dating by getting over the fear of rejection. I know, rejection hurts for everyone. But I see things like this… I would rather live with the knowledge of a Yes or No than with the unknown of What Ifs, and live with the regret of never having asked that person out and getting closure.

And rejection isn’t really a bad thing. It hurts but it isn’t bad. Getting rejected doesn’t really mean that you lose something. In fact, getting rejected means that you did not get what you already did not have, namely a relationship.

In addition, you can start very small and in small steps. You don’t even have to use the word date when asking somebody out. It can be a simple thing as, “Hey, wanna grab coffee or lunch after work?” It doesn’t have to be anything more elaborate than that initially.

You set yourself up for failure in the dating world if you have big expectations on yourself and the person you are dating.

When I want to date a person I don’t get infatuated with them. My dating process starts with curiosity. I don’t any specific expectations at this point. I may test my waters a little bit. If my flirting gets reciprocated that curiosity turns into interest. Here I may raise the bar a little bit and take my flirting to the next level to either get asked out or even ask someone out.

Then after a couple of months of getting to know the person and being with that person I may raise the bar yet again… and turn it into loving someone. But don’t go falling in love or starting to love a person during the initial steps of the dating process. You will just make yourself disappointed and further feed that fear.

Remember what I said. Dating should be fun and relaxing. It does not need to be elaborate and spectacular. However, what you need to be is clear and true with your intentions. Otherwise you can lead the person on or you simply stagnate because you are sending mixed signals. So take it slow but be honest and be clear with your intentions. Be obvious with your cues and signals.

Michelle Tag · Answer

She never showed up. I’ve never had that happen to me before or after. I never tried contacting her since. She had her chance and I am very anti pushy. I admit I was hurt.

Thomas Francisco Pelgero · Answer

Hi Andjela,

How can you overcome your fear of commitment in dating?

Fear of commitment is only based on your own negative thoughts. When you are serious to dissolve your fear, take a pen and paper. Ready?

Negative thoughts create automatically negative emotions and feel bad. 
Positive thoughts create automatically positive emotions and feel good.

A pure positive thought is good for you AND good for all other people.

You answer the questions and do the two exercises on your paper and I will work out the example, so you can see, how you can execute the exercise. Don’t worry it takes only four simple steps to create the basis to dissolve your fears. Don’t judge, just go for it.

Step 1.0. Thoughts we have about committing to a date

Answer this question: I am afraid to commit to dating, because……..

1. I am afraid he will reject me
2. I am afraid I don’t like him
3. I am afraid he wants right away more, sex and stuff
4. I am afraid that he walks away when he sees me
5. I am afraid that I don’t know what to say
6. etc.
Make your list with as many thoughts you can find. Just brainstorm and just write your thoughts down and see what comes up. You will sometimes be amazed which thoughts you have and never realized you had them.

Read the list again and realize that these negative thoughts make you feel afraid of committing to a date.

Step 2.0 Positive thoughts.

Now have a look at a crazy positive person who is not afraid to commit to a date. You see the positive thought is the opposite thought and when you have positive ideas add them too. Make sure the list is positive and good for you AND good for other people. Don’t think if you believe these thoughts that is not important for now. Just make game of it. Find the positive thoughts. You do your list and your thoughts, I do mine as example.

1. I love dating, exciting to meet new people
2. I love dating, I can check if this person is interesting or not for me, and he can check if I am interesting for him or not.
3. The first date, is just a meeting between friends who communicate and see when we get along.
4. I will inform him what I expect of the date, just to have a nice conversation and a drink and to get to know each other.
5. I feel secure, I know what I want in this date. That is good for me and for him.
6. When he walks away, I will smile and look forward to meeting a next person with some more respect, understanding and commitment to have a date.
7. I will make a list before I date, what subjects we can discuss. Just to have an idea, what we can talk about. I will quote some nice experiences from my past and see what he thinks of them.
8. Off course I have some questions for him, like….
9. I have to remember I am not a detective and can interrogate him. Use some humor in your statements, to make it lighter.
10. etc.
Step 3.0 Compare the two lists and feel the words and visualize the intentions, do you notice some difference? Negative list feels bad and the positive list feels great and makes you secure and happy. Just by reading the words. Right? I bet you do.

In this step read the positive list 4 times and visualize it happening exactly like you have created your positive list. When you are on a date, remember you have a base to fall back to. When it goes differently, it does not matter, as long as you are sure about yourself, enjoy the experience, and keep everything in the right perspective.

Step 4.0 Forget the negative thoughts and believe the positive thoughts.

Does this seems difficult for you? Do you want to know a secret, you do this your whole life. Only mostly you don’t choose if you want to believe a positive thought or a negative thought. You let the situation dictate your thoughts. Now I am teaching you to formulate your thoughts consciously.

When you don’t think, speak, watch, communicate about the negative thoughts again than your synapses in your brain, will disconnect these words - images - feelings - values with your perspective. In other words you will forget them.

When you repeat the positive statements over and over again, your synapses in your brain will connect these statements to your believe. You will learn them by heart, remember them and use them always. Just like learning a history statement. When you repeat them over and over again, you will after a while believe them. THAN your fear will dissolve completely.

Than you can check the next date, and you will completely enjoy your date, before, during and after. Just by choosing pure positive thoughts. What is good for you AND good for the date. When he says something or does something you don’t like, just respect him as a person, that does not fit in your desire of a boyfriend.

Only by trying you will know that it works, it works and it works.

Have fun during the process. See it as a game. See dating as a game and have fun with it.

More questions, let me know.

With best regards,

Thomas Francisco Pelgero

Debbie Durkee · Answer

Fears in relationships have always been an issue, especially if you didn’t have the greatest childhood. Childhood issues can and will creep into our adult relationships. We all want to be loved and accepted with our person. If we came from an unstable home life and are dating someone that had a stable life, there can be many insecurities to overcome. Self esteem issues that many of us fight can create jealousy, envy and feelings of not being enough within a relationship. It’s not something we want to create. It’s already been programmed from childhood if we came from an unstable family. I grew up in this type of environment and loving my beautiful soul took many many years. My relationships suffered partly due to this but I also picked the wrong partners due to my low self worth. Looking back I forgive the little girl inside myself because she only reacted in relationships with the only tools she had from her childhood. I believe the forgiveness I’ve given myself has made me a better partner. There are fears that try to creep in occasionally but when it happens, I start pouring positive thoughts into my soul. Our mind can never just stop, so we must be ready to pummel any negative fears that want to destroy our happiness. Social media now has added fuel to the fire that can be ignited quite fast in relationships too. Cheating used to take work but now it’s as simple as a click on these computers in our hands. Healthy relationships need trust and this new world creates many challenges for monogamous couples. I do believe that if two people truly love each other and want to invest in a future together, they must communicate as well as commit to each other. They must be honest in what they want and if they are going to be on social media, be a team. The world can divide us but when we present ourselves as a unit that is devoted to each other, no one can tear you apart. Love conquers:) I hope this helped. Lots of love

Penelope Allen · Answer

Common fears in relationships include fear of abandonment, fear of commitment, fear of betrayal, fear of being vulnerable, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of loss, and fear of not being enough.

To overcome these fears, it is important to focus on building trust and communication in the relationship. It is also important to practice self-care and self-love, as well as to be honest and open about one’s feelings and needs. Additionally, it can be helpful to seek professional help if needed, as well as to practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques.

Alan Gramer · Answer

Most types of dating are doable, and dating in your later years certainly qualifies. The key thing is to first off all figure out what you want and what you expect from dating. So there are some questions that come first:

* Are you into it for the long run or are you just looking for fun?
 * Do you expect love or are you just happy with simple companionship?
 * Are you comfortable with using the internet, particularly dating websites?
 * Do you prefer to find people the traditional way?
These are just a few questions that should guide you on the right path. It will help you to determine what sort of dating site / service you will use, if any. All and all, knowing what you want will make the process easier and way less confusing.

Let’s say you’re not too web-savvy, then maybe look around for communities in your local area. Find an activity which you enjoy and join a group that does such activity. Book clubs, cooking clubs, walking clubs… you name it. The idea is for you to find people who are into the things you love to do. Meeting new like-minded friends can often lead to finding a suitable partner, the key is to approach them in an environment where you have things in common. Sites like meetup.com [ https://www.meetup.com/ ] are actually pretty good for finding out what happens in your area. If not, the local papers (both online and offline) can be a great source to find new activities to do.

If you are comfortable with using the web, your best bet these days is to use a mature dating site like singleandmature.com [ http://www.singleandmature.com/ ]. Mature dating is more appropriate than using younger dating sites, simply because you will be put in touch with people who are closer to your age. More respect and less rejection will occur if you reach to people closer to your own heart, and you will find older people do act more mature than their younger counterparts. You can think of mature dating sites as communities for singles in their later years.

A final word of advice: be careful with online scammers. Make sure to keep your privacy intact, don’t give away your name, address or phone number to people online. Those details can be used by others to commit online fraud [ https://www.actionfraud.police.uk/fraud_protection/dating_fraud ], so best to keep it all safe. Instead use a pseudonym, and make sure you stay in control. Dating is an emotional ride, but keeping your logical cap on will allow you to see scammers from miles away. The bottom line is: if that person sounds too good to be true, then they are probably lying, time to move on. Logical thinking and confidence will be you best tools.

All the best on your journey, I hope you find what you are looking for!

The Bearded One · Answer

Q: What was the worst date ever?

A: Probably the poisoned date from Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981, 4,5 stars out of 5).

Kathy Sanders · Answer

Why must you find fear in that?I find it acceptable. And comforting. I love being alone and I'm old enough that I know after this last go round, we've been together31 years, that I'm done with romantic relationships. Hanging out is one thing but being involved with someone is not what I want. You have to accept that just maybe you won't find another partner. Why not a roommate? Or just friends?

Laurie Concepcion · Answer

Overcoming lies

People lie all the time in relationships. Big lies and little lies. Lies to make yourself look good, lies to cover an insecurity. Selfish lies to get what you want in a relationship. Lies of convenience.

Learning the be 100% honest with your partner and building a relationship where they can be 100% honest with you is golden.

Many relationships take years to reach this level of honesty, and some never do. The key is to call your partner out on their lies in the moment and forgive them for it right away. Don't hold lies over their head but understand why they lied and explain that the lie was unnecessary.

But being able to trust that your partner is honest and would never lie to you is an amazing gift. It takes the burden of trust off the shoulders of the relationship and makes it easier to enjoy the time you have with your partner and the connection

Www.adulting-101.org

Chris Dunmore · Answer

trying to meet men understand…being fucked is not making love

Anonymous · Answer

The lack of depth and genuine connection. Dating today is based on a photo and a swipe of approval. The relationship rarely has more foundation than that. It’s empty and missing the things needed to establish friendship and partnership that can overcome all that life sends your way. It’s possible, but it’s a scary leap to take.

Robert · Answer

Picking the WRONG girl's to date!!!

Judith · Answer

I think that worry, anxiety, shyness and lack of self-confidence are often caused by underlying fears.

Below is my little essay on overcoming fears. I wish you the best.

Back when the human personality was being formed on the African veldt, taking a risk meant risking your life. Go check out what's on the other side of the river, You might be someone else's dinner. Stay out late in the day to try to catch another antelope, it gets dark, you don't make it home.

Human beings are hardwired to avoid risk, and the mere thought of risk creates primal fear.

These days, we still tend to have the primal fear reaction when presented with risk, even though our lives are not at stake. More often than not, our fears are meaningless and useless.

I think by and large most peoples’ lives are dominated by fear, caution, and being comfortable. Unfortunately, the best lives, the most exciting lives, the lives worth living are the ones where a person surmounts their fear, sets aside caution and quits caring about being safe and comfortable.

Fear and shyness cannot hurt you by themselves. Fear is a feeling. It is a message from deep in your brain trying to keep you safe. Safe from a saber tooth tiger maybe, or a caveman with a club.

Fear is VERY RARELY useful anymore. Unless you are walking on a high cliff or facing a guy with a gun, fear is useless.

It is uncomfortable to feel fear. We think it means something. We treat it like it is important. We need to start treating fear and shyness like the obsolete, antiquated feelings that they are.

The only way to make the fear messages quiet down is to ignore them. And the only way to ignore them is to set a goal, feel the fear, and complete the goal.

COMPLETE THE GOAL. NO MATTER HOW IT FEELS, COMPLETE THE GOAL.

I wish I had a pill for this, but the only solution is TO COMPLETE THE GOAL.