I have used every possible kind of dating service possible, the free, the paid for - everything. I have met in my life probably 1500 different women. You can condemn me later for whatever reason, and you might be right in your criticism but that is not what this is about right now.

I have always been surprised, even shocked by how foolish some women in the online dating world can be. Online dating can be much like going to a bar to meet someone but in some ways it isn’t - at least in a bar, you can see whom you are talking to and you know at least that they are real people and so on. With online dating, you don’t really know anything.

When you make a profile, it asks you to describe yourself and put up a photo and often it asks for the town you live in. When making your profile use the next town over - never your real town. Never put in your exact profession. Never put in pictures of your kids and never name them. You want to meet someone but you must maintain your safety and privacy until strangers have earned your trust. With all the tools on the internet now, it is so simple for me to track down a woman who thinks she is anonymous on the internet because she doesn’t use her last name in her profile. It’s easy. And I’m not a stalker.

If you start meeting with someone, focus more on the “interests, hopes, and dreams”. Do not focus on occupation. Be vague about it until you get to know someone better. All relationship building is about trust and the more you reveal about the unimportant details of your life like location, job and so on, the more information you give to a person you shouldn’t trust who can use it to find out everything about you.

Spend as much time as you want chatting online. If you move to text or phone, remember that you’re giving your phone number away, a critical piece of safety information. Some women block the number so the recipient can’t see it. That’s just smart. If you text, you are extending a lot of trust credit to someone.

Remember: trust is like a credit card and if you extend too much too soon, you’re likely to get someone who will abuse and burn you. Trust is given in drops and lost in buckets. Make your potential partner earn every drop. Note that a lot of men online are married and looking for fun; some are picture collectors, some want phone/esex; some want a real relationship. In my worthless opinion, for ever 100 contacts, perhaps 1 will be someone you like and who likes you back. There are four potential situations: you like them, they don’t like you; they like you but you don’t like them; you both don’t like each other; you both like each other. The most desirable outcome, you both like each other, happens the least by far.

Most men you meet are going to be interested in sex. That doesn’t make them bad. It’s the way it is. You cannot judge them for that but you can judge them on how they act. If all they are after is sex they will be pushing hard early for it, for nudes, for esex, for meeting at a motel, etc. It’s okay to want sex: we are sexual creatures. But if you are looking for a relationship make sure you investigate the man’s motives because if he just wants fast sex, it will be apparent. In the old days when Craigslist still had Personals until the Republican FOSTA act put them out of business, “Casual Encounters” usually meant hookers; “Seeking Relationship” meant sex right away and “Strictly Platonic” meant sex after three dates. Being an expert at Craigslist in the old days, I can tell you this joke has a lot of truth to it.

You should agree to meet up sooner rather than later. You’re not looking for a penpal and unless the phone sex is amazing, you need to make it real. No matter how good he sounds, no matter how articulate, no matter how much his opinions mirror yours, you aren’t going to be able to make your choice till you meet. So save everyone some time and agree to meet. Meet at a public location. Take your own vehicle. Do not agree to be picked up anywhere or dropped off anywhere. Do not get walked home. Meet during regular hours where people can see you and where people can congregate.

Always Always Always let someone know where you are going and when you expect to be back. Make sure you leave a note on the table with whatever you know about this guy so that if you are abducted, or worse, killed, the police have leads. This is extreme but you need to think of your safety. “Expect the best but plan for the worst.”

Plan for a one hour coffee meeting. Don’t go out for drinks; don’t meet for dinner. The first meeting is not a date. It’s an interview. Meet at Starbucks, pay for your own coffee, don’t leave it unattended and then do your work. If you’ve reached this stage, the guy has something about him you like. Now you have to fit his physical appearance into your assessment. Believe me, for most people this is the critical moment. Most people know within 30 seconds if there is going to be another date and the only thing a partner who gets the nod can do is decrease his chances of a second date by talking or acting himself out of it. If you want a second date, be clear about it. Men are clumsy creatures and need explicit instructions. If he likes you, really likes you, he is going to be parsing everything you say and often taking the negative view. If you like him, be enthusiastic about a “real” date. It will be an enormous thing for him.

If you meet someone you like and you go on a few dates remember that this person is still more of a stranger than anything else. Keep extending trust in drops, expect an occasional pass and don’t be too judgemental about it - men can’t make progress without taking risks. You don’t have to cave and you don’t have to be a jerk. If you think there’s a chance of intimacy sometime down the road, tell him to be patient. If he’s cool, he’ll wait. It not, you’ve learned something important to add to your “discriminators”.

Do not be intimidated by people who tell you how to feel. I cannot tell you how many women can be browbeaten into dating someone they don’t like because they have been convinced that to not do it would make them “bad” or “racist” or “prejudiced against (fill in the blank)”. You have the absolute right to like or not like anyone you want to for any or no reason and you cannot be judged for that. Only go out with people who make you feel good about yourself and whom you actually like. Never be intimidated into dating people you don’t like because it “makes you look bad”. Forget that. Date whom you like.

If you meet someone and start dating, once you get to the intimacy part, it’s time to have a serious convo with yourself and them. If you are having sex you shouldn’t be kissing or dating anyone else any more and neither should they, unless you are both up front about the casual nature of the relationship. After a few months or an explicit agreement, you should disable your dating profile. Once you’re in a relationship you need to close your heart to other opportunities and focus on what’s in front of you.

One of the biggest pitfalls of online dating is “The Grass is Always Greener Syndrome”. The problem with online dating is that you can fall into the trap of “this guy is good but there MAY be someone better.” You can lose a good thing if you’re always searching. Settling for someone doesn’t mean settling for second best. It means you’ve found enough of what you need to be content. It doesn’t mean forever - it means for now. And if you are involved and getting intimate and becoming trust partners, then you need to think about stopping looking for “something better”. There are no perfect people or situations and if you keep looking, you can end up alone and wondering what happened. I am always struck by the story of the lonely man, dying on his deathbed having never found love. When they asked him why he never found the perfect girl, he told them he had - but she wouldn’t have him. She was looking for the perfect man.

Character tells and any man can fool you by his words. “Everyone lies,” says Dr. House on the television show. But character is hard to hide in actions. Note how someone treats the busboy, the waitress, the panhandler outside, even how he treats or talks about his family. Behavior speaks louder than words. If he shorts the tip or brags about shoplifting or other petty crimes/misdeeds then character is lacking. You need to find someone who mirrors your values. “Opposites attract” is bullshit. And make sure you don’t mistake verbal abuse for honesty. Many women are lulled into thinking that guys giving them shit are just being honest. You can be a bad person and be honest too. Never accept any kind of abuse, even as a joke. And remember: how he treats other people is how he is going to treat you in six months when the newness is gone.

Online dating is about safety first, building trust and accepting what you find if it’s good for you. If you don’t know what you’re goals are (casual sex, dating, marriage) and you don’t know what you really want, then it will be harder to find it. Make a list of all the things you want in a mate and prioritize, then look at the top ten. If you can get any five, you’re doing really well.

Online dating is convenient, fun and so easy and it can work if you are clear about your goals, open to exploration and changes to your mindset and if you are focused on the basics - safety and trust.

Use your common sense.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Arrange to meet up as soon as possible. There are a lot of time wasters and scammers on line, meeting in person will weed those out.

Ask the awkward questions: Are you married? Are you sexually active? When did you last have an STI test? Are you kinky? Are you a Trump votor? Are you religious? Where do you stand on Roe v Wade?

There is no point wasting your time even meeting someone who is a Trump voting creationist if you are a kinky polyamorous athiest. Or vice versa.

Pay attention to the photos. Is his place a tip/still living with his parents? Does he have a drink in his hand in every one? Are there lots of skirtless posing? Is there one with his ex cut out?

Meet in a neutral place where you feel safe, for coffee or lunch. Don’t make your first date a big deal with dinner and show. Odds are, you’ll meet and chat and feel no inclination to meet again. This is normal. Most online dates consist of a chat and no more. I reckon about one in ten dates will result in “Wow, I want to see you again, and soon.”

Obviously, don’t give your bank or credit card details to anyone online, don’t give your address, and it’s better to chat through a site where you can block if necessary. But there is no need to be paranoid, most men are just looking for a date, not to cyber stalk you.

Otherwise, date and have fun.

Men are very visual, so your photos should look great. You should have them professionally done. Show some skin, but carefully; if one outfit shows off your legs then cover up on top, and if you show cleavage then keep your skirt hem modest. Do a close up and full body photos, always with a big smile. Be careful of revealing a nice house in the background, that just attracts fortune hunters.

Men all want a sweet, friendly, confident and fun woman. Reveal some of your personality and your interests. If you like sex, go ahead and say that (it's refreshingly rare) but also mention the conditions (in a monogamous relationship, or other). Don't be afraid to reveal your talents, especially if you're a great cook. Be honest, don't lie about your age or anything else. Most of the other women do lie, an honest woman who is confident in her femininity and her appeal stands out from the crowd.

Ask for what you want, if it's a LTR or possibly marriage, or other. If you want eventual marriage then say so; it's almost impossible to move from casual dating to full commitment if you have chosen a man who wants to play around. Tell them the characteristics that you need in a man (possibilities are hard working, good with money, gives great massage, warm and a hugger, a great kisser, likes to talk and share). The men will read that list carefully and joyfully find the match and message you. Tell them what you have to offer (great meals, fun companion, sensuous, monogamous, etc.), this is not a one-sided deal.

Challenge the men. Give them a little (tiny) quiz, or dare them to message you and reveal something about themselves. Keep it light and friendly. Men love a challenge and they adore a confident woman.

When dating, meet in the evening for a drink or at an early breakfast. The first setting is romantic, the second is surprising. Skip coffee dates, somehow that never makes a decent connection (too much like business?). Same with lunch dates, they don't usually work for a first meeting that will lead to a second. Show some skin at the meeting, but carefully (shoulder cut-outs or a little cleavage or a short skirt) not too revealing. Dress in a feminine way and be friendly. Keep a little mystery and don't reveal too much in the first meet. Listen carefully; men will tell you everything about themselves in the first three dates. You just have to be able to hear what they are saying and believe it. If he laughs and tells you jokingly that he beat his first wife, believe him. It's the truth. If you accept this information, by the fourth date you have made a hidden social contract with him that everything he revealed is acceptable to you. Very, very few men should make it to a third date with you and none to your bed yet if you want a committed relationship. You only want to choose a man when you are dating at least 5-6 men past the third date. Choose the man who treats you the best. Then gently let the others down. Do not go to bed with him until he has indicated emotional commitment and has stated that he wants a monogamous relationship. Do not go bare until and unless both of you have been tested. It's so easy now to get a full STD panel online with a local blood draw.

You must screen your potential partners intensely. Listen for lies. Some men will only pretend to be single, or move from relationship to relationship. Avoid men who have been divorced less than a year or whose divorce is not yet final. Some of those relationships work out, but the stress level is insane. You'll also find a lot of men with bad habits; drugs, alcohol, gambling, financial instability, unemployment, or sex addiction. Avoid them, the stress is something that you do not need. Also, don't fall for just a handsome face; handsome is as handsome does. Your real price might have a froggy exterior. You want a man who is capable of trust and commitment; many divorced men cannot or will not trust again. You require honesty, you need a man of virtue who has chosen to live a decent life. You are looking for a capable man, and also for a sweet and kind man who is honest with you. A kind man is the rarest treasure; treat him like gold when you find him. Make certain that your long term goals are compatible with his. You want a man who has a decent relationship with his mother and who has close male friends; the lone wolf makes a poor partner.

I married my first husband after meeting him on a dating site. This was when dating sites were new, and we were one of the first couples ever to be married from a dating site. It was a good and long marriage, despite the death of a baby, and only ended when he couldn't accept some financial reverses after the '08 crash. I met my present husband on a dating site also. There will be moments on the dating sites when you despair of finding anyone who matches you. It is a numbers game...and you only need one man.

Christmas through New Year's is the best time of year to look for a partner. Even the men who have been casually dating "get real" at this time of year. They are lonely and they are looking for companionship.That's the real secret that men keep close; they need, really need, a woman to live their life with.

Thanks for the A2A

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Online dating used to be something you whispered self-consciously to your closest friends, as if it meant you had “failed” at meeting someone the traditional way. Nowadays, more and more couples are meeting each other online and the rules are being rewritten. I’ve actually enjoyed my experiences online dating, and I’m on my fourth year anniversary with someone I met online. The secret, I’ve found, is mainly in your attitude and approach to online dating.

Here are some of my top tips, from one honest classy career girl to another!

14 Essential Online Dating Tips For Women

1. Be Confident

Don’t approach online dating submissively. It’s scary to admit that you are “looking” for that special someone but don’t forget, your blind date is auditioning as much as you are. If you walk into your date with a genuine desire to learn about the other person, have a pleasant conversation, and have an inner confidence of what you bring to the potential partnership, you will feel a lot more comfortable meeting strangers.

Remember, they are probably just as nervous as you are. Don’t forget you want to assess if you like them. Don’t worry so much about them liking you and I promise you won’t feel as nervous.

2. Don’t Drag It Out

I used to let guys send me several electronic messages back and forth before meeting up in person. Then I started realizing that many men are very eloquent online, but too shy or too socially awkward to really spark any chemistry in real life. Once I got wise to this, I’d start to notice that the men who wrote super-long messages were often the ones most reluctant to meet me in person, as they knew that they weren’t bringing a lot of assets aside from their writing ability.

Then I switched to making sure the messages were shorter and after just a few messages, I would initiate asking to meet for coffee. Not surprisingly, some never wrote back. Others agreed and we found out during the meeting that we didn’t have any chemistry. Better to meet sooner rather than later so that the encounter doesn’t drag out and you waste time writing back and forth. Why would you invest time becoming emotionally attached to someone through their writing and words if you would never click once you meet in person? Establish an interest in each other and then don’t drag it out. Get that initial meeting over with as soon as you can.

And, just as importantly, never continue dating someone after the first date because you “feel bad” for them. If they persist, be honest and say, “I had a great time, but I don’t see us together romantically.” You need to cut those strings loose immediately. Nothing good can come of this situation, not to mention you’re now bringing in a drain on your time and energy.

3. Have a Sense of Humor

Attitude is everything. I kept a brief blog during two periods of online dating in two different states. It was the only way to keep everything in perspective and to keep my friends entertained. I would post the messages I would receive online (some of which led me to blocking the writers) or comment on weird dates I’d been on.

Most notable: the guy who was obsessed with turtles, and the guy who wanted to talk about his nightmares. Here’s a tip: If a guy has to write “no crazies please” in his profile, you do not want to hang out with him since clearly he is a magnet for drama.

You WILL go out on a weird date at least once, but probably more than once. That’s why I recommend coffee or something non-committal – you don’t want to be stuck at a dinner table! You need to prepare yourself for it now and instead of turning this into a pity-party (“Why do I always get the weirdos”) you need to change your attitude to, “I can’t wait to tell my friends about this!”

4. Know Yourself Before Demanding Attributes From Others

Make sure you’re not asking for more than you’re willing to give. Are you writing that you want someone in a certain socioeconomic status, but in the same paragraph you demonstrate a lack of ambition and a lack of discipline? It’s difficult to demand standards from others if you don’t have them for yourself.

Don’t gleefully write “I’m a princess and you must open the door for me and you will take me out to a five-star restaurant on our first date,” and then wonder why confident men steer away from you. The classiest thing a lady can do is simply expect high standards, not demand them. It’s amazing how much this makes a difference in people’s opinion of you.

Consider asking a trusted friend (perhaps even a male friend) to check your online profile and see if they can guess the type of person you’re trying to attract. If they can’t, you might want to consider rewriting your profile or changing your photos so that there isn’t a disconnect between what you think you’re saying and what you’re presenting to the world.

5. Never Lie On Your Profile

Do not put up photos from 50 lbs ago. Do not say you don’t have any kids if you really do. Do not gush that you love heavy metal when you really don’t. Do not say you like long walks in the park if you’re actually allergic to pollen. Just don’t.

6. Recognize Online Dating is Hard for Both Men and Women

On many sites, some women just have to put up one photo and they will receive 100 messages in one hour. This is mind-boggling. Men have to work a little harder to be on the receiving end of pursuit. Thus, men are dealing with online dating rejection every single day as the odds of their receiving a response are lower than yours.

With 100 messages a day, how are you going to possibly sort through these?

Your mind will eventually figure out shortcuts – who put effort into their profile, who has a photo you like, who used humor in their profile or who seems confident. While at first it may feel flattering to get so many messages and “likes,” don’t let it go to your head. Stay authentic and true to your values and your character, and use the same clues in assessing their profile that you would if you met them in real life.

7. Recognize Setups

If a guy reaches out to “tease” you or to challenge you (“I bet you’re the type of girl who would never…”), walk away right now. This is a huge red flag. You do not have to prove anything to him. Only a stranger with bad intentions would want to make you feel defensive or that you have to prove anything.

If someone said this to your face, how would that make you feel? Delete his message and move on. Same with inappropriate or vulgar unwanted messages – don’t even bother responding with a reaction because that is what they are looking for. Block or report the person and focus on positive interactions.

8. View Online Dating as a Marathon, Not a Sprint

Unless you get incredibly lucky, you’re not going to hit off with the first person you meet and live happily ever after. You need to be prepared for a series of interesting first dates before you find yourself moving on to that one special person.

9. Experiment With Different Dating Websites

I’m not going to name the different dating websites as every generation seems to have a new app or favorite website, but just know that each site seems to have its individual culture in terms of demographics, emphasis on serious relationship, ways of interacting, and so forth. Don’t expect to have the same results with each website, you may have to experiment a bit.

For instance, some are definitely a bit more marriage-oriented while others feature more casual encounters. Also, I online-dated in two different states (I changed jobs), and although I was using the same website I found the quality of men and the experience to be quite different on that same website. Give certain sites a second chance if you move to a new city, or ask your friends what they’ve used that they like.

10. Don’t Take Mismatches Personally

Some women may come home after every coffee date and sulk on the couch. “I’ll never meet anyone!”

When you bring this attitude to the table, you bring negativity and bad energy to the process and you are also putting on a desperate vibe, which means you will not attract the best candidates. Once you start complaining about your dates, you have begun to look at dating as a combative and negative experience which will affect your judgment.

I’m telling it to you straight: Desperation is not attractive. Be classy, acknowledge that not everyone has chemistry with each other, “bless and release,” and move on to the next date.

11. Take a Break

During my first online dating foray, I thought I had it down. Then I scheduled three coffee meetups…in the same day. This was as exhausting as it sounds. Looking back on it, this wasn’t the smartest move for an introvert anyway, but having three different blind dates on the same day made me realize I wanted to take a step back and not be out there so much.

Step back and take a break every so often – often you can temporarily disable your profile so that you don’t continue to get messages in your absence.

12. Be Safe

I never let anyone pick me up at my house for a first date and I always told a friend when I was on a first date, even if it was just coffee. The first time my now-boyfriend came over to my house, I texted my friend and asked her to check up on me in a few hours. It’s just always good to let people know your whereabouts when you’re hanging out with strangers.

13. Be Honest About Your End Goal

Be honest with yourself about what you’re looking for and make sure you’re using the appropriate website. Also, you need to make sure you know what type of man you are looking for. Then, if his internet profile gives even the hint of something else to the contrary, do not contact him. I repeat, do not contact him.

If you are looking for a significant relationship with someone who doesn’t drink, for example, do not reach out to someone who has a photo of them with a beer bottle in their hand, no matter how good looking they are. You cannot change anyone and you are only setting yourself up for disappointment later. Many times when people complain about mismatches during their online dating adventures, you can generally discern that there were hints of a potential mismatch from the very beginning.

14. Keep an Open Mind

Sometimes you have to recognize what is a “big rule” (the deal breakers) and what is a “little rule” (you just trying to maintain control over a scary process). When I met my now-boyfriend, I actually broke most of my own smaller rules. I gave him my telephone number after one message online, met up late at night for our first date, and I kissed him on the first date. All things I’d refused to do for many other men who’d contacted me.

Four years later, he is the most inspiring, supportive, motivated, and ambitious person I know. Sometimes I even forget we met on the internet. It’s fine to have ground rules as an emotional support, but as long as you’re safe and legal, don’t forget to follow your heart as well.

Yes.

Keep your wits about you and be willing to see the obvious… like indications the fellow is juggling multiple partners in a predatory way, is lying or has a substance issue.

The main thing to realize that is a fellow is really interesting in a very engaging way, this can be an indication the fellow is practiced at manipulating woman and is a sexual predator.

The average sincere guy is a lot more awkward and nervous, tends to talk about things of interest to him that are not interesting to women. They also come across as more willing to please and anxious you think well of them, which can come across as a lack of confidence to women.

While a sexual predator will come across as more confident and assertive, which is appealing to women.

But I can assure you, over time, the sincere fellow becomes a lot more interesting and a better partner. As you get to know each other and he starts to trust you, his personality will come out more and you will see his goofy, or funny, or smart-ass, or confident side (usually when talking about an interest of his or his work). He becomes more interesting and more comfortable to be with.

While the sexual predator increases your insecurity, keeps giving you unpleasant shocks, makes you feel you are in competition for his attention. And of course, that first STD is a bit of a buzz-kill.

So look to get to know a fellow before you decide if he is interesting or not. The quicker he seems really interesting, in a very emotionally engaging way, the higher the odds he is manipulating you.

So give a guy a chance, and look for evidence of his character and how solid a person he is… those are more important qualities.

Essentially all of the major dating sites are owned by a company called the Match Group which has been pretty continually under federal investigation based on their deceptive sales and marketing practices. For years.

Most notoriously, they were caught incubating scammer bot accounts on their sites in order to drive up and inflate interaction numbers. They didn't care if their users were defrauded by online con artists, so long as it produced activity on their dating sites. Activity which they could use to market their products.

But this is merely the part of their business which is actually illegal. If you look closer, the whole set-up is blatantly a scam.

If you have an OkCupid account, try this little experiment. Open up the search function and request all matches in 50 mile radius sorted by compatibility. This should reveal the highest compatibility matches in your area. Jot down the top twenty names and the lowest match percentage on that list.

Now switch over to the Tender-style swipe function. Swipe until you run out. Jot down the names with match percentages above the cut-off from your first list. Compare.

That's odd, right? Who are these five or six new people who didn't appear on your first list? Their location is listed within the search radius. Their match rating is higher than the minimum on your first list

So why did OkCupid hide these profiles from your search? Because the site heavily throttles access between profiles which might actually result in a connection.

If you switch over to the match tab, you’ll notice something really scummy. As they intentionally obstruct high compatibility profiles, they need some other way to create the illusion of activity between users, right?

Most people won't dip below about 80 percent compatibility. But check out how many profiles in your matched list are in the 60 percent or lower range.

Do you actually remember picking those people?

I bet you don't. In fact, I know you don't because those matches are autogenerated by the site without your consent. Instead of connecting you with people who might be of actual interest to you, it feeds you an artificial stream of low compatibility profiles and scam bots. If you decide to pay, then the volume of these intentional mismatched and scam profiles increases, but access to higher compatibility matches increases not even one tiny bit.

These sites aren't designed to facilitate an actual connection between interested people. They're designed to string you along with the continual promise of love, if you fork over more and more money. All while sabotaging that effort at every turn.

You don’t. Not right away anyway.

First you talk on the phone or agree to a date.

If he starts pushing sex he isn’t interested in something serious.

Make sure you say you are looking for something serious with the right person and if he isn’t, that’s okay but its best if you go your separate ways.

Some guys are players and will tell you they want something they really don’t and you have to be a bit of a detective.

Don’t listen to ANYTHING a guy says. Watch what he does. Don’t sleep with him until you agree to exclusivity (even though I didn’t do this with my guy). At least make sure you are not sleeping with other people (which I did do).

Unfortunately dating has become like going shopping and people toss away others like they toss away clothes in a dressing room without really getting to know them or spending any time together.

The only way you are going to find out is get out there and try.

First I would sit down and make a list of what you're looking for in a partner and in a relationship. I always say get friends and family to help as sometimes they might know you better than you know yourself.

Next enlist the help of a member of the opposite sex (if you're looking for a same-sex partner enlist the help of help of a same-sex person) and have them help you write an intriguing profile, and select pictures.

Now here's the tough part, you need to do the work. I work on behalf of my clients to be online at the same time everyday (evenings) and message 10-20 individuals online with well-crafted messages. Continue to do this daily, also if someone just outside of your preferences messages you, don't be shy to go on a date, it's just one date and dating is a journey so at least you'll learn something new about yourself while out on the date.

Just my two cents:

1. Represent yourself positively but honestly. Use current photos, don’t lie about your hobbies, etc. Misrepresentation might get you some first dates, but probably not any seconds.
2. When messaging someone, take your time to craft a decent message. Your message doesn’t have to be too long, but note something that you liked about their profile (other than their looks) and maybe compliment them on something. Ask a question if you can as that helps generate more conversation.
3. Avoid decision paralysis. Online sites connect you with potentially hundreds of dates. Don’t obsess over which ones to message or respond to. If someone seems interesting and nice, send them a message. You didn’t capture your entire personality in your profile, so do them the courtesy of not assuming they did.
4. Don’t look for someone who ticks every single one of your boxes. As long as there’s a few things you like about them and no big red flags, go for it. If you find yourself wondering whether to message someone or not err on the side of saying “yes”. You’ll go on more dates that are duds, but you’ll have a much better chance of finding a real relationship than if you keep yourself on the shelf waiting for the exact perfect person. You’ve got a much better chance of hitting the bullseye if you take 15 shots instead of trying to hit it in one go!
5. After a few messages, arrange to meet in person. The only dates that count are the ones in meatspace.
6. Coffee dates are “date zero”. The average online first date is going out to a coffee house together for an hour. This is a good practice, as it allows you to screen for threatening or truly awful people without risking much time or putting yourself into an unsafe space. HOWEVER, be aware that an hour of cold conversation over coffee is just about the most boring date that can be imagined. You will NOT get butterflies in your stomach over someone on such a date because you’ve stacked the deck against that happening right from the start.
   
   So don’t treat that first coffee date as the first date, treat it as “date zero”, a little pre-date to get to know the other person. If they’re nice, they put in a little effort, and they don’t come off as actively creepy or dangerous, then go on another date with them! Make it a real date the next time too, something with an activity the two of you can share, even if it’s just eating together or taking a walk in the park. A walk together in the park followed by a meal at a small restaurant is a great first date actually, infinitely more fun and interesting than getting a coffee together.
   
   After that real first date, if you still don’t really like the person, then you can tell them you don’t want to go out again. You’ve avoided the classic online dating mistake of quitting too early. Online dating can fool people into not putting in enough effort into each prospect to see if they’re a decent match. Don’t fall into that trap.
7. Use online dating to meet people, but don’t neglect your friends and your real-world social life. Your real-world social life and your dating life and symbiotic. Spending time with friends is a must for anyone who wants to find a partner. Not only can you meet a lot of people through your friends (friends of friends are great dating prospects), but having friendships also keeps your social skills well-oiled and ready to go. It is very difficult to find a boyfriend or girlfriend if you have no friends.
   
   If you’re searching for online dates, you should also be going out more too. Meeting people is good for you socially, and to do that you have to leave the house and go to events and things like that. I know that this can be hard, especially if you work a lot, but it really is one of the best things you can do to help you find love. Get out of the house. Be social. Meet new people. Use online dating as well.
   
   Use the “social action plan” method if you’re not going out enough. Invite someone to do something once per week, and accept all invitations that come your way. That last part is key. Accept all invitations (unless they’re really unreasonable). The friend everybody wants to have is the friend who shows up.
8. Keep at it. Dating success doesn’t happen overnight. It really is worth it in the end though. The right match can be one of the best things you do to improve your happiness in life.

You may find it “obvious and unhelpful” but you need to realize they are basing their answers on the tons of crappy first contact messages they get.

They get dozens to hundreds of first contact messages that are full of bad grammar, dead-end conversational non-starters or make it obvious their profile/criteria were not read or considered.

So what you consider “obvious” hasn’t been so obvious to those dozens or hundreds of men who have contacted them on a dating site. What these women are advising is a short list of things done by men on dating sites that have gotten them to respond.

When a man with a well written, thought out profile that discusses his interests, hobbies, etc (not just a list of his high points and shopping list of what he wants in a partner) sends them a well-written, well-thought out message, they are more likely to respond. Response still isn’t guaranteed, but the chances are better.

And you’d be surprised at how many absolutely garbage first messages a woman gets with online dating sites. From basically illiterate messages to text speak to one line sexual propositions. The ratio is usually like 100 crap messages to 1 decent one. And then, often the one decent message is from someone with a useless profile of all pictures and no words or copy/pasted looking shopping lists of what they want in a partner.

You’d probably be surprised at how many men have the generic, useless or poorly filled out profiles that give the woman who may consider responding nothing to go on or build from. FYI having “Just ask” with a bunch of random pictures is not a useful profile, though that is what the majority of men have as their dating profile. Again, hundreds of crappy male profiles for every one that is well-written and thought out.

Which is why when people ask questions like this about dating sites, the “obvious and unhelpful” advice is given, because based on most women’s experience, it isn’t obvious enough for someone to write a thought-out conversation starting first contact AND have well filled-out profile that includes decent pictures and something useful in the profile.

Because they aren’t concerned with if you find a match, only that you keep engaging with their site.

No site will “listen” to what you want, they are not vending machines for humans.

It is up to the individual who uses a dating site to communicate what they are looking for then sort through any potential “matches”. Dating sites require the users to put in the effort to find their own match.

What dating sites do is offer more options and potential partners than just going outside the house would. They help narrow the field from thousands of random strangers to those who also claim to be looking for a match.

How clear, concise, etc. a profile is in stating a “type” is helpful, but not fool-proof. And the dating sites are run by algorithms designed to make money, not matches. They only will show you individuals who meet the most basic of your dating type (location, gender, age). Other than that, it is up to YOU to filter further.

But too many people treat dating sites like vending machines. They think they put in what they want, and the dating site will spit out the “ideal human”.

I've wondered the same thing. I started looking in desperation one time, eager to absorb anything that might “help". What I found was that so many of the supposed experts dishing out this advice were capitalizing on a person's vulnerabilities to cash in.

I got angry.

I started watching videos and searching articles -sort of my own sociology/psychology research project. What I found was that no matter what the advice was about, the message was that you were doing and had done everything wrong and if you hadn't committed the fatal flaws of X, Y, or Z, you'd be blissfully happy now. But, if you follow the advice of whoever is dishing it out, subscribe to their channel, book a consultation, buy their program, or attend their seminar, they will let you in on the SECRETS to love success.

It's a marketing ploy. They exploit fear by exacerbating the fear people have of rejection. They want to convince you that you have a problem (meaning YOU are the problem) so they can sell you a solution.

What I noticed was the advice directed towards men had a theme of making her come to you, how to get her to pursue you, and build attractraction by being scarce even though it is supposedly based on the concept of owning one's masculinity by being dominant. What I also noticed was the advice directed towards women had the theme of making him come to you, how to get him to pursue you, build attraction by being scarce, and owning one's femininity by being submissive.

If both men and women are being advised not to make the first move, not to pursue, and be scarce, how exactly is anyone going to get together when each one is following these tactics in order to not appear desperate, clingy, or needy? This so called advice is all built upon the idea that just about everything you do will be considered desperate, clingy, and needy. This advice can be slanted in such a way to try to convince you that moderate behavior will be seen as extreme by your interest.

Much of the advice out there claims to be backed by evolution. It harkens to the time when men were considered hunter/gatherers and women were seen as prey to be chased by these hunter/gatherers. This would assume that evolution had only a window in time in which to forever mold the brain and glosses over the idea that evolving could be taking place as we speak. This is often presented as the default concept in dating and mating. A number of people doling out advice use this to shame men for being weak and women for being sexually inappropriate. It is funny to me how the same “expert" can use this format as the crux of his teachings, but at the same time, throw in the concept of how to get the woman to pursue in order to cover all bases and get a wider audience.

There are other camps of advisors who acknowledge society has changed and the hunter/gatherer concept isn't all encompassing. However, many of these people still subscribe to using secret tactics and tricks. Same tricks, just different reasoning applied.

I also noticed there were a number of people who were very eager to throw their two cents in on forums in such negative, blaming, and insulting ways. Call it a reflection of being inundated with the advice of “experts", the anonymity of the internet, the general negativity of society, and schadenfreude (taking joy in the misfortune of others).

Dating and relationships can be tricky to navigate under the best of circumstances without having negativity and mind games thrown on top of it by those who are claiming only to be helping. The definition of “help” isn't doing everything possible to shatter the confidence of a person who is already wracked with anxiety.

Yes, there are times someone is clearly being mistreated and may actually need to be reminded and helped to see how they are worth more than what they are accepting. Other times though, advice givers just want to appear as if they have all the answers. They don't. It doesn't take a genius to realize there are going to be more endings than happily ever afters. When people give advice that has the theme of everything is bad, it's your fault, nothing you can do will fix it, (Unless, in the case of the “experts", you buy what they are selling.) and the only way to handle it is to move on… they are playing the odds, not telling you some secret formula. Because there are more endings, they will appear afterwards as if they had great powers of knowing.

Bottom line: Steer clear of any advice that doesn't recommend you be true to your feelings, have open communication, acknowledges the fear of rejection but encourages you to feel worthy of taking a chance, putting your best foot forward, and treating your interest how you would want to be treated.

You don't, to be honest. My mom always says “trust but verify” and even then, trust is a poor word to use when it comes down to online dating. The person can be anyone. I say, take it super slow, pay attention to their actions (not just their words) and meet in a public setting. You may never know a person's true intentions but you can take means to protect yourself.

I just learned a lesson myself. I was dating a guy I met online for almost 2 months and things were great, so I thought. Well… the lesson I learned, was that online dating is basically an abundace of people at the palm of your hand. As quick as they picked you, can be just as quick as they dropped you. You just never know their intentions. Keep your expectations low and options open. That's where I went wrong.

As others have stated, there are five key tips to keep in mind on any online dating profile (for either gender):

• Check out your competition and try to stand out. Too many people use the same buzzwords ("I am active," "I like wearing jeans and a t-shirt as much as a gown and heels," etc.) that show no personality. In that case, you're just a face in the crowd.
• Be honest in your profile and use flattering, but accurate photos. Don't say you are something you are not or try to pass old photos as current. The photos are doubly important for women. Most men don't get further than photos, sadly, so use those that are well-lit and show your best side. Don't use photos from 30 lbs. ago or five years ago; if you're planning to meet someone, they'll felt as though you lied to them. People aren't stupid.
• Ask questions during messaging. Now that someone has sent you a message, ask a question -- preferably about something in their profile, but "where are you from/what do you do/how long have you lived in this city/etc. all work" -- so you're not throwing up a stop sign in the conversation.
• Google the person if you can. If they give you a phone number, Google it. If they say they work at a place, try to Google their first name and company. Do some research to make sure you are not corresponding with Jack the Ripper. Safety first.
• If you decide you want to go on a date, do not take too long to meet up. This is not a thought experiment. These sites exist to nudge people to meet in real life. Too many messages back-and-forth suggests a timidity that interests no one.

Its impossible to know that because you never know who that person really is. I'm a 25 yo female and I have chatted online a bit. In my personal opinion ,online relationships are purely for time pass and should be taken in that sense only. You never meet a fabulous person online. If they were that great they wouldn't have to depend on online chat to find someone for a serious relationship. That's the harsh truth

Meaningful relationships can be found only when you get to know and interact with someone personally. Unlike face to face relationships, the thing about online relationships is that much can be hidden and you get to know only what the other person reveals to you. That's a pretty distorted way to evaluate someone

Most men who chat up online are after only casual sex. Most of them are either married already or some kind of weirdos. No one is in search of a serious partner online. That's the absolute truth. Sooner or later it would be revealed. Some men straight up ask for hookup instantly while others chat around for a couple of weeks or even months before asking for casual hookup.

When it comes to personal relationships the old fashioned way of personally meeting someone or thru mutual friends work best. Its much safer and always remember that known devil is better than an unknown angel

Nope.

I mean, my type is billionaire supermodels with at least three Olympic gold medals, fluent in at least six languages, skilled at BDSM, with absolutely no family but a large life insurance.

Do you think a single dating site matches me with my type? Do you think men on those sites read my list and say, “Clearly no point messaging her, I’m not her type”?

I’m willing to bet that what you have listed as “your type” are not logical. You can absolutely say that you want a 21 year old virgin. But if you also want her to have a PhD in the Classics, and be an expert at BDSM, you’re likely to run into trouble.

My biggest beef - and why I've more or less stopped online dating - is completely uninteresting conversation. On the dating sites where I've participated, I've basically gone and written a novel for my profile, because that's more or less my thang. I like to write, and I am a good writer. I know that this isn't everybody's idea of a great time; however, if you can't be bothered to read what I've written, I'm probably not a good match for you. Move on. No harm done.

Trust me, I can tell if somebody is just spamming every file they come across with a stock greeting.

So, read the profile. Lots of ladies are not as long-winded as I am, so you can find somebody with a writing style to suit your interests. When you've read the profile, start your intro with something from it. This shows that you have actually read the profile. Also, put something in there about yourself. If you can find a connection point between you and her (and you should... if you have nothing in common it's going to be hard to date). And be a little bit... you know, excited. "Oh, man, you like windsurfing? Have you ever tried it Oahu? I was there last year and it was absolutely astonishing. I'm planing on heading down to Australia this year. What about you?"

This is more likely than others to get a response because 1) it indicates that you have read the profile, 2) it indicates that you and her have something in common other than you are both on a dating site, 3) it is not just a blatant request for sex, and 4) it gives her something to actually respond to so you can have something akin to an actual conversation.

I have messaged both males and females using this strategy, and have gotten a response at least 90% of the time; most of the responses were very effusive. (Admittedly, just because of known odds I'm sure that if a man gets messaged on a dating site by a woman he's more likely to go HOLY CRAP and respond than a woman is.)

As for men, I have had 3 encounters on dating sites with them that I would consider successful. 2 of them I actually messaged them first. The guy who messaged me first wrote a freakin' novel (so he's already a winner in my book), and wanted to talk about tank development.

I do not recommend tank development as a general topic. But he obviously had read my profile and had interests that coincided with mine, and he took the time to prove this and do it in a way that reflected what I had written in my online profile. So he was sending me a dic(tion) pic, if you will.

Also, as an aside, don't send dick pics. That freakin' never works.

The answer is based on experiences shared by several people, specifically feminine gender. Applicable for people in India.

My Advice

Stay away. You'll be safe, alive and happy.

The female perspective.

A super Junior from school moved from New York to India. She was using dating.social sites in the US to meet like minded people, find company for dance, drama, attend stand ups and music events. She used such sites back home too. Within couple of months she discontinued and deleted her accounts.

Her feedback.. people out here are fake, they put the mask of the guy you are looking for, while they are nothing like what they portray. Almost all are desperate freaks who just are interested in flings ...

Red Flags:

Several of my students, ex- students working in different cities (Pune, Delhi, Bangalore and several such Tier 1& 2 cities) echo the sentiment.

In addition, they had a very critical feedback- 2 big red flags.

1. Muslim males making fake profiles with Hindu names.

2. Armed Forces Officers having fake profiles as bankers, consultants...

Why are these Red Flags?

1. Whatever the sickular brigade, paid media, urban naxals, award wapasi gang, bollywood intellectuals etc. might say, the truth is “LOVE JIHAD” is real. I have only one question- if it isn’t so, why create fake profiles with Hindu names?

Hundreds of girls have lost their lives, cut to pieces, burnt alive, raped and left to die, packed in suitcase and dumped….. Your life is precious.

Even if you survive, there will be hundreds standing behind the culprit. Rarely anyone behind you/victim, For minority votes, they’ll feed off your flesh. To jog your memory- Arvind Kejriwal gave employment and rehabilitation to the rapist in Nirbhaya case.

1. The Army officers even more dangerous, pretend to be banker, consultant. As you take the bait, reveal your identity, personal details, they'd tell you “army officer”. The reputation, goodwill, uniform and respect, a little bitching about the hardships they face, how difficult life is for them, some fictitious stories they give, inspired by Bollywood …. will make you go gaga. And that will spell your doom. They'd give you stories, exploits they never did just to sweep your off the floor, and get laid. Don't fall for their stories. Rather, the moment they mention they are from Army, block them and run away. Don’t let them execute the “Surgical Love Strike” successfully.

Firstly, they aren’t supposed to be on dating sites for security reasons. But they are there- reasons and motives obvious. Due to their position/authority, they can get mobile numbers which aren't traceable back to them. They’d exploit you, and you wouldn’t be able to do anything- may not even know who they really are.

Even if you know the details- you’d be in a situation worse than a Love Jihad victim. The police may outright refuse to lodge a complaint. If they do, investigation will be superficial to blame you. If you report to the army, they don’t care. They’d even defend their own and even come after you- harass you by various means- they have immunity, power, connections, authority… If you use social media, people will pounce upon you for defaming the army, call you traitor, propagandist, anti-national. Your life will become hell.

Hats off to this girl- who has shut the door to the uniformed romeos (supposed to be undergoing training at MHOW- near Indore). But they are shameless, and will still come after. (Face blurred for privacy reasons- conceal identity)

There’s another dangerous breed out there.. and it’s on the rise. An article from today morning newspaper- Date rape drug. It’s not only used to take advantage of the girl on the date night, but culprits may even record it, continue to exploit you in various ways.

I m not against dating.. but am skeptical of the fakes, pretenders, power players, criminals and scums. Am wary of the risks of online dating. They’ll prey on innocent unsuspecting girls, exploit you, treat you as expendable. Worse- treat you as if they own you and keep exploiting you.

Date someone from real-life instead. People you meet at college, work.. you'd get to know them, know the truth and facts not lies fed on internet. they too can pretend, or change, but then you still know a lot of facts about them, and you can take time to understand.

Love jihad, Army surgical love strike, desperate freaks, or criminal offenders; it’s best to stay away and stay safe.

In case you are still planning on using dating sites and apps, this is an answer I found relevant and realistic..

Stay Safe.

Jai Hind.

This is one such instance (Culprit- Major Abhinav Iyer of 26 Rashtriya Rifles/8 Kumaon Regiment). There’s hundreds more similar exploitation's by Army officers- thousands more that never get reported.

You seem to be suffering from a case of nice guy syndrome.

In my and others’ experience that’s nowhere near enough if you’re not also really cool, hot, or have high social status.

This suggests that you think that women should all reply to you just because you have read their profile, asked a question, had good grammar etc. You are not looking for advice how to improve your chances, you are looking for a magic fix that makes all women attracted to you (no matter how boring and unattractive you are). Newsflash, it doesn’t exist. Most men will not write to women who they are not attracted to or who bore them. It is not unfair for women to look for the same thing, ie look for cool and hot men.

The obvious things are obvious things that men just don’t seem to get. Most women will bin creepy copy paste messages with poor grammar - and they get lot of them. If your profile pic is a shady webcam picture of you in a dark room or shaky shot of you in bar with pint that is going to turn off a lot of women. If your profile lists a huge list of criteria that is going to put off a lot of women, especially since many women think they will need to meet all of them for you to even consider them. (The same phenomena can be seen in job adverts: many women will abstain from seeking the job if they do not meet all the criteria whereas men will take a shot even if they are nowhere near a match Are Women Too Timid When They Job Search?).

Women cannot tell you a secret to get all women to fall for you. It doesn’t exist. Women are individuals with different tastes. What they can and have offered is advice on how to not self-sabotage yourself. Read her profile. Write a message showing why you are interested in her in particular. Use good grammar. Use profile pics that show you in favourable light, show just how hot you are (working on your appearances doesn’t do harm either). Write a profile to show how cool and interesting you are (and become an interesting person). None of these things is going to make all women feel weak at their knees but if you hit all points you reduce the chances they are going to put you in the ‘eww no’ pile before even responding to your message. And please bear in mind that no one is ever obligated to reply to you, no matter how much time and effort you have put in crafting the message.

You don't. Never ask a person what they want from you. You let the person see if what you have to offer is enough for them. Or in some cases too much for them. Asking someone what do you want from me can cause them to take advantage of you and mishandle you. And many other things, like control or abuse because they see you are so vulnerable and desperate to be with them. If they want more of what you can give and offer let them find someone else Sweetie. There's plenty of fish in the sea ⛵🤗 Don't beat yourself up about what you can be for anyone. Be who you are, the right person will come along and love you for exactly who you are. Trust me.

Hi, have had 2 very long relationships with men I met online (9 years curently, 12 year previous relationship), as well as several shorter relationships (1 year etc).

My suggestions:

1. You get what you pay for, usually. I had much better luck with Eharmony, a more costly site which also relies on a well respected personality test to match you with prospective partners, than I had with inexpensive or free sites who really do nothing significant to match you with COMPATIBLE individuals. This is especially important if you are seeking a long term, serious relationship versus a “date” or one night stand. On some sites, people are seeking a more casual connection. So do your hunting in the environment matching your needs.
2. Don't be afraid of online dating! Nothing scary has ever happened to me in all the years I used it. HOWEVER, use your intuition. If something feels odd, it probably is! I had less red flag contacts on Eharmony than from other sites, but still, I encountered guys pretending to be Americans living in the States who clearly were NOT (their use of English language when writing were dead give aways to me), and I encountered scary liars telling tragic stories which just had too many holes in them to be true. Now as a therapist for over 30 years, I may have an advantage in spotting inconsistencies and red flags in written replies, so all I can say is watch for inconsistent details and if something feels wrong, block the person. I reported any oddities to the site and every guy I reported got banned from the site!
3. Which leads to…..do not rush from communicating safely on the site to giving the person your phone number/email. I insisted on talking via the site’s safe forum for about 2 weeks or more, sometimes 3 to 4 weeks. If the guy resented that, I cheerfully told him to cease contact if my requirements were too much work. Then if I felt comfortable after 2 or more weeks of on site messaging, I would move to emailing and/or phone calls for another few weeks. Again, if the guy wasn't patient enough to accommodate what I needed to feel safe/comfortable, I would cheerfully say goodbye. So by the time we actually met in person, we had a good rapport established and most of these meetings went well, other than an occasional blooper which was annoying but in no way involved anything scary or unsafe.
4. Be prepared that the majority of contacts WONT work put, and prepare yourself not to take this personally! You only need 1 great match anyway.
5. Be really honest online about who you are, your passions, relationship deal breakers. I saved myself a lot of time and conflict, for example, by stating clearly in my profile that a love of pets is a deal breaker for me, as I am a pet rescue volunteer who will always be a multi pet home.

The most important thing about online dating is the positive attitude you bring to it. Just like the rest of life.

Accept that finding a suitable partner is likely to take time. In speaking with many people about this, they all said that it took months. Even a year is not uncommon. It is helpful, then, to think of it as a long term project. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t meet someone in a week or two.

Like most things in life, success with online dating is a numbers game. The more people you talk to, the more people you meet, the greater the odds of finding a partner, if that is what you are seeking. Results will be correlated with the amount of consistent effort you put in.

You should know going into it that many people misrepresent themselves online. They may not even realize they are doing it. You should present yourself in a positive light, but honestly.

When you meet someone who is not who they said they were, don’t let that stop you from continuing to meet more potential dates.

In online dating, you will meet a cross-section of society. Unfortunately, you are likely to meet some mixed up people. Meet everyone in a public place for safety, and let a trusted friend know where you are going. The odds of anything dangerous occurring are low, but be sensible. And don’t let any of this stop you in your quest.

You are likely to meet one or more persons that you would like to keep seeing, but the feeling isn’t mutual. It will hurt a little, but get back on the horse.

My 10 months of online dating were quite the education. Nothing terrible happened, but I had some “not great” dates. I went to work on several occasions and told co-workers about some of the more amusing ones. A sense of humor is a great help to maintain proper perspective.

One day, a co-worker, who had heard my crazy date stories, asked if I would like to meet his brother.

We met about 2 weeks later, and we were married within the year.

Persistence eventually paid off, but not exactly the way I expected!

Arrange to meet them in in a public place for coffee .. and then go home alone afterwards .. you just don’t know them well enough yet for more.

Meet them as soon as possible because 90% of what we grasp/read about another comes ONLY from those subtle signals we can pick up only when together in person. And the longer we communicate online without meeting in person, the more we build up a fantasy about the person .. and that fantasy causes us to miss the cues when we meet them in person. We can become quite delusion and end up getting in trouble if we spend too much time online with them .. which is why you want to cut to the chase and meet them face-to-face as soon as possible.

ALSO, do NOT tell them where you live. Do NOT give them your land-line phone number (if you have one). Do NOT tell them WHERE you work or give them any other clues that would allow them to track you down if you judge them to be unsafe .. and you cannot judge that until you have met them in person at LEAST once .. often more times than that.

After the initial meeting, the next stage would be to get together with them AND their friends at some public venue .. or invite them to join you and your friends. You really need time dating in a group and/or in public places before you want to go home with them or let them go home with you .. before you go somewhere private where there would be no help if they turned out to be dangerous.

We learn about people by seeing them in their environment .. how they interact with their friends, with your friends, with strangers in general. Take your time .. you only have one life to lose, and there are a lot of wacko’s out there, and also a lot of players. If you do NOT have sex right away, that will eliminate the players.

A friend invited me to a family dinner at her home. Her brother would be there, along with his and her family — parents, husbands, wives, children. They all thought her brother and I would make a good couple.

No pressure.

I asked her to ask the brother to invite me out before, to something where we could talk. I did not want that first conversation to happen in front of his parents, lovely as they were.

He invited me to go bowling, which I was pretty good at. I thought a first date bowling was unbelievably nerdy, but he was an accountant. A nerdy first date was gutsy in my book, worth bonus points.

We then went on to have regular dates, doing all sorts of things. One day we walked around Stanley Park, something like 7 miles. Lots of talking. He discovered he needed good runners. Old dress shoes wouldn't cut it with me. Next time I saw him, he had the right shoes. More bonus points.

If it hadn't worked, the dinner still would have been okay.

Later that year we got married. It was lovely.

When you form a partnership with someone, particularly if you have children, you don't just get him. You get his entire family.

Look for someone who has a similar background to yours, whose values are similar to yours. Life is a lot easier if you like the parents of your partner, and they like you.

A good partnership is like a good business. Go out and do things, lots of different things. If you have questions, misgivings, or are asking “is this right" on social media, that's a clue. Keep looking.

I have a lot of advice for people who choose online dating—now, you might not agree with all of it, but from my own experience and the mishaps of my friends who have used this medium to meet new people, here goes:

Don’t go out with anyone you don’t feel super-psyched about meeting. A lot of people will ignore their own dealbreakers or take the attitude that if they play the “numbers game”, something will stick. If you don’t want a LT relationship with a single parent, don’t ask out single parents. If you want to marry someone in your age group, don’t be swayed by someone 10+ years older/younger than you. Pick your battles carefully. Know what you need. Again: don’t be swayed by “compelling” profiles/photos (looks, money, etc.).

Conduct a background check, if you meet someone you’re keen on. Please do this. I cannot count the number of people I know who have unintentionally gotten involved with married people they met online. If you have an attorney friend, ask them to do you a favor and run the person’s name through LexusNexus or a similar database. This won’t tell you everything, but you’ll be assured of the basics—that they’re single, that they work where they say they work, that they haven’t been arrested for a felony, that they’re not in bankruptcy court, etc.

Don’t get talked into joint endeavors that cost a lot of money. I might be a little cautious, but I stay away from dudes who immediately want to “travel” (read: you pay half of the hotel room, and they get a destination f*ck). I’ve heard about a lot of other shenanigans, like scammers trying to get people they met online to sign off on car loans, home loans, business loans. All of these activities should be reserved for after you get engaged or married. And even then …

If you go “exclusive”, make sure they are off the dating site, and all others. This cannot be underscored enough. A lot of people will just “hide” their profile and prowl around on the sly. Don’t take it for granted that they’re ethical until you have proof positive.

Listen to your inner voice—and your instincts. If something seems odd about a person, if they raise red flags in any way, shape, or form, pay close attention to that. Question it. Even if they seem pretty nice in all other ways. Remember, these are total strangers you are meeting; they have no backstory. They have -0- connection to your social circle, so you don’t know anyone who can vouch for their intentions and/or reputation.

TL/DR: Be 100 percent more cautious when you meet someone online than you would if you met them through work, friends, or acquaintances. There are a lot of good people who use online dating, but don’t make the assumption that they are the ones you’ll meet.

The best way to know what a person wants is to listen to what they say. Simple. A man who wants something will speak on it. Every had a guy online who immediately led off with sexual suggestive jokes or comments. What do you think he wants primarily. Never ask a guy a question he can just lie and move on. Ask him this.

Would you prefer a relationship that was open so we could see other people?

This question will stop him dead in his tracks as he searched for the right answer.

Then…

What would you do differently in your next relationship that you learned from your past ones?

Finally…

What can I do to make you happy?

Now what these questions do is not allow a yes or no answer. The questions require prospective and you can start gauging what kind of guy your dealing with. Never let anyone answer a question with a question and don’t judge either let him answer as honestly as he’s willing. GL.

Yes, be prepared to wade through all the bullshit. You need to listen to your gut when it comes to dating online and realist that there's a lot of lies and half-truths that will go into some profiles. Make sure that your own profile is honest though because I've seen it backfire when you don't. Be prepared for the abuse too, something I wasn't fully prepared for when I started dating again. Men tend to feel that if they're rejected for whatever reason then they have the right to tell you what a bitch you are and worse. Also, dick pics and lots of guys just messaging for sex. There are good guys out there though so I'm telling you all the crap because it can really make you want to give up, but don't. Just plod along and remember that you owe these guys nothing, and that no matter how bleak it can feel sometimes there are gems out there worth the battle :) Good luck :)

I’m currently part of that world and what comes to mind are galaxies of cliches in profiles. I don’t know if men are the same way, but the women on these apps have very little variation—and it makes me sad or sick or both. For some reason, they all want to talk about how much they love the Office and Parks and Rec, as if this said something important about them or was somehow humorous or interesting or quirky. And I never knew there were so many dog moms but apparently—in this century—they are supplanting human mothers. It’s also funny how the euphemism “hook up” is now in need of yet another euphemism: “games.” Girls are certainly not into playing games these days and usually like to end their profiles with this information.

Some like to point out that they love Jesus, which is an OK thing to say, but it seems to me that this statement no longer means anything. I became friends with one of these girls who likes to say this on her profile and whenever we discuss this Bumble date or that Hinge connection she always asks: Does she love Jesus? And again, I think that’s an OK question to ask if it only meant something. When everyone uses the same language, that language no longer requires much intellectual apparatus from us: It becomes more and more like so much sound or incantations.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this: Please say something original about yourself in your profile. That’s what I’d “look out for.” If you want to keep it light and humorous, that’s fine, but be yourself and not just a lame conglomeration of spoon-fed culture.

Let's start out with what you should do and lump everything else into the "don't do" category:

DO

• Tell your story in RECENT pictures. Don't put a picture of you when you were 10 years younger or 30 lbs lighter.
• Set your profile picture as your face. Make sure it's well lit and represents how you look on a regular basis. If you smile a lot, smile. If you're the quiet sage type, make sure that represents your personality.
• Have a full body shot of you in a bathing suit. Be honest about who you are and what you look like. If the person you're trying to get expects something different it sets a terrible precedent.
• Have a few shots of you doing whatever your favorite hobbies are. Golfing, climbing, playing video games, cooking, whatever.
• Have a shot with your friends doing what you do with them. Again, going to sporting events, hanging out, etc.
• Have a shot of your family. Remember if you're trying to find someone to be with, they'll have to see your family at some point.
• If you are a "pet" person include that special someone (dog/cat/iguana/etc.)
• Write an example of a perfect day for you with the person you're looking for. This will tell the person looking at your profile how you're looking for someone to fit into your life.
• Write an example of how you'd fit into the person's life you're looking for. The opposite essentially.
• Prepare to look further away from your location if you're looking for Mister or Miss Perfect. Location is the number one filter for limiting a match on almost every dating website.
• BE HONEST. Don't lie about your height, weight, habits, etc. It will poison the well immediately and waste everyone's time.

You don’t ask him. Let him take the lead. If he wants a monogamous relationship, he will let you know after a few dates. Men only need a few dates to know if they’re interested in you for something serious. If he’s not calling YOU very consistently and taking you on real dates outside of your homes, He is interested in casual dating/sex only.

if you don’t give him sex, you will know real fast if he wants more than Sex. Because if he likes you, he will be willing to wait for months for Sex. The longer you wait the healthier relationship you will have because you are building a foundation that will be able to withstand conflict because she will have a stronger, emotional and mental connection to rely on. And you will have built a friendship which is the basis of any healthy relationship.

I find this question charming, because getting to know someone is the point of dating, but I also totally get what you are asking, which I think is “how do I get to know someone and assess whether I like this person without the pressure and expectations that often get heaped on someone when it is A Date?”

First, safety always: meet in a public place, drive yourself there or take public transit, make sure a friend or family member knows where you are and when you are expected back. This is true even if you know the person a little already.

Second, manage expectations. Keep your first meeting casual - get coffee somewhere, and keep it to a couple hours. Meet when the sun is up. It’ll give you a chance for conversation. Or, do an Activity date - museum, sports event, painting class, bowling, whatever. Those are good too because you have something to do with yourself if conversation isn’t free flowing. Ask him questions and pay attention to whether he asks you questions. See what your shared interests are. Pay attention to how he treats service professionals - it will tell you so much about him as a person. It’s OK if people are nervous. That’s normal, you can acknowledge it, laugh about it, and carry on.

Third: it’s totally OK if, after getting to know him a little, he isn’t someone you want to date. That is a successful result of dating, to also discover what is not right for you! If that is the case, tell him so, kindly but directly. If you DO want to date him, then hooray! Schedule a second date and find something fun to do for maybe 3–4 hours the next time - lunch followed by a walk in a park, or a different activity, again during the day. As you get closer, then adjust to whatever you feel comfortable with.

Have fun!

Women and men don’t have much to go on with a profile other than how well a person takes photographs.

Really think about it.

Even with the best of intentions, well thought out quips, stories and fun facts about ourselves we still don’t know much of anything about the people we swipe or match with.

No real connection is made until you get them on the phone and/or you meet in person.

So what do you have to base whether you’d like to meet someone or not? Just looks.

People are inherently more picky online than they are in person because the internet creates the illusion of unlimited options.

The more options you feel you have the more critical you will be in your choices.

That is why its always been my preference to stick to meeting women through social events in person.

When I meet someone in person I know their personality, their humor, their interests, and our chemistry with each other.

Within minutes I know if their is mutual attraction that extends beyond looks.

However online because everyone is trying to put their best foot forward AND are disillusioned to how many options they have people tend to have unrealistic expectations.

Simply because the internet creates a false reality.

Best,

Ludwig R.

On top of the other points already given:

1. Make sure you are using the right type of site for your dating needs/wants. Looking for a long-lasting relationship on a hook-up site or for dates on a non-dating site are sure-fire ways to fail. There are different types of dating sites out there for a reason, and a reason they are called Dating Sites.

2. Social skills matter. This includes using manners and keeping your expectations in check. If you wouldn't talk to a person in real life a certain way, don't do it on a dating site. Manners, courtesy, taking things in a progression are what I mean. You wouldn't walk up to a stranger and ask for sex right off the bat or bare all your flaws without getting a name first, so don't do that on a dating site either.

3. Don't treat it like a site you order products from. Just because you see someone you like, does not mean they are available to YOU. Don't think that just because you like a picture or send a message, that you are entitled to a conversation or reply.

4. Actually READ the profile if they have bothered to fill it out. Just because you like the picture doesn't mean you will like the same things. This can also help to give you conversation starters and make you stand out from other emails they get.

5. Wear a shirt in your profile picture. Some sites have policies against shirtless pictures. While you may be proud of six-pack abs, shirtless pictures send the message you are not looking for anything more than physical fun.

6. Be realistic. From the amount of time it takes to find someone to the distance away you are willing to go to the amount of rejection you will get. Chances are you won't find someone the first day, have good result with someone hundreds of miles away, or not get rejected at all.

7. Have a friend proof-read your profile. They can make suggestions, help you fine-tune it, and even help with grammar and spelling if needed.