What is it like to find out your girlfriend has HIV?

Question

Anonymous · Answer

That just happened to me less than 24 hours ago.

We've been together 4 months. We have regular sex with a condom. She's extremely strict about that. We've never had oral sex since she's even more strict with that.

Last night we were in bed together. I really wanted to go down on her and she told me no again. I was trying to understand her lack of desire for oral sex when it happened. I asked her if there was some other reason like she had HIV or something. She paused and said, "yes, I'm HIV positive" with a nervous laugh. She always laughs when she's nervous but, in this particular case, it wasn't cute, it was frustratingly ambiguous.

It took a few double takes before I realised she was telling the truth. The girl I was naked with in bed was HIV positive. HIV POSITIVE. My stomach imploded in on itself in a fiery ball. It's like that scene in Fight Club; "please return your seat backs to their full upright and locked position". Out of instinct I edged back and looked away. This has to be a sick joke.

I asked a barrage of questions, starting with how come you didn't tell me before? We'd been having sex and isn't that something you tell someone? Her response was that you're only legally obliged to inform if your having unprotected sex.

When did you get it? 12 years ago. Are you taking medication? Yes, I've been taking anti-retroviral treatment for some months and now I'm "undetectable". That was the first time I'd ever heard that term and I thought she was making it up. I opened the laptop by the side of the bed. Google. hiv u... autocomplete. Ok, so what's that? It means it's virtually impossible to pass on. So why didn't we have oral sex? I wanted to play it safe until I was ready tell you and until you got a full STD check.

I didn't realise but oral sex is far more dangerous for women than for men because of the relative exchange in bodily fluids. It makes sense.

There were more questions. I entered detective mode, piecing together a big jigsaw puzzle one piece at a time.

"I'm going to the clinic tomorrow morning", I told her. Of course, she said, I'll personally take you to my clinic.

Finally we went to sleep. She faced the other way. I faced the ceiling.

6 hours later we woke up and headed to the sex clinic. Was this was some horrible dream? If you're reading this then it wasn't. 90 minutes later and we arrive. She goes there every 3 months for blood tests so she knows her way around. She told me it's like a secret club and you can quietly recognise the people around town from the waiting room.

Reception. Rapid HIV test, please. Sit. Wait. My girlfriend sat reassuring me I couldn't catch it, but I was unsure whether someone could make that promise. I couldn't bring myself to entertain the idea that I could have it so at this point I was simply going through the motions.

Name called. Walk in. Close door. Explain situation. Answer questions. Open kit. Prick finger. Observe. Wait.

10 seconds later I had the result.

Negative.

I laughed, dipped my head, cried for like 1.5 seconds (some weird micro-cry), laughed more, apologised, and put my head in my hands and took some deep breathes. Whatsapp to girlfriend: "Negative".

I can be fairly certain of two things: 1) that I didn't have HIV before I met my girlfriend, 2) that I didn't have HIV 4 weeks ago since HIV has a 4-6 week window period where rapid tests often give false negatives.

Blood tests, health advisor session. Then we left together.

It's been 5 hours since I saw my girlfriend and it's had time to sink in. I've learned something really important about HIV which is the main reason I'm sharing my story.

I learned that the word HIV blinded me to see a human being in a matter of seconds.

My first reaction was to edge away. Questioned her for not telling me sooner. Demand answers that I couldn't bring myself to trust 100%. I felt terrified by the person in front of me. And I believe a lot of people would have had the same reaction.

But now imagine it's you that has HIV. If you tell people, they'll edge away like you're contagious. If you start a relationship, you'll have to tell your partner and it's not a great chat-up line, nor something you can trust with everybody. Most people would run for the hills. You'd have people constantly wonder what you "did wrong" to get it. Having HIV must feel completely alienating and terrifying and unfair.

The stigma of HIV lives on. The films that raised its awareness leading to the great treatments available today are 20 years out of date. HIV isn't the killer that it used to be and people live long, healthy lives and have kids, at least in the West where medication is available.

I can't tell my friends about this to protect my girlfriend's identity. That's why I'm telling you.

Anonymous · Answer

I have a basically similar, but sad story.
My partner of 3 years died on me last March 27th.
I only found out what killed her when the doctor told me it was neumonia inflicted by HIV. She never told me she was positive although I now recall her trying to. I remember she insisting to use condoms on the grounds she didn't want anymore kids (we had 2 each from past relationships) and at first we did, but a few times later, I stopped using them because I said to her I have a vasectomy, so no more kids for me anyway.
Being in need of affection at the time I met her, I guess has left me particularly vulnerable to her attentions and by having known her for only 3 years, I guess I was pretty naive and confident in her. I never thought she was ill and I never got the drift and never did learn to read the signs: she had an outbreak of neumonia back in July 2011, some 8 month or so before I met her, which she told me about, but again I never suspected what was the cause. She hid it from everybody, including her family. Because of shame. She died because of shame. And yes I am infected too. I have mixed feelings because I was on the verge of suicide after 3 failed relationships when she literally saved my life, only to die on me less than 3 years later. It's not fair she didn't tell me and even more she didn't want to treat herself.
I would have helped her, most surely I would because I loved her (and I still do!).
I have mixed feelings about this, but one things is sure: she died of shame, and today this kills more that the virus itself!
I am devastated by all this to say the least. I don't know what to think.
But I know what to do: to treat myself.
I think it's not fair what she did, by not telling me. But I'm not mad at her, poor soul. She silently suffered a lifetime in the hands of the men who came through her life, particularly her kids father and I guess she was just afraid to let this all out, and me quitting on her too.
It's not fair, but now I have to learn to live with this... I took two hard blows all at once: her passing away, and the revelation about what killed her.
May God have mercy. Fear not baby, I love you now and always.
Stranger.

Stan Hanks · Answer

It was back in the early 90s. I lived in an area which was decimated in the 80s as AIDS emerged, losing literally dozens of gay friends. I was a volunteer for a local AIDS group, answering the hot line, directing people to free testing, providing safer sex counseling.

In my personal life, I had a number of sex partners. Most were in the adult entertainment industry. Despite what I was teaching other people, I wasn't practicing safe sex myself consistently.

There was this one girl I was particularly fond of, Mindy. Her stage name was "Century" - "cause I get tipped a hundred for private dances". She was physically very atypical for me - very short, almost flat chested, natural blonde. She'd been in the military, and mustered out with no prospects, wound up in a wet t-shirt contest on a lark, was given an offer to start dancing and said why the hell not.

I met her at a gas station when her shirt came up as she bent over to fill a portable gas container and I let her know that while I appreciated the view, she might want to know it was happening. She laughed and said "Oh honey, I get paid to show 'em off". We talked, I gave her a lift back to her out-of-gas car, we went for pie and coffee, then back to her place.

We'd been seeing each other pretty regularly for two years. One afternoon, I ran into her coming out of a store, and she wanted a quickie in my car. It was the last time I saw her.

A few weeks go by, and I start wondering where she is. I went to the club she mainly worked at, and asked a couple of the other dancers I knew about her. One directed me to her roommate, and gave me the address.

I dropped by, and when the door answered realized that I knew the roommate from a few encounters some time ago. We talked, and I said I was looking for Mindy. Her face got really dark, and she started crying.

"Oh man, I don't know what to tell you. The AIDS finally caught up with her. She's in the ICU at Memorial Hospital, and they're not allowing visitors."

I dropped to my knees like a sack of rocks. I'd just had sex with her - unprotected sex - a few weeks ago. I'd been having unprotected sex with her about once a week for two years. And she'd never said a word.

And now to hear that she was literally dying as well...

It was a really, really bad day. I called work, took the night off.

I went in, got tested. Had to wait a couple of days for the ELISA test results. Negative. Based on my story, I was advised to also get Western Blot, which I had to wait even longer on. Negative.

I was on a "safe sex only" diet for a while, was advised to get tested at least every 3 months for a year to be sure I was "out of the woods."

A couple of weeks later, I went to Mindy's funeral. I wasn't happy about her choice to not tell me, but I was glad to know.

Anonymous · Answer

A few years ago, as an older student at university, I met someone who I clicked with. We became friends, but I was almost twice her age, and she was flakey. We each started relationships but remained friends. My relationship flamed out after a couple of years. She, I will call her 5Star, became a regular friend, platonic, but she slept over on occasion. As a younger person from a marginalized community, 5Star was poor and came over frequently to use my computer and internet. On many occasions she left her facebook and gmail accounts open. I always logged her out as a matter of privacy and ethics. My girlfriend ended up stealing money, forging my checks, and attempted to use my identity to get credit cards. I did not see this coming. I was not happy about being violated like this. My young friend came over, and once again left her gmail and facebook open. I snooped. No, I went through everything.
 
5Star is HIV, has been for over 5 years. She is an escort, has been for over 8 years. I know because 5star saved all of her correspondence related to both the HIV and being an escort, in the form of emails to herself and because she preferred to use emails to talk to clients. She worked in another city on the coast, a thousand miles away. I asked her about this, and she confirmed it, and began to change her behavior while at my place, like using her own towel, asking that all my personal stuff from my bathroom be removed while she is using it. I was real impressed with her.
I contacted my lawyers, and they told me that if I knew she was having unprotected sex, on a regular basis, I could be legally culpable. I had someone with legal experience contact the police. They never responded. I had a lawyer contact the police. Nothing. I contacted the public health authorities.  I was advised that if I did not have absolute 100% proof, that I should be careful as I could be sued if I went public, like online and gave her name and age, along with a picture. I thought about doing this, as she is an escort on occasion and does not tell anyone. To make matters worse, she has infected at least two people with HIV, and neither are happy. One was sentenced to prison for attempting to injure her. I know all of this because it was all in her accounts she left open that I read.
My lesson from all of this: Nietzsche was right about everything.

Anonymous · Answer

When I found out I was positive, the first thing that went through my mind was my life was over, and that I should just give up hope and go and die somewhere quietly. I was in a deep despair over the fact that I was going to die, and I was certain that was the end of my life. Then a friend of mine, one of my best friends in the world made it a point to make sure I didn't give up, and to show me that life goes on, and that it is not the end of the world.

Anonymous · Answer

(English is not my first language, so I hope I don't annoy you too much with my grammar mistakes).

I was diagnosed on a Friday during lunch, August 15th, 2008. I was then 25 years old. Because the universe has it's funny ways to to tell you that it's not giving a flying fuck about your life, later in that same day I got my first job promotion -- a really good one that I was looking forward for quite sometime.

I went through a six months period of being completely fine with the virus. It was some kind of weird denial, because I knew I had it, I just thought I was dealing well with the new situation. Then my boyfriend broke up with me and I went down. One day I was sitting at my desk at work and I had a panic attack. I had heard of panic attacks before, but always thought that people who had it were just being soft. You know, "pussies". Until the day it hit me. It's an incredibly scary situation when you lose control of your mind and you are so scared that your body actually starts acting like you are dying.
 
After that event, I started doing therapy and it became clear that I needed to tell my family. So I did, and it was one of the most amazing things that ever happen in my life. There is a strong correlation between health and dialogue.

In my case, HIV gave me the chance to fix my relationship with my dad. I had a bad relationship with him for many years because of being gay and he never fully accepted me.

One sunny saturday afternoon I sat down with him in the backyard of his house. I went straight to the point: "Dad, I have a really bad news to share. Whatever you think about this, just remember that I'm here asking for your help and support. I'm HIV+". I don't think I was ever that honest with my dad before, and maybe that was the most important thing to laid the ground for what was going to happen next. He didn't say anything, just stood up with tears in his eyes and gave me a hug that I will never forget. I'm not sure how he got around it, he used to have some homophobic tendencies at the very least, but my dad became my biggest supporter. He is, as of this day, my best friend. I realized I had a father that I did not know about it. Sometimes I wonder if he had died when I was younger, or before this event, how I would carry a very different image of him for the rest of my life.

Everything started to get better that day.

I've been undetectable since my diagnosis, even without drugs -- a very unique situation, but it happens to 3%-5% of HIV+. Somehow our body manages to control the virus with some level of efficiency. That's also one of the reasons my ex-boyfriend never got the virus. We had unprotected sex for more than 3 years  (I must have gotten before we started dating because I never cheated on him and he is negative). It was a tremendous amount of luck, and I'm not sure how my life would have gone if he was also positive. Would I have blamed him?

He was very supportive for the first month after my diagnosis, but then he gave up. He stopped kissing me. Sex became a pretty rare thing and when it happened, it was  awkward. I thought it was more important to be with him than to have sex with him, so I kept going with some hard wishful thinking that it was just a matter of time until he could wrap his head around being with someone who is HIV+ and that things would get better. But six months after my diagnosis he said he needed time alone. We broke up. It was a hard period and I would go home and find myself just crying alone in my bed. That's when things got really dark and I had my panic attack. About eight months later and when I was on my feet again and having incredible support from family and close friends, he showed up. He wanted to try again. We dated for another three years, but it was never the same. The virus was in the middle of our most intimate times. Kissing was also rare. And we finally broke up. This time, I think, for good.

I don't doubt his feelings for me. I honestly think he loved me. But one can love a person and not fully accept him.

I say all this because my relationship with my ex-boyfriend and my father is at the center of how I dealt with HIV. HIV changed my life a lot. Not so much physically, I think. Or at least not yet. Today, I know my odds of dying because of the virus are pretty low. I'm not afraid of that. But like so many others have said it before me, the stigma is a very strong component of learning how to live well with the virus. And that's why having people who support you is so important. And you learn to appreciate a lot of things that would go unnoticed otherwise.

I try to remember how hard, awful and scary life with HIV was pre-HAART. How this virus killed more than 40 million people, still kills a lot of people in Africa and other poor countries, and how lucky I am to have access to medicine and live a normal life (Even with undetectable viral load, I decided to start the medication a few months ago; the cost/benefit analysis of taking seems to be worth it). That's helpful because it puts things on perspective. Yes, not everyone is ready or is willing to have a relationship with me for the only reason that I carry a virus that even the most sophisticated test cannot detect, but my life expectancy is not of only another two years, like it was for so many people back in the 80's.

If I could not have the virus, I would sure prefer so. But HIV not only gave me my dad back but also taught me a few lessons. I think I'm a stronger and kinder person. I used to rush to judge people, and now I keep exercising my mind to not see the world in good vs evil fashion. A lot in life is complex, unpredictable and contradictory, and I learned that the hard way. Studies show that people who go through life-changing events when they are young -- between 15-25 -- have a bigger chance of actually benefiting from it. When people more than 30 are asked to remember their most important events in life, there is an disproportional tendency of remembering things that happened between 15-25. It's when we flourish -- first love, first time living alone, career choice, intellectual growth etc. A lot of choices that will have a huge impact in our lives are made at that age. It's also the time that we shape our identity. Going through a really adverse situation during that age, and getting over it, can have a positive impact later in life. It can make you stronger, better, and maybe even happier than you would be if you had not dealt with the traumatic experience.

I like to think I am one of those people. In the end, it's all about the story you tell yourself.

ps: I should add that Andrew Sullivan and Magic Johnson are huge inspirational figures to me.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, I would. I have, actually. I know my partner is taking his medication every day, and has undetectable viral load. I went with him to his doctor and know that he cannot infect me like this, as long as we stick to the regime of monogamy, his medication, and him being undetectable. I love him, he loves me. And I would not want to miss him for just one day! We have a normal relationship, meaning we also have sex. We have been together now for 5 years and because we stick to the rules set by our doctor, I am still HIV negative. And as long as we stick to those rules, I will stay that way and grow old with him happy and healthy :) Unless I break my hip when I am 60.

Anonymous · Answer

I am a 22 year old college boy & HIV positive. I knew about my status 2 years ago.

I got it as I had to go through Hell - Child Abuse.

My initial reaction was fear, pain & like I had lost everything. I told my parents about everything the moment I knew about it. They have been a rock support and I am glad. It works both ways - I have been a support to them by being the way I have been after reality hit us.

Its almost like losing a lot. Its a lot of mental stress. Despite trying to be normal, I could not help myself especially in the initial 2–3 weeks. Its tough for the person and his family members, especially parents - when their boy who is just out of teens gets affected. But then one has to move on.

I focused on my education. I was doing Graduation from Delhi University then & now I am doing MBA from one of the top B.schools of the country.

I now plan to focus on my career and hope that the scientists discover a cure for it. I read about the progress made on that count sometimes.

At college/Hostel I am just normal - Studying hard, Learning team skills, Socializing with people, talk about girls and crushes etc.

Mary Jo Garcia-Brown · Answer

I think the question here is not if you are cruel but if you are uneducated. If the relationship was solid otherwise, then you may have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Contracting HIV is no longer a death sentence. With the right (and very accessible) drug therapies, your partner could end up with an undetectable viral load in short order. Once he is undetectable, the virus is also not transmissible to his partners. You could also have taken Truvada as pre-exposure prophylactic (PrEP), used condoms for sex, and have been tested for HIV regularly as additional protective measures. In th

I think the question here is not if you are cruel but if you are uneducated. If the relationship was solid otherwise, then you may have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Contracting HIV is no longer a death sentence. With the right (and very accessible) drug therapies, your partner could end up with an undetectable viral load in short order. Once he is undetectable, the virus is also not transmissible to his partners. You could also have taken Truvada as pre-exposure prophylactic (PrEP), used condoms for sex, and have been tested for HIV regularly as additional protective measures. In the unlikely event you were to contract the virus, you could still go on to lead a long, healthy life — just as he still can. That you broke up with him merely shows either that you didn’t think the relationship was worth the investment of energy or money or that you did not bother to do your homework about HIV once you found out about his diagnosis. I’m sure no matter how you went about breaking up with him, it hurts him to know that about you. But, if you didn’t want to do that work or take that risk, he needed to know that and be set free so he can find a partner who is educated about the risk and treatments and isn’t fearful of the stigma attached to HIV. That clearly isn’t you.

Ruth Barr · Answer

Dump him. I don't normally jump right to this but you know two things:

-he lied, either when he told you he's HIV positive or when he said he lied about being positive. No matter what he's lied to you about something very serious.

-he doesn't care about your health or well being. If he's HIV positive and lied about being positive (after telling you the truth) so you can't trust him. If he's negative and lied about being positive you can't trust him. Maybe this was a bizarre test. All it proves is you can't trust anything he says.

To protect yourself, and your health, you need to dump him. Find someone who won't make you question if you and your health is safe with him. Don't get me wrong. Plenty of people stay with HIV positive partners. But those partners are honest about their health status so you can make an informed decision after learning your options and risks. They don't jerk you around by saying one thing and taking it back by saying they lied. Find someone trustworthy.

Vidushi Gupta · Answer

First of all I would like to pat your back in appreciation. Finding out that your partner is HIV+ and yet wanting to love her is something that's kind of rare in today's society where guys and girls leave each other for the smallest of reasons.

Now coming to the main part, loving someone who deals with severe health issues is a challenging task. Life ain't a fairy tale and things get tougher. There would be many things that will bother you two as a couple.

* You both won't be able to have sexual relationship like normal couples, and even if you have there would be many conditions. And this will bother you both in the long run.
 * Her health might deteriorate over the years causing you mental, emotional, physical, psychological, financial issues.
 * Least to negligible chances of having biological children.
 * Societal pressures and taunts.
Why am I listing all the negatives?

Because life and love work on reality and practical things. Simply telling you “oh don't worry, just because you love her there won't be any issues and you'll both live and sing and dance happily ever after” has zero sense.

This is life and its filled with issues. First you need to ask and assure yourself that you indeed would walk with her for the rest of your life no matter what even when there are a thousand issues because of her in your life. In this relationship you would have to give more than you'll receive.

Are you ready for that? If you're really ready ONLY then commit to her. Don't take major decisions in emotions. Stand by the decision you make finally.

My take?

Be with her for life. Take care of her. Marry her. Make her your wife. Adopt kids/pets if you want. Consult good doctors. Ensure that she develop hobbies and a life of her own. Enjoy physical intimacy if not complete sex. Protect her from societal judgements. Make her as strong as you can.

You want to help your girlfriend? Be with her forever and show that in your words and actions genuinely.

But for that you would have to be sure in yourself first.

Melee Lee · Answer

If he has HIV and you don’t have it…you are protecting yourself. I don’t think you were being cruel. I wouldn’t tolerate a partner with HIV either. Especially since you don’t have it. I hope he didn’t cheat on you. I still think that you did the right thing. I would of done the same thing. If you would of stayed with him you would of felt very resentful. Sex would of been nothing but a source of anxiety for you. Where is the pleasure in that? Forget it. You did what you needed to do. Anyone who tells you different is lying. No one would subject themselves to that.

Senthil Kumar Panneerselvam · Answer

The decision is up to you.

The most important thing for for marrying someone either they are Hiv infected person or Blindness or Handicap or Normal Human it is Love and Faithful between the hearts.

It is good that you come to know that your girlfriend has HIV. So that you can take one of the most important decision in your life.

Before conversating about marrying her let me explain about the impact of HIV in todays worldand in her life:

1. HIV is no more a death sentence. It is more of Chronic disease like Diabetes , Blood pressure etc where for the life time the person have to take medicines.
2. With Today advanced medicines for HIV taking daily without missing the dosage or tablets one can live like a normal human being and live near to normal life span.
3. HIV medicines are called as ARV drugs. These drugs are so powerful where it makes the HIV virus in the blood to the level of Undetectable. It means HIV virus are at low level but cannot be detected by the testing. Remember still have to take medicine. If they stop the medicine HIV virus will shoot to sky high.
4. It is confirmed by the CDC and WHO one who is treated by ARV drugs For HIV regularly without missing the doses can get to Undetectable within six months and one who is Undetectable for more than Six months are not about to Transmit HIV by Sex while taking the medicines on regular schedule.
5. As per CDC and WHO UNDETECTABLE is equal to UNTRANSMITABLE. Should not stop the medicines have to take for life long.
6. Daily excercise , yoga , meditation , playing , enjoying life Etc
7. Eating raw vegetable and fruits atleast twice a day. Always eat seasonal fruits. Do not but other nation fruits. Avoid GMO foods and Grapes.
8. Take 15ml of Virgin Coconut Oil 1hr after food. (This oil kills Virus Virions)
9. Take 2.5ml of Black seed oil (It makes cure for cancer and makes immune so strong)
10. Drink plenty of water
11. Just remember Stephen Hawking a great scientist at age 25 he got nervous problem with paralyzed body and doctors told he will die in 2 years. But he didnt bother he concentrated on his work and taking care on his health. He got married had 2 kids and lived another 50 years and died at the age 76.
12. Even HIV person can get married and have kids and nearly 90% of kids born without HIV.
Coming to the point, Brother before thinking to Marry her or not First make her try to come out from the Incident. Today HIV is not a problem like 1980s where there is NO medicine. The situation changed a lot. There are lot of NGO to support. Even many HIV person become doctors , engineer's etc and having family and still healthy.

Make her to feel that having Hiv and not having HIV is the same. She can become an HIV activist Cancer activist and can educate others to avoid this problem.

Firstly take her to doctor check her health. Thats most important.

Today how soon after Hiv infection you start the treatment is very important because sooner you start it is better for the health and can live long life. Also one can prevent damage to immune in large. Testing is very important this will ensure in what stage she is and how healthy she is.

Also she needs Psychological treatment and support from you and the close people.

So make her Psychologically strong and make her health in good state. And then you can decide to marry her or Not.

All the best Good Luck

God bless you

Kristen Devlin · Answer

Well, when I was not positive and my husband was it varied from day-to-day to be perfectly honest. The week that we found out was possibly the best week of our entire relationship, emotionally speaking, we had never been closer. At first, it wasn't even a question in my mind, I refused to change anything that could have any type of effect in his mind in regards to his perception of my feelings for him. I was in love with him and had said vows to him and not even his being positive could change that. For me it was something that we were going to face together. He had different ideas. He began t

Well, when I was not positive and my husband was it varied from day-to-day to be perfectly honest. The week that we found out was possibly the best week of our entire relationship, emotionally speaking, we had never been closer. At first, it wasn't even a question in my mind, I refused to change anything that could have any type of effect in his mind in regards to his perception of my feelings for him. I was in love with him and had said vows to him and not even his being positive could change that. For me it was something that we were going to face together. He had different ideas. He began to treat me horribly, I think because he was trying to push me away from him before he gave it to me or before I chose to leave because of his having the virus or maybe a little of both. Im not sure to this day. He has no idea, but I used to pray every day for the 2 years after we found out for GOD to take it from him and give it to me because I couldn't believe that such a beautiful soul should be saddled with the emotional burden that having the virus was to him. Ironically, GOD answered. The February after I tested positive, I found him almost dead at his home. Wed been seperated a month and it was his birthday. I had bought his present well in advance and as it was personalized returning it wasnt an option so I stopped by to drop it off. He'd been sick with a 105 degree fever for the prior 4 days and no one had known. When he arrived at the hospital they told me he had .03 blood platelets left and was being infused with blood so I vouldnt see him right away. He hasn't had a detectable viral load since that stay in the hospital. Today, he looks healthier than I've ever seen him, but he is just a wee bit over the bat-shit crazy line. Fevers are funny like that.

Billy Alexander · Answer

Here is the deal, relationships where one partner is HIV + and the other isn't are common. Is called a being in a discordant relationship. If your partner has HIV and they are on medication for it, then it is highly unlikely that they can pass the infection on to somebody else. If you are really worried you can take Truvada and it will prevent you from being infected.

The point is HIV IS NOT AN UNSURMOUNTABLE BARRIOR TO LOVE.

Luke Thomas · Answer

In October 2011, I graduated university and moved to Spain to teach English and to improve my fluency in Spanish. Come mid-December, I'd been told that I was HIV+. I'd come here from a small town in Louisiana. I was 24 and living in a small, grey, rainy city in northern Spain. Things got dark quickly.

Being a bit naive, my previous opinion of HIV was that it was only a problem for gays, addicts and Africans. At the risk of generalizing, I'd say that the majority of Americans share this opinion. Imagine my surprise when a foreign doctor looked up at me with the results of a routine check-up (but actually my first blood test in years) and said in Spanish, "your cholesterol is fine, blood pressure good, but it appears that you're HIV+."

"Perdon, puedes repetir, por favor?" I asked him, thinking that I had misunderstood.

He said it again and my heart lurched into overdrive. He told me not to worry, that things are different nowadays and that the medicine would secure me a more or less normal life. He said not to freak out and tell my family and friends yet; that the best thing to do was keep it to myself until I saw a specialist. I floated out of the office and biked to work to teach 3 hours of class. Actually teaching those classes was one of the hardest experiences of my life. I excused myself during the first one to go to the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror, and silently scream. In my reflection, I saw those 3 capital letters etched across my forehead.

I had to wait a week to get an appointment with the specialist. I spent that time locked in my room searching the internet for comfort and enlightenment but found only paranoia and despair and even begin subscribing to denialist theories. This was all barely 3 months after uprooting myself to move halfway across the world. It got dark around 6 then, it rained a lot, and I didn't have anyone to confide in. I locked myself in my cold, damp room and held on tight. Would I ever tell my family? How did I get it? How was I going to understand the specialist when my Spanish was intermediate at best? My mind raced in circles, tied itself in knots and never turned off. Was it my ex-girlfriend of 2 years? Was it the Turkish girl that I'd slept with only once, with a condom, in August?

I finally told a co-worker of mine. She was a nice woman that let me stay with her my first couple of weeks in the city. She was sympathetic and understanding. I didn't like burdening her with my problem, but I desperately needed the help. She hugged me after and I felt good momentarily. We went to the specialist a few days later. I didn't understand much of what was said, but what I came out understanding was that I had to have confirmatory blood work done before my fate could be sealed. My friend was optimistic and assured me that the analysis would prove that it was all a big mistake. Problem is this was right before Christmas break and I had already planned a trip to southern Spain. No matter though, because they had to ship the blood sample to Barcelona and the results wouldn't arrive until after the holidays.

Bathed in sun and in good company, I used my time down south to make peace with the possibility that I would be positive. I decided that I would move to Europe, thanks to my dual citizenship, and never tell my family the truth. I would stay here where things are better accepted in Sweden and where the healthcare is cheaper and in many respects better. I found peace in thinking that far worse things could have happened to me and do happen to other people everyday. I thought about dedicating my life to helping those people. I dreaded having to take medicine everyday. I saw the Alhambra and gazed awestruck at the detail and beauty of it all and told myself that I could still sculpt my life in a similar way.

January 12th I went to the receptionist's window at the hospital and picked up the results. No one came out to talk to me or read them with me, so i stepped out into the sun and walked a bit first, ready for the worst. Inside the envelope was just one page and the results column had only 3 words printed, "No se detectan." I jumped for joy and talked to myself in English and paced in circles. I came unstuck in time and began to see clearly again. It had all been a big mistake. I was too ecstatic for a month to think about getting a second confirmation. Three months later, though, i got the results of the second Western Blot and it was Negative. I felt re-born, but didn't want to forget what i had lived through. Was there a lesson to be learned? could i take something useful away form it all?

I definitely have a greater appreciation now for the small joys, for living and for relationships. It took me some time to feel comfortable with girls again, as i had tried to shut my mind off to them when i was convinced that i was positive. It also took some time to shake the hypochondria that consumed me at that time. I still get flashbacks of it. I still live here in Spain and think about visiting that doctor and asking him why he most likely altered my perspective on life by telling me the results of and ELSA before confirming with a Western Blot. In some ways, though, i thank him for giving me such insight and compassion for the millions that weren't as lucky as I was, and that have taken many more steps into the darkness than i had to take, but that i have hopefully found the sun shining on the other side. Because in the end, HIV is only one of many horrible things that can happen to a person in their lifetime, and i feel much better prepared to deal with what comes my way next. I applaud you Gary, and everyone else, and hope that you have found the right relationships to give you comfort and balance, because with my imperfect insight into your world i feel confident that that is the most important thing to recover.

Mike Burns · Answer

I have been living with HIV since 1988. I was infected at the age of 16 years old. Given I was not a city person and because of my age I had very little understanding regarding HIV. Typical of a 16 year old I was still attempting to work out my identity from sexuality perspective.

In 1987 the Australian Federal government decided that a public education TV advertisements would be a good idea. The ad’s were graphic, horrifying and stigmatising. To this day the stigma still exists.

https://youtu.be/OJ9f378T49E
It’s been argued that Australia (where I’m from) led the way in the early response to HIV. Our public system quickly started providing world leading and evidence based practices.

* Clean needle and syringe programs for IV drug users to decrease the incidents of sharing of needles
 * Health promotion programs targeting high risk groups to undertake safe practices
 * free access to HIV specialists at no charge for citizens of Australia
 * allied health care professionals to assist those affected
 * government subsidised Antiretroviral (HIV medications)
I've managed to have a great career as a Registered Nurse until I got sick in 2003. When I got sick I was devastated because I had to stop working. My career was also my passion and it still pains me to this day that I am no longer able to practice in my profession. HIV caused an acquired brain injury.

On commencing antiretroviral medications in 2003 by cognitive functioning improved dramatically and that has allowed me to go onto further study and have a good life. I do live in chronic pain with peripheral neuropathy as well as chronic fatigue due to HIV.

The key achievements for me is that I have 2 beautiful HIV negative daughters.

I'm now divorced and find it challenging to enter any new relationships. Women my age far too often balk at mentioning of HIV.

Positive people love and deserve to be loved. I'm smart and compassionate. Everything I do is done in the context of what is best for my children. My daughters know about my HIV and do understand that often I don't have as much energy as they would like me to.

However they love me unconditionally and I love them as well and that's all a person with HIV wants.

Anonymous · Answer

Yeap , I would and I have ,except she was only HIV positive. We had a connection, we were best buddies. When we first met , protective sex was a given , because we did not want kids, and she already knew her status. I knew my status but did not know hers.

As the relationship developed, I raised the question of testing and she disclosed. I was disappointed, but I wanted the relationship to go on. It fizzled out after I had proposed we move in together, we still talk now and again.

Had she not pulled off the day I raised testing , I would still be going out with her , I think . She is the most amazing and beautiful human being, I liked myself when I was around her, I could feel her comfort when she was with me, she said as much.

My sister was infected and eventually passed on , she never stopped being my sister. I have buried Friends with AIDS, and when I attend a funeral, I go to bury a friend.

Nowadays people live longer with the advancement of treatment regimens

Mehul R Anghan · Answer

* Please come.
 * Sit beside me.
 * Listen me carefully.
 * Marry with your girlfriend.
 * Take care of her till her last breath.
 * Don’t forget to send me your marriage invitation card.
 * Don’t forget to keep “Khaman-Dhokla” in your marriage reception.

%3E Waiting for your invitation card :)

Venom!

Anonymous · Answer

It doesn’t feel like much of anything.

I take a pill every day, with no side effects. I have very good health insurance and have no copay for my meds. I see my ID specialist, who is also my PCP, twice a year for check ups, plus whenever I need something else taken care of. I have some additional health needs and risks but these are minor, and because I am extremely active and eat a superb diet I am in much better health than an average person without HIV.

Socially, it makes little to no difference. The gay community, particularly in New York, is not phased by HIV. It is considered unusual to ask a sexual partner’s HIV status (mine is disclosed in my Grindr profile, but no one has asked me in years). Because PrEP and HIV treatment are widely and freely available to basically anyone in New York, HIV status is irrelevant.

Gay men have also done a much better job of staying up to date with the science about HIV. They know that it’s not a big deal, and that those on treatment are not infectious, and even if they were, virtually anyone I would ever want to have sex with is on PrEP or already HIV positive.

I think for straight people with HIV things are much worse still, socially, and people with HIV are widely and unfairly stigmatized, though this is changing. In addition, access to healthcare is much worse if you’re poor, don’t live in a major city, or are a person of color (or worst of all, all three).

The only times I am forced to think about HIV is when I get answer requests from people out of their minds with fear that they’ve magically contracted HIV via some entirely impossible route. I block and mute those people, who need therapy more than they need information about HIV.