This is a poignant question for me since the finality of our separation (and my rejection) is still fresh - as in, 2 weeks old fresh (its May 29th, 2013, as I write this).
The Story.
We met in college, in a class, by chance. We both went to the top university in the country - I had transferred in after 2 years at another school, she was a French citizen who had chosen to study in North America. One day in class she, a then total stranger, asked me something about the midterm on her way out after the lecture. We casually chatted and I sat there, waiting for my next class to begin (which was in the same room). The teacher never came, the class never began (lecturer was sick, I suppose), so we went to lunch.
We hit it off. Became friends. She had a long-distance boyfriend but they were on the rocks. I bided my time, didn't pressure it. Eventually, one time, we hooked up in her dorm room, middle of the day. Then she got back with her ex, and again I backed off...
Fast forward one year later. We again share a class together, by chance. Again we hit it off, flirt, chat, become friends, she becomes single, we become something more. Start dating. It goes well. Lots of chemistry, great sex, she is French, exotic, foreign, I am charismatic, cool, confident. We become a star couple.
I graduate a year early. She comes visits my hometown on the westcoast for summer. We maintain the relationship long distance - we are in love, totally and absolutely. I visit her several times during the year. I quit my job, which was well-paying with room for advancement, because it gets in the way of our relationship. I try to find work back in our university town but there is none, and I return home, defeated. She comes for Christmas, forgoes visiting her family back in Europe. I visit again. She makes plans to move to my city after finishing that April.
Then it really starts. She has a breakdown in finals. Needs to return home to Europe. I am utterly heartbroken - I have severed relations with my family, taken on a shitty and underpaid job, am sleeping on my friends couch to save up money for when she arrives so we can rent our own place together. That all falls apart.
I follow her to Europe. To European Country. I turn down a 60k job offer back home. Move in with her parents. Enroll in a 2nd degree at considerably inferior school to where I came from. I am totally and utterly socially isolated, alone, completely broke, European Country is F'ing expensive, I am struggling, become depressed, suicidal. Still, I cling to the love I felt.
She tells me she is having second thoughts about our relationship. That, I am so depressed, and down, and dark, she doesn't want me around. Great. Nice. Throw away everything to be in a dark, foreign, expensive country, and tell me to leave when it gets rough. We work things out and I decide to stay, keep trying at it.
After Christmas I can't take it anymore. I am suicidal, utterly depressed, socially isolated, meanwhile she is on a solid career track, has tons of friends, goes out all the time - generally loving life in her natural element, and there I was, rotting away in misery. I end up leaving voluntarily.
A few weeks later it all snaps into focus - I was making MYSELF unhappy, it was all my fault, I just need to try again! I had dropped out of the school so I call them back, plead with them, argue, desperately, email several officials, borrow 20k from various sources, pay deposits to get back into the system.
I email her, heart filled with love, and hope, for a second chance, outlining my master plan, my realization of my own shortcomings, my desire to make our lives together once again.
Her response? I don't want our relationship to continue.
As I mentioned that was 2 weeks ago.
So, 2 years, tens of thousands in flights, moving expenses, tuition, 60 - 90K in lost earnings, and now a burning insecurity as to why I was rejected.
And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. Yep, Love is pretty Fucked Up.
UPDATE: 7 months later and honestly I couldn't be happier with how things turned out. Edit: some people have asked why I am so happy now.
It was a slow process over the summer, but the main theme was : falling back in love with myself, my own life, and what I'm doing as an individual (in contrast to doing things as a couple). The entire relationship was characterized by dependence - dependence of my happiness on being with her. Since it was long distance for a long time, I always felt either in the wrong city, or when I was with her, there was a clock ticking on when I had to leave and therefore when I would be unhappy again. That sucked, living with that sword hanging over your head.
Then, in European Country, I was doubly more dependent on her for everything - meeting people, navigating the country, making friends, feeling adjusted. Looking back, I realize that for most of the relationship I was deeply deeply unhappy and depressed, largely because this extensive dependency prevented me from going out and doing what I really wanted, or felt like, or thought would be the best for myself.
So, the crazy lesson in this is three fold:
- Dependency breeds depression through feelings of being trapped with no options
- Life is awesome when you do whats best for you, and terrible when you don't
- You can be madly in love but still deeply unhappy and unsatisfied (and the love can prevent you from acknowledging it).
2nd UPDATE: 8 months later.
This is going to sound nuts, because I'm 25 and have essentially only had one relationship, but I've met another and am madly in love once again. And this time, its on equal footing, where neither of us are making big sacrifices for the sake of the relationship. And, happily enough, she is far more beautiful, intelligent, and a better fit for me than the previous one.
The real life lesson in this is that love comes again. And I will know that fully and truly from now on. Even if this relationship doesn't work out, its not the end of the world, there will be good times and bad ahead. And, when you're in the deepest pits of despair, you never know just how good things can get right around the corner. Anyone telling me 8 months ago about just how happy I'd be right now, Id say "yeah fucking right".
But here I stand, a vastly improved, re-forged, rejuvenated individual, following my passions without holding myself back, doing what I love, falling in love, generally loving life.
I couldn't thank my ex enough for saying No, breaking my heart, and giving me the chance to rebuild myself from the ground up into a Self 2.0. If only to be the person I've become in the aftermath, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.